Mom

[iriss]

The last time I spoke to my mom was September 13th. That was the last time I saw my mom fully awake and aware. She was discharged from the hospital a day later and sent to physical therapy. She was there for 2 days before her body shut down. Then she was sent back to the ER.

She was on life support the whole time and it hurt so much to look at. My mom was always strong and seeing her on life support broke me. The doctor told us the news about her fate on the 17th. That was the second worse day of my life. The worst day of my entire life was on September 19th. She died at 1:54 pm. We were playing music for her, she died during either Go Rest High on That Mountain by Vince Gill or during Hallelujah by Brooklyn Duo.

I miss her so much. Every single day I think about her. At night before I sleep I listen to songs that make me think about her and I cry. My mom was my everything. I feel empty without her.

I wish I had someone to go to about this stuff. Someone to cry on and to be hugged by. But I don’t have anyone like that. My friends aren’t the best people and I don’t trust any of them 100%. It sucks.

I miss her. I feel like it will never stop hurting. Remembering what she looked like before she died. Remembering watching her die.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello iriss

{{{hugs}}} The memories of our the last few days and weeks before we lost our loved ones are always very vivid in our imagination and it seems the most painful for us to cope with. Sometime we even make those memories more upsetting by playing music that relates to that person and that makes us upset, I've done that myself and in the end it makes us feel worse.

I do feel you would benefit from talking one to one and if you have a school/Uni counsellor, please make an appointment to se them, they'll offer you the support you need in these early stages. Please let me know if you can do this.

Of course, as ever, we're always here for you {{{hugs)))

Chloe

[iriss in reply to chloe40]

I do have a therapist but I can only see her once or twice a month due to scheduling conflicts. I could go to a school counselor but I don’t have time during my day to go. I don’t want to miss out on class either because then I’ll be stressed from being behind in that class.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to iriss]

Hello again iriss

I understand that you don't want to miss any school work to see your counsellor but for you to benefit from extra support, whether it is your school counsellor or a therapist, you will need to make that time. You could ask your Doctor to refer you for bereavement counselling or you could look online for bereavement support groups for Teens ( I take it you are a teen? please let me know) and that would probably be after school, so definitely worth the effort. What do you think about that?

Chloe

[iriss in reply to chloe40]

I want to get bereavement counseling, and I plan on talking to my actual therapist about that. But even then, I don’t always have someone to drive me and even if I do my dad always gets angry at me for having plans or needing to go somewhere.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to iriss]

iriss Can I suggest you tell your therapist that and maybe, just maybe they will be able to come up with a plan, I do hope so. {{{hugs}}}

Chloe

[Hidden]

Hello iriss

It is very early days for you following the devastating loss of your dear mom and quite normal to replay the events as you try to make sense of all that has happened.

The feelings that you describe are understandable. I think it would help if you could talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. Do you have a school counsellor, perhaps a friend of your mom's or another relative you can talk to? How about approaching a school nurse or your Doctor?

Take one day at a time iriss and ask for help when you feel you need it. In time you will learn to live with your loss. We are always here to support you,

Lottie x

[iriss in reply to Hidden]

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I don’t have time in my day to go talk to the school counselor. I would get very behind on school work and I’d become more stressed trying to catch up. I have mg own therapist but we have other things to speak about and not enough time in each session to do so.

I was thinking about finding a grief counselor or a grief support group.

I don’t know who to ask for help from because nobody can really help. They don’t understand my pain so they don’t know what to say. They usually say oof or some other reply that doesn’t make me feel better at all. I don’t feel comfortable with people also. So talking to them makes me uncomfortable and not feel good.

[Hidden in reply to iriss]

Hi iriss , I am sorry you are having difficulty finding the support you need to help with your emotions and feelings of grief.

A grief counsellor or support group sounds like a good idea. Why not check with your therapist to see whether she is aware of anyone near to you. I am not sure which country you live. Have you thought about searching on-line? Or perhaps in a local resource book at your school library or a public library. Do you have access to any community resources? I think personal recommendation is always a good way forward.

In the meantime it may help to write down your thoughts in a journal. I have found this practice useful, especially when my grief seemed all consuming.

Remember to take one day at a time iriss and be gentle with yourself. We are always here to support you, take care,

Lottie x