Mom

[iriss]

Its been one month since my mom passed away and it feels unreal. I still haven’t fully grasped that it happened. We are in the process of selling her house and getting everything together that we need to get and getting rid of things we don’t. I don’t want to do it though, getting rid of her things and her house will make everything more real. I don’t want this to become a reality. I’d rather pretend I’m fine and that nothing is happening. It hurts to think about her.

[lea57-49r]

I totally understand how you are feeling and my thoughts are very much with you.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello iriss

This is such an awfully emotional thing for someone so young to be doing, though I do know it has to be done. Sadly, we can't leave things as they are when a loved one passes and clearing personal things is one of those very painful duties we have to do. Please try and think about the things you'd like to keep, especially photos, letters, trinkets, little things that means so very much that you can keep in a memory box and maybe one or two other not small items. Be guided by your Family iriss, I know this is such a painful time for you {{{hugs}}} and we're here supporting you all the way.

You will need to talk this through but one step at a time okay?

When you feel the need to talk with your Mom about what's going on in your life, write it all down in a letter and keep them in your memory box.

Take care little one, I'm very proud of you!

Chloe xx

[kenster1 Volunteer]

hey its been 6 months for my dad and due to other family issues ive not began to think of grieving or accepting hes gone I know how you feel.could you keep some things that are personal to you and donate things to a homeless charity that would be a touching thing to do knowing they are going to less fortunate people.dont worry about the tears its natural and ok to cry but best to have another relative or friend with you as well.take care.

[GoGo_JoJo]

Only take on tasks you want to. The bulk of responsibility lies with your Dad regardless of how he may be struggling too. Keep those things you can't bear to be without but let him deal with the rest.

I've seen some of your other issues with your Dad, I think you should be open with your therapist, he should also be involved and learn to understand how his own issues/attitudes are affecting you.

You're still learning to grow up, he's the grown up and needs to shoulder the responsibilities.

How you're feeling is very, very normal. I thought maybe if I just didn't ring the funeral director back...maybe I wouldn't have to deal with things but we know it doesn't work like that.

Don't pretend you're fine too much though. You're not fine and that's OK. You're hurting and that's completely to be expected. Time will ease the hurt. Keep talking, keep taking one day at a time. 💗

[iriss in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

My dad and mom weren’t married, he’s doing nothing with her stuff or her house. I have older siblings in their 30s who are dealing with the house. I’m afraid they will take everything if I don’t get it first and I don’t have time to get to her house to get the stuff I want.

And my therapist knows but there’s not much I can do about it. I don’t want to tell him because he will get angry at me and I don’t want that to happen. He doesn’t like to be told he is wrong.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to iriss]

I'm sure he doesn't but you can't sacrifice your peace of mind for him being self-righteous.

If you can't trust your siblings, that's a real shame. Are there no aunties or uncles who could help? Ultimately although objects can be nice it will be your memories that will be the most important. No one can ever, ever take those from you.

Having grown up with a narcissist mother I know first hand how sub-standard parenting can affect your life later. If you can't bear to try and get him involved at least stick with the therapy; you're going to need it. After several rounds over nearly 7 years I managed to reverse the flow and finally sort myself out. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, there really is.

[iriss in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

I guess that makes sense. And I trust my siblings but with everything happening lately with my mom they’ve been suspicious and seeming like they’re hiding something. My aunt is on my side and she is willing to help, it’s just a matter of scheduling.

I want objects because my memory is getting worse every day. I’m so overloaded with emotions that it is difficult to remember simple things let alone relive memories of ours.

I’ll stick with the therapy for sure, possibly getting another counselor specific for bereavement counseling. I don’t want to be a bad person but he’s already affecting me now. I’ve caused fights because I’ve acted how he has acted unintentionally. It sucks. I don’t have many good influences in my life, and I don’t see them on a daily basis either.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to iriss]

Cultivate as many good influences as you are able (all throughout your life) and spend as much time as you can with them even if if it is infrequent.

You're in a very difficult time without the added burden of a damaged/inadequate parent. Ultimately their behaviour is NOT and never has been your fault. They are the adult, they are fully responsible for their own attitudes and actions regardless of anything they may say or insinuate.

You know in your head and heart what is right and wrong. If you always try to steer right you're doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you.

When they come to you write down good memories. If you like drawing, decorate around them, flowers, doodles etc. Artistic outlets are brilliant for both grief and mental health in general. When my Dad died I made fridge magents of some of my fave childhood photos. It really helped seeing his magic smile, it hurt at first but then it became comforting.

Don't worry, the overwhelming feeling of too many emotions is unfortunately spot on but it is going to pass, in time. Most of your memories will come back to you in time. Looking at photos or listening to your Moms fave music can help.

Talk to your aunt and your siblings, make it clear what you'd like to have. Try not to read too much into what else might be happening. Might be something, might be nothing but you have more than enough on your plate right now. It might just be they are struggling in their own ways. Losing a parent is always, always a ground shifting event at any age and regardless if they got on with them or not it is extremely complex and hits everyone in differing ways.

I understand where you're at, but try not to overthink it all. Find an outlet that can help you shut it out a little. Get out with friends, exercise; running helps me and I don't know how I could have coped without it when my mother died at the end of April. Lose yourself in music, sing, go outside and shout (I did that a lot at work when I lost my Dad) it can feel so good to feel like that big blockage, lump, weight, can be, even temporarily...lessened.

You're going to come through this, it's not going to be easy but I'm sorry to say life isn't that easy but the journey will be worth it, I can tell you that. 👍

[Greyone]

Gosh, mom, you must be on an emotional rollercoaster all right. two and a half years after my mum died, my sister and I were decided to sell and move out. Living in the family home makes it so much more difficult and dealing with our own problems isn't easy.

So the very best of luck to you and your brave deeds.