Dad, grandad and nanna

[Leenie0811]

Recently been invited to this group I'm not sure where I begin I'll go back just over 3 years ago it was a month before my 21st and I found out my dad had died suddenly in his sleep. This man is the closest person to me I'm the apple of his eye so close and suddenly he's gone. Then we fast forward 6 months and my grandad dies of natural causes or as I think a broken heart I can't imagine how he would have felt losing his son especially as before I was born his other son committed suacide. This man was the next closest person to me we shared some special memories as I was his first grandchild and the only one that spent any time with him when we visited. My cousins were closer to my nanna after he died though my nanna warmed towards me and the last time I saw her we had a lovely time not once did she criticise me just love all the time reminiscing about dad and grandad unfortunately in September she was diagnosed with cancer January just gone she lost the battle after doctors were so positive she would make a full recovery.

I'm stuck on how I get past all this how to cope or even accept this has happened. I just can't see how my life goes on without them I want to tell them all the stuff I'm doing and it hits me like a ton of bricks I can't and it's killing me. Can anyone share how they deal with such heartache?

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi @Leenie0811

I'm so very sorry to read of so many sad losses for someone so young, it is very traumatic for you.

I would really ask for a doctors referral to a Bereavement Counsellor or talking therapies, you need to talk this through.

In the meantime, you mentioned you wanted to 'tell them a ton of stuff' and I suggest you write each of them a letter telling them how you feel and what you have done. Put these and others mementoes, cards, gifts etc into a memory box, anything that reminds you of them and you can look in there whenever you need comfort and also add to it.

You need a support network of people you can talk to when it gets tough and of course, you have us to 'lean' on anytime'

I'm sure you will receive other replies, so please do check back.

Chloe

[Leenie0811 in reply to chloe40]

Thank you for the advice Chloe I've been put on a list for bereavement counselling unfortunately due to their demand I could be waiting over a month and will only have 4-6 one hour sessions. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Surely I can't make headway onc3 significant losses in 4-6 hours?

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Leenie0811]

Hi Leenie0811

That's sounds very unusual to me and I agree one session is no where near enough. I'm not sure if it's the area you live in but most would offer home visits too for however long you need them. Can you check the support groups in your area? You self refer too.

Chloe

[Leenie0811 in reply to chloe40]

I'm in Cumbria so I think the level of volunteers at cruse aren't that many. They said they can do a couple of phone calls before meeting face to face but that depends on the referrals team I don't mind being told that there's a waiting list but to be told you can only have 4-6 sessions isn't that good for me I know I will need more. I'm not sure if there is any other groups I would need to check it.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Leenie0811]

Leenie0811 I would definitely try and find another Bereavement group who can offer you home visits or both.

I'll try and check it out too and private message you if I come up with any.

Chloe

[Hidden]

Hi Leenie0811 it was me who told you about this new bereavement site. It is a very good site and you will get helpful understanding replies in here. Good to see you.

[jaykay777]

Leenie -- Those are a lot of losses. I think Chloe has said it all about coping. I'll just add that sometimes when I'm alone at home I briefly talk aloud to dear ones who are no longer here, telling them what's going on in my life. It helps me to hear my own voice.

[Leenie0811 in reply to jaykay777]

Thank you for telling me about this page I think some of the stories have helped me so much already. Apologies for the late replies I've had a lot on recently. I feel like when I talk aloud to them I have to realise they aren't here anymore so I struggle to do that. People talk of them in the past tense and I get so upset I don't want to forget any of them

[Natsteveo]

Oh my you have had a lot of death happen around you I'm so very sorry for your losses.it sèems everything that's happened around you has all happened so fast that you wasn't prepared for none of it.bereavement counselling is a definite must to start with.cruse bereavement is a charity run organisation that helps people like us who have been through losses like ours and they are fabulous.Iliterally went in cruse broken because I lost my mum who died in my arms of a very painfully suffering death and it happened so quickly too just like yours no warning.this bereavement helps me hugely I express what I'm feeling what hurts what I might the most believe me it helps.all you can do is take baby steps you have bèen through such a traumatic time and you haven't had time to even think about any of it.it's all still new yet to you as we all grieve differently in our way.jaykay77 is right speak out loud to them I do my mum and now my dad too.even though we cannot see them they are so near there's 3 generations of strong men here.your grandpa your dad and now you.live on strong in there memory they've raised a good soul in you you can do this we all have and still go through it.it's normal to feel low and sad it's because you are grieving you won't ever get over losing any of your cherished loved ones but you will learn day by day how to cope and take each stepid at a time.be kind to yourself we are all here for you we feel your pain you are not alone.xxx Leenie0811

[Leenie0811 in reply to Natsteveo]

I'm waiting to see cruse they said I would be waiting about a month and that it would only be 4-6 sessions due to their demand. Can this help or should I look into private counselling? My dog helps me so much she's so cute and has almost a sixth sense when I get down she never leaves my side. Talking of her she's just appeared on the bed and cuddling me as I write this. I know they don't want to see me like this and I try to be strong like they are but it all gets too much. I can't even accept that they aren't here anymore. Other family members seem to have got past it all but for some reason I've been left behind maybe it's coz I live 3 hours away I'm not sure

[Natsteveo]

Cruse bereavement is brill it helps me no end but it dosnt last long that's the thing but normally around 5 weeks into it you start to feel so much more like you again to some extent.try and do one thing at a time to do with counselling because it can get confusing for u.so try the bereavement counselling first then after if you think you need a bit more help then try cbt therapy that's good too.and our pets are our soulmates honey I have 2 dogs 2 shihtzu's handsome boys and whenever I'm sad the both cuddle me and my youngest licks away my tears they do know when we r low or sad they always there at the right time.you are very strong you must believe it to of gone through what you have your very strong and brave I think with your family they may not sèem like they are but I bet they are still hurting it's just some people don't show there emotions unlike me I wear my heart on my sleeve I will show emotion I will say what's making me so sad whereas my family would rather hide it than speak of it.now we are both on this site we can help eachother we are all here for the same reason.theres loads of support on here someone always knows what u going through.your not alone in this honey xx Leenie0811

[Leenie0811 in reply to Natsteveo]

Thank you for those kind words I really appreciate it it's just so overwhelming at times to try and put all of this together I guess I was being a bit pessimistic about the lack of sessions. I have had CBT 3 times before the last sessions were awful because the guy wanted to stick so rigidly to the stuff he knew but I was already practicing what he was preaching at me excuse the pun...

I know I am ready to come to terms with what's happened I just want it all done guess I'm very impatient at times take after my dad which warms me a lot xx

[Natsteveo]

Your very welcome babes.nobody can force you how to feel or how to go forward only us as grievers know when we are ready to try move passed it.the thing is though if I'm honest I don't think we ever will move passed the loss I mean my mum died 10 years ago and I still pine for her me and my mum was so close like u and your dad I think we just learn ourselves to take each day as it comes don't we.cbt helps some people but not all I was ok with it but then I felt it weren't working too here if you need me xx

[CambridgeshireGirl]

My heart goes out to you, that is so much to have to deal with. When my husband died, I was told by Cruse I had to wait months and my GP just kept saying ring Cruse! I found The Grief Recovery Method and it really helped me. It might be worth checking out their website griefrecoverymethod.co.uk they have lots of helpful articles as well as people who can help - depending where you are.

[Leenie0811 in reply to CambridgeshireGirl]

Thank you for the link I know this post was put on a long time ago but I still get those days where I get down, thanks again.

Leenie x