Advice Please

[Caza]

I need other peoples take on my friends situation. Her husband died 3 yrs ago. He was ill for about 5 yrs before. The ending was horrendous I was with them both right up until the end, his grown up children couldn’t face it which I totally understood. He was a fashion designer & had many many clothes. He was a larger than life character & was loved by many. He died way too soon. He’s left a big gap in all of our lives especially his daughter. My dilemma is, my friend would like to give his clothes to charity & begin to move his books etc… on & even sell her house which is way too big but her daughter won’t hear of it. She screams & shouts & becomes quite hysterical. She also is very verbally abusive to my friend. My friend was sobbing down the phone to me we no longer live near one another. I just listened but I really wanted to say go ahead & do what you want your grown up daughter, who lives with her since lockdown, is being unreasonable but is she???

[Dolphin14]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to be with your friend till the end. Im sure that was a huge relief to her.

I understand your friend's point of view 100%.

Her daughter sounds like she is having a very difficult time right now and can't let go?

Maybe your friend should give her a bit more time? I know she needs to move the process to get to her closure. Sometimes being around those memories hurts more.

I think if I were in her shoes... my opinion.... I would have a sit down and say these are my plans, things I have to do. You pick the things of your dads that give you comfort. Clothes can be made into pillows and quilts. I have done this. It gives a piece of something to hold on to.

As far as the house maybe she should state her time frame.

I'm sure she has already done this but maybe say how long do you think is reasonable, it's been three years, I need to move on now.

Lots of memories tied up in the home and the possessions.

Again I am sorry for your loss and the struggles you see your friend dealing with. All you can do is support her which I know you are

🐬

[Caza in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you for the brilliant reply. Yes I’d heard of special clothing being made into bed coverings. I’ll suggest that & the time frame is a good idea. Atm it’s crunch time with the car it keeps going wrong & it’s an extremely expensive car to upkeep. The daughter is digging her heels saying it can’t be sold her dad loved the car, which he did but if he were here it’d be long gone.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Caza

This is an very common issue sadly and I'm so sorry you're both suffering like this <3

I agree with Dolphin14 but I would add that it sounds to me as though the daughter needs bereavement counselling, she hasn't come to terms with the loss of her Dad and sees the sale of the family home as 'your friend taking a part of her Dad away for ever'.

Ultimately, your friend will have to make the decision to sell if that is what she needs to do to move forward and I hope her daughter will accept this at some stage.

Sending love

Chloe <3

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

She has been having counselling but won’t talk about it. Do my friend doesn’t know if she still going. I know she’s hurting badly but my friend needs to do what’s best for herself now,I think. Nothing has been touched for 3yrs the book he was reading his glasses etc..,my friend gets no pleasure from seeing them just pain. It’s a tricky one.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Yes, it is tricky Caza

Ultimately, she has do what's right for her, it's not healthy leaving his book, glasses etc still untouched. I would move belongings like this into a small box that the daughter can turn into a memory box, but a good idea to do this before she attempts to sell. That way, her daughter will be jogged into her own way of grieving, which is different to her Mums, only my personal opinion of course Caz.

Very best to you all.

Chloe

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

I shall make all these suggestions to her & then just be on hand to listen. My first instinct was to phone the daughter but on reflection thought that would be wrong. I know she’s in pain but to hurl abuse at her mum who’s also hurting is just plain wrong. ☹️

[chloe40 Administrator]

Yes, I understand Caza but I think that the daughter is hurting more than was realised, and she sees her Mum as taking away the last few things of her Dad that 'kept him alive' in her head. It's easier to see to a book and glasses etc and just pretend 'dads out' than to accept he has gone for ever.Chloe <3

[Caza]

Yes think your right. Pleased I kept quiet 🤐 Communication needed, why do we find it so hard.

[Robbo1]

You did so right not to get involved in the dispute, but instead to be a kind listener to your friend, who is trying to move on.I lost my husband to PSP almost four years ago. After two years, most of his clothes went to charity, but it was a friend who helped me to sort them out, not family. This made things easier. Your friend's daughter is obviously traumatised by losing her father. My children are too, but they have their own family groups to keep them busy. It sounds as if this daughter does not have that distraction.

Maybe your friend can set a deadline for some time in the future and say to her daughter that she understands her problem, but that she will be sorting out some things in - ( state the month), so if anything is wanted, then it needs to be put on one side before then.

Hopefully, this will give time for reflection.

You are a good friend, so just be there for your friend, Caza and don't get involved in family politics, for as they say, "Blood is thicker than water."

Best wishes.

[Caza]

You are so right. I past on all advice given & was told that they were going to vacuum pack everything & put it in the loft 🤷‍♀️ In future I will listen only.

[Chase888]

I know it is hard to support someone who is bereaved. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

I agree with the answer to give it time until your daughter is feeling better and then they can look at places together.

I don't know if they would be interested in the Vinted app or to advertise the good clothes on Facebook.

I say this because charities get loads of clothes.