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Bereavement Care & Share

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Hello wish I'd known you were here before


I just wanted to say hello, last year was a year of loss for me with my Sister committing suicide in February and my Mother dying in July (made harder because we had to decide to switch off the machine keeping her body breathing). I wish I'd known about this community before. My family and friends seem to believe I am strong enough to cope with anything and grief is such a personal thing. I was lucky enough to come across my Mothers journal in which she wrote about a near death experience a few years before which was very comforting, along with a letter and poem she had written to her friend when she lost her husband but obviously not sent. I like to think she steered me in the direction of both to ease my pain both helped. Whatever is happening in your life I hope that you can find some comfort

16 Replies

bunty65 -- You've suffered significant losses. Because I am only child, I can only try to imagine what it must be like to lose a sibling. From what I've read, losing a close relative -- such as your sister -- to suicide, is also devastating. You are fortunate your mother left a journal and other writings. My mother was an artist, and left behind paintings, but that provided me only a glimpse of how she viewed the outside world and her own. With the encouragement and consent of attending doctors, I have ordered life support for two of my three husbands. The third one died in his sleep in a nursing home after living with dementia. I find some comfort in prayer and in talking with other widows. I an 86 years old, and have written to my children that if I'm ever in a condition where doctors recommend tubal feeding or mechanical breathing for me, they are to refuse. Until then, I'm grateful for the life I have, one day at a time.

bunty65 in reply to jaykay777

Thank you Jaykay yes death is hard but suicide brings so many other feelings. Our Father committed suicide 46 years ago, l was 5 my Sister 4 our childhood had many twists and turns (our Mum went on to marry 4 times) and experiences made adult life very difficult. My sister never came to terms with what we went through and for many years l felt guilty about not protecting her. Her death bought that guilt back to the surface. My Mums journal is like her talking to me and is a comfort the near death experience she talks about describes how peaceful she felt. I know your Mothers paintings aren't her words but artists who create with a passion often say it is like bearing their soul so it is a glimpse of her and her passion. The decision to turn off the machine is difficult because we could still see her body breathing and feel her warmth but like you the last thing she would have wanted was to be kept alive so it would have been selfish not to. I also pray and take a great deal of comfort in my faith it's been my one constant for years. Life is a great gift and l try to appreciate and find the beauty in all that is around me. I'm glad you have people to talk to, one sad thing is that as a society we find it so hard to talk about death yet it's the one thing we all have in common. I hope your days are filled with peace and happiness

I 'had' to agree to life support ceasing for a child following a riding accident. That was hell but suicide in many ways must be more difficult to cope with. My son was spared many of the sadnesses in life I hope. There are indications of 'guidance' and it leads to comfort am sure. x

bunty65 in reply to chrissapam

Chrissapam l am so sorry to hear about your loss. I had comfort in knowing that my mum had lived a life she was 70 but a child especially when it's an accident and you have no time to prepare l can't imagine how difficult that was for you. My Sister was in a very dark place, l like many people felt guilty that l wasn't able to help her but the sad truth is it was her choice not to live.

chrissapam in reply to bunty65

I know that is the reality but it is the one thing I fear for my surviving children...I suppose one doesn't want to think of the unhappiness beforehand. To lose your Dad in the same way too increases the taboo in some ways I suspect. Thanks for your post, its brave of you to share. Chris , .

Hi Bunty,

I'm sorry for your loss. I too lost a sister and my mother within quick succession. My mother on March 21st 2017 and my sister on the 8th February the following year. Yesterday, here in Aus was my mother's 3rd anniversary. Both passed away from complications to medication. I sat with my mother in the middle of the night when she left this earth.

Suicide is such an awful thing. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I think it's lovely that you found a journal that has perhaps let you know that things are ok? I'd love to hear what your mother wrote about the nde, as I have had 2 in my earlier life and I remember them but I've never written them down. Perhaps I should, for my children? Do you feel it has helped you cope?

We are stronger than we know. But sometimes, it's ok to not be as strong. Especially when the grief is so personal.

Love and light


bunty65 in reply to Lbk64

Hi Lee, Sorry to hear about your Mum and Sister it must still feel very raw for you. Yes reading my Mums journal about her experience did help, I could hear her voice in my head telling me how she felt. My Father committed suicide when l was 5 and my only full sibling was my sister so it very much felt like we were the three musketeers my mum, sister and l so losing them both so close together felt very lonely, there is nobody left who shared those experiences. I do have a younger half brother who is currently reading the journal but l will share her words with you when l get it back. There were some other things in the journal which were not so easy to read and made me feel very sad so l would just be very aware of your audience if you are going to leave anything. I have started writing odd things down but am careful that whilst it is true to me my children would not be upset by it. My Mum had remarried (actually she was on her 5th husband) and funeral arrangements, wishes etc were a minefield death can bring out the very worst in people. I hope that you were able to spend some time recalling happy memories on your Mums anniversary, it's one way we can all keep our loved ones nearby. Love and light to you

Suicide is a terrible thing, I too have experienced it. We were a family of four, the children were three and one when my husband took a cocktail of booze and pills. It was a hard time, with all the red tape, Inquest, police, his family being totally nasty and finally disowning us (I won't tell all of it, it still brings back bad memories). suffice it to say that my children have grown up without knowing their father's family at all.

bunty65 in reply to Midori

Hi Midori I am sorry to hear you went through so much, my Fathers family were much the same with my Mother and to be honest all it did was make us more protective of her and resentful towards them so we never did have much of a relationship. It is a terrible shame that they have missed out on your children growing up which may have brought them some comfort and also that they were not able to support you through such a difficult time practically and emotionally. I hope that life is being kind to you and your children x

You have suffered such tragedy. I really feel for you deeply.

I hear what you are saying about being careful what you write. I wouldn't want my children to feel that I was unhappy or disappointed in any way, which generally I'm not, but some things in life have made me wish for different things. But, I will remember your caution when I write things down.

I think you are brave and I don't know why life throws the hardships it does at us, especially some people more than others.


Hi Lbk64

Just wanted to Welcome You to our Friendly & Supportive site! I know you've been replying to many others on the site & I'm sure your support has been welcomed by other members!

But don't forget to look after yourself too!

Take Care. Warm Wishes Spykey 🤗

bunty65 in reply to spykey

Many thanks Spykey you too

spykey in reply to bunty65

It's good to have you with us bunty65! Warm Wishes Spykey 🤗

Lbk64 in reply to spykey

Thank you Spykey. Will take your advice. I promise myself lots of me time but never seem to get it. Time for change I think.

Not sure why there are so many posts from years ago, but I feel your loss and so glad you found the journal for further understanding. I am an only child and I cannot imagine what is it like to lose a sibling as I feel I was born with this loss of having no siblings. I encourage families to enjoy the siblings for that very reason. Your mother sounded loving and caring and you probably received that in you which keep her to you. Having a wonderful mother helps immensely. I was no so lucky but I do miss my estranged father who I got to meet soon before he died and that was great for me and I se old pictures and v vaguely remember how much fun he had been with me as a young child.

bunty65 in reply to socratesanne

Thank you socratesanne, I had forgotten that I wrote this my brother still has the journal but he has had two Cancer diagnosis to fight and I know has taken comfort from it, so I know it is in the right place. I encourage everyone to make the most of every moment that they have with their loved ones and not waste a second, one day you only have memories. My mother was very loving, caring, and fiesty, and having lost my Dad so young we always spoke of our feelings so she knew how loved she was. I am so sorry that you did not have a good relationship with your Mother you are correct the experiences we have in childhood/with our parents do reflect on the rest of our lives.

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