Have you found that as a loved ones anniversary..

[chloe40]

Draws closer, you feel more and more uneasy, but when the day arrives, it wasn't a bad as you'd expected and you managed to get through the day reasonably well? What made it bearable?

Chloe

[jaykay777]

Unfortunately, the reason I don't feel more uneasy as the anniversary date draws closer is that during the year, out of nowhere, my mind starts replaying the 11:00 pm phone call I received from the nursing home, telling me that my husband had died at 10:30 p.m. It is now March, and those thoughts crossed my mind last night, even though the anniversary of his death isn't until October of this year.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to jaykay777]

Hello jaykay777

Now that I can understand, it must be very distressing for you, how long has this been happening Jaykay, if you don't mind my asking?

Chloe

[jaykay777 in reply to chloe40]

Chloe - It'a been happening since my husband Robert died at the end of October 2014. Unfortunately, I have a photographic memory of scenes I've viewed and those I imagine from a composite of actually viewed scenes. I see myself leaving the bedroom and entering our home office, where the phone is ringing. When I answer, a man says he is a nurse at the nursing home where my husband lives. I assume he is going to tell me that my husband has fallen again, as he did at home and, recently, in the nursing home bathroom with its ceramic tile floor. I now see myself in my pajamas, sitting at my desk, holding the phone. When the nurse tells me that my husband, "went to sleep and never woke up," I visualize my husband as he has looked many times before, mouth open, eyes fixed above.

Sometimes I visualize my father's death, as described by the New York City policeman who found his body on a New York City street where my father had a massive stroke on his way to visit my mother in the hospital. My vision is a combination of the policeman's description and my view of my father's body behind a glass wall at the police station.

I also see and hear pleasant memories, like the birth of my older son 62 years ago, where the obstetrician holds the infant upside down by his heels and smacks him on the buttocks to make him breathe. I have never heard such an indignant scream in my life.

Judy

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to jaykay777]

My goodness, this must be very distressing for you jaykay777 although it does have it's upsides as you've described.

I've never heard of quite such graphic detailing as you describe but I imagine it must be upsetting, however long ago it occurred, replaying these painful scenes must take it's toll.

Chloe

[mysmugcat]

So wierd I just saw this as I was just going to post I am so nervous about 3rd May this year first anniversary of my partners death. I will have to travel to not be alone or work. I understand what jaykay is saying, I have a similiar memory. It can be quite torturous at times.

[chloe40 Administrator]

That is very strange mysmugcat I posted this because I know of many who have anniversaries of loved ones coming soon. Jaykay's experience and those that have been in a similar situation to yourself must dread the anniversaries, as the thoughts and fears you experienced prior to your loss is so very raw and somehow never seems to heal, it's imprinted in your mind. We're here for you mrsmugscat x

Chloe

[kenster1 Volunteer]

when the month of march approaches I get really down for about two weeks I'm constantly thinking about my son and his accident.this year I was really uneasy in work but took the day off on his anniversary.the importance of visiting his grave makes it bearable I would feel guilty if I never went down.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kenster1]

Thanks for your reply Kenny kenster1 It's such a difficult time and for many, the replaying of that dreadful time can be too much! The pain of Bereavement and grieving is underestimated in my view.

Hoping you are coping Kenny and please, look after you!

Chloe

[kenster1 Volunteer]

had a bit of a wobble yesterday could feel myself fighting off the tears yesterday going to meet a friend.had a couple of beers but my emotions took over kept crying.my workmate thinks I should take time off work.

[RoboMark]

It never gets easier for me. What helps me is to set the day aside just for remembrance, not to just try and have a 'normal' day (although I doubt any of my days would be classed as normal now). I work from home so I can do this, if the weather is nice I go up to the forest where mom's ashes are scattered (we only went walking in nice weather, so I wouldn't do it if it was raining). I put the flag out, yes we did have a flag that was attached to a sculpture she made outside, and I try to have as good a day as possible but without speaking to anyone. Unfortunately this year I had a meeting on the day and that was hard especially when it came round to 11.30 in the morning, because that was the time she passed.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to RoboMark]

Hi RoboMark

I like your way of setting aside a day for remembrance, that really appeals to me. I know that's not always possible for everyone but when it is that's what I intend to do in future, thank you.

Love the flag! and the fact that you try to have a good day, that's very positive and very helpful, thanks RoboMark and take care.

Chloe