Another loss

Hello good people,

3 years ago I lost my mum, 11 months later my oldest sister. My old dog a year ago. This year an auntie and an uncle.. A month ago my horse and last week my oldest brother. The funeral is tomorrow. I feel numb, blank, unable to cry. I can't feel anything. Is this normal? I feel like my brain won't allow me to think about what is happening, what has happened. I'm scared there's something wrong with me.

I think I'm just looking for some type of reassurance. Anything at this time. :/

20 Replies

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  • Hello there Lbk64

    Welcome to our Community.

    I'm really so sorry for the loss of your dear brother. I think when we've had several losses in a short period of time, it does make us question what is going on and of course it can make you numb with disbelief that so many close losses could happen to you. Please let me reassure you that you are perfectly normal to be feeling this way, you are in shock and once the funeral is over you will then begin to grieve. This is when you are likely to find these feelings come tumbling out all over again. It will take time to rationalise these thoughts and it's not easy and you do need time to grieve, however long that takes. During this period, be kind to yourself, take the time to do things for 'you' and remember, we are always here for you.

    Take good care of yourself.

    Chloe

  • Thank you Chloe.

    I'm hoping the funeral will help me accept the reality of it all. It was sudden and unexpected. We don't know what caused him to pass as yet. We are waiting on autopsy results.

    When I try to remember the middle of the night phone call and going to his house to see him before the coroner came to take him, it doesn't seem real. It feels like it happened years ago. It's hard to explain. I'm hoping I can keep it together at the funeral and deal with it at home and in private.

    I just feel so out of touch with reality at the moment. :/

  • That's must have been a very traumatic moment indeed Lbk64 and I'm so sorry you had to go through that, really I am and I agree it all seems surreal at the moment.

    After the funeral, you may not feel any different initially but give it time and let the shock subside and then you will be asking yourself questions, why this, why that, but you will eventually be able to make some sense of this painful distress you are coping with.

    Take care

    Chloe

  • thanks Chloe.

    I haven't had a lot of time to myself so perhaps when I do get to have some quiet time it may begin to sink in?

    I'm hoping to remain composed at least until after the funeral.

    Thank you again.

    Lee

  • Hello Lee

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother.

    I am not surprised that you feel so numb. You have suffered a number of losses in a short space of time and my heart goes out to you.

    You are probably in shock at the moment. You have the funeral tomorrow. Lee, there is nothing wrong with you, your emotions will return in time and you will grieve. In the meantime please try to be kind to yourself.

    We are always here to support you.

    Lottie x

  • Thank you Lottie.

    There are so many "what if's" going around my head at the moment. I wish the funeral could be a private one as I struggle to deal with myself crying in front of strangers. I know it's a part of the process and it's normal at funerals to cry but I get embarrassed and I don't know why. Selfishly, I wish the funeral could be a private one as I feel I could deal better with expressing my emotions with family. It's not about me though and I know that. I sound like a spoiled child. :/. The part of me that needs a hug is hiding in a locked room somewhere. That's what it feels like.

    Thank you for being here. Xo

  • Lee, you need support right now and if I could, I would reach out and give you a big hug.

    Your brother's funeral tomorrow will be incredibly hard for you and I hear your pain.

    Give yourself time, Lee and get as much support as you feel you need. Take things one day at a time and try not to be too hard on yourself. We are always here to support you,

    Thinking of you, Lottie x

  • Thank you Lottie.

    We had the funeral today. I finally cried and cried hard. The photo tribute was what made it finally hit home. Family members gave beautiful speeches, it was a lovely send off. I think I can finally start the grieving process. I'm exhausted this evening and feel like I just need a good sleep.

    I'm taking some time out on Saturday to do something for myself. Even if it's just a drive somewhere away from home.

    Thank you all for being here. Xo

  • Hello Lee,

    I am so glad to hear your brother's funeral was such a tribute to him.

    I hope you sleep well and manage to get some time to yourself. Crying does not always come easy but it can be so therapeutic. Look after yourself Lee and take one step at a time as you grieve and remember all those you have lost.

    I hope in time you will feel some peace and be able to remember your brother and other family members and beloved pets with a smile. Take care,

    Love and blessings, Lottie x

  • Will do. Thank you.

  • Oh my Lbk64 you have suffered alot and I'm so sorry for all your losses and to lose your brother too for someone to lose one family member or friend is devastating enough but to lose as much as you have in a year is quite alot to deal with by any means..your body has took so much trauma with your losses happening so quick after eachother you sound to me like you haven't had time to grieve so your grief is catching up with you all these feelings your having is typical grief your going numb because you've got so much emotion stored away it needs to find a way out and it will when your ready everyone grieves differently and there's no time limit when to either please don't worry it's all normal emotion and feelings if your worried by all means go to your doctors and get checked out for piece of mind but this is how I reacted and experienced when I lost my mum my uncle and my step dad one after the other I was exactly the same hope you start to feel ok in yourself soon and once again I am so sorry for your losses

    Take care

    Love Nat xx

  • Thank you Nat.

    I'm hoping to have some time alone over the weekend to sit and write a note to my brother. To say the things I can't say out loud. All great things about him, he was a very gentle person. He always had time to help or listen to others. He had suffered a breakdown quite a few years back and never quite recovered fully. He sometimes drove us crazy with his ways but we never got angry with him about it, frustrated maybe but never angry. He always seemed like the unbreakable one in the family. Was always busy physically and strong. We don't know what he died from as yet. He just felt unwell, went to bed and didn't wake up. I think because we don't know what happened, I don't know how to deal with him dying. Does that make any sense?

    My head is all over the place today.

    Lee xo

  • Hi Lbk64 yes this makes perfect sense to me I can totally relate to what you have spoke about..writing him a letter will give you more focus writing down your feelings how proud of his strength his love and for being your big brother will help you express your feelings giving yourself time over the weekend will be good for you because with the funeral tomorrow you will need some me time to absorb it all give yourself a few minutes to think and breathe and take it all in

    Here if you need to talk

    Thinking of you tomorrow

    Love Nat xx

  • Thanks again Nat. I think that is what I definitely need. I haven't really had any time alone since he passed. We are a big family, I'm number 8 out of 9. Though I'm the second youngest, the older sisters always call me to download to. I feel weak if I call someone else and breakdown crying. I know it's not weak, it's just my perception of it. I will be turning my phone off on Saturday and having the day to myself. I haven't done that in forever.

  • We had the funeral Nat. I cried harder than I had all week. I was exhausted physically and emotionally by the end of the day.

    I did end up going to the viewing and I would have to say, he looked nothing like my brother. Nothing at all. I will blur that picture in my head now and focus on the beautiful pics that were in the photo tribute. Resting up today with my granddaughter. We are going to watch some videos, it's cold and wet here in Aus. Tomorrow is going to be a "me" day. Just time to be with my thoughts. It feels a bit selfish, but I never do it.

    Thank you again for your support.

    Lee

  • I feel so sorry but am certain there is nothing wrong with you; regrettably life and death are normal...since we have got better at attempting to delay and eliminate it, it sometimes hits us between the eyes.

    It sounds like you are handling everything that has happened to you in the best way possible. Do love and be kind to yourself don't be scared to mourn but also to enjoy what you can. You could try feeling sorry for those who are scared of feeling...they miss so many good times and sometimes are more like machines...am sure you will cry when the time is right for you. Those who have died must be together....try, if it helps to accept the mystery and wonder of this. Much love, Chris xx

  • Thank you Chris. It's strange how we know that death is inevitable but we still struggle to cope with it. I know it's because we want to be together and never have to say goodbye but we HAVE to at some stage. A couple of graces are that my mum and dad went first. My parents would never have coped with my sister and brother going before them. They never wanted to bury a child..like all parents naturally. The other thing is that other than feeling unwell, he didn't suffer. It was fast, whatever it was and he wasn't in any pain. Just felt unwell in the stomach. We will find out in time I guess. :/

    Thank you for your kind words

    Lee

  • Hello Lee...am glad for your parents...I had to bury an 8 year old as a result of a freak accident. Will never get over it but like you am g;lad my parents did not have to cope. Interestingly enough he had said he wanted to be buried near his grandad and in fact he was...I always think of them as being together which does help. His brother and sister struggle though as you can imagine and it all comes back when an animal dies.

    however, I remain glad he was born and am sure you feel the same about your brother and sister...my Dad said and quoted..life is its own reward...enjoy it while ye may. There is a lot to be said for that...I think. With love and many thoughts Chris xxx

  • Hello Chris.

    I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little boy. Out of all the tragedies that life can throw at us, that would have to be the worst. I admire and give credit to your strength in continuing on. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    Your dad was right, life is its own reward. What a lovely quote. I hope you won't mind if I print that off and pin it on my fridge?

    We forget the bigger picture and sometimes only focus on the small stuff that really makes no difference at the end of the day.

    Again, my heart goes out to you, xo

  • thanks Lee...xxx

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