My husband committed suicide 3 weeks ago, just feel so devastated & feel I cannot open up to family & friends. He was my everything since I was 16, we were together for 34 years, have 2 fantastic boy 17 & 23, who Dad's was their hero.
He did have depression & business was quiet for the last 6 months & the Covid 19 & restricted movement made him more upset. We have been through hell & back in our 34 years but he never mentioned taking his life. He left letters for my boys & I which we cannot read yet.
My boys are great & I have good friends & family but still feel so devastated & do not know what to do.
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Amarussell21
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hi I am so very sorry to hear of you tragic loss thoughts and prayers with you the boys and the family as a whole.sometimes grieving can send us into our shell mentally it can be hard to seek help and open up.have your boys read the letters maybe they could read them to you rather than you do it yourself but you could read them together in order to comfort each other.cruise bereavement really helped me last year you should give them a call.family really will offer you the best support along with friends.god bless and take care of yourself.
Thank you, we have not read the letters yet, my boys had a quick look at theirs on the day it happened but I just can't yet. We had him cremated & I cannot bear to have him home as it will seem that it is really the end.
We live in Malaysia & due to the restricted movement we cannot leave the house, which is hard as he also passed in the house.
Is it odd that my boys & I sleep in the sitting room? All cannot sleep in our own beds yet.
Thank you, we have seen a family friend / counsellor, luckily my boys are strong & such support for me & we do talk together & they have good close friends.
I think I just cannot understand it nor can his friends, he was everyone's rock & the last person we all thought would think that way.
I just miss him so much, I feel bad if I cry to people or say I miss him too much. I know people are thinking of me but when they tell me to "move on" & "life goes on" I just break down.
I suppose I just need to talk to people but not family. My Mum is pushy & tells me to basically get over it, my Dad & my sister are not close to me. Friends are good but I do not want to burden them.
I think I maybe need my own counsellor. It is just so tough & I feel stupid breaking down so often.
Such a dreadful shock for you and your boys {{{hugs}}}
Words cannot express how I feel for you, my heart goes out to you all.
You said your husband had depression and this is something that could have been linked to what happened and the current crisis may well have been the last straw. Sadly you'll never know. You must have so many questions that need answering, maybe your letter will give you some clue, I do hope so.
You really need some support right now for you and the boys, they too must be devastated and being stuck at home doesn't help either does it?
The boys need comforting too and that's difficult when your heart is filled with so much anguish and you need comforting yourself. They had a different type of relationship to their father and will grieve differently too.
Do you have anyone to support you? and adult or relative or someone that the boys can relate too? a Church leader perhaps of school counsellor? This virus is making everything so difficult right now.
Amarussell, please let me know as I will support you myself.
Take each hour as it comes, don't try to think ahead too much, concentrate on getting through the time together, eating and just being there for one another.
Thank you so much, it is nice to connect to people who understand. My hubby always had slight depression but he also grew up in a house hold where men are not suppose to cry or share problems & had an abusive Father, although over the years he did try to get over this & he made sure he had a fantastic relationship with our boys, this is why we cannot understand why he left us.
My boys found him which was devastating & tried to give cpr but we all knew it was to late. They are my great support & I understand that I need to give them my time, I try not to cry too much in front of them. I just feel if I speak to friends & family to often they will get sick of me, it has only been 3 weeks & I feel I am already annoying them.
I check on my boys & they have good friends & my husbands are friends have been very supportive, plus my boys are very close to each other but I just feel so lonely & hurt.
I am trying to take each day slowly & so appreciate it that I can talk to someone, well type which is better for me as talking makes me cry.
This is so awful for you all. I’m just so so sorry that this has happened to you. Your husband must of been in utter turmoil. It’s only been three weeks which is nothing when you’ve lost someone you love especially to suicide as you get all the other emotions as well, hate guilt anger what ifs if onlys. The comments that you’ve heard “life moves on” “ life goes on” I feel are very harsh after just three weeks. You & your boys must be in absolute shock. Accept any physical help you can get, food washing cleaning etc.... do whatever makes you feel better. Be there for one another. Accept that some friends will be there for you & some will run for the hills. Please don’t be bullied into going back to “normal” whatever that is. Your then normal will be very different to your future normal. But for now allow yourself & your boys to grieve. Talk to others who totally understand what your going through & that usually comes from people who’ve experienced a loved one through suicide. Lots of websites out there.
Take care of yourself & your boys. Wrap yourselves up in blankets & allow yourselves to howl. Such early days for you all. My heart goes out to you. X
Thank you for understanding. Today was tough, I woke up thinking I should tell my husband something & then realised he was not there. Sometimes I feel bad to cry but as you say I need to.
As least now I no longer feel I am being stupid to get so upset.
when you feel this need, tell him! Speak out loud and tell him what you wanted to say.
I still do this to this day to my Dad. It helps to release the thought or thing, rather than feel you must hold it back, even something small. Voice it 👍🏻
I do not have adequate words to express my sympathy at your loss Amarussell21.
I apologize that this is a short message ad I have to get to work in a few minutes.
I am recovering from the death of my only child R. I. P. from suicide at age 14. I found that talking to a therapist helped ( it does depend on the rappor with the therapist, try a few before you decide you feel comfortable talking) as I too did not want to burden friends and family.
It's going to sound like a cliche but time does help heal some wounds,
You have the gift of 2 beautiful children and maybe supporting them my help you to focus on helping yourself .
Thank you Mary, I am so sorry for the loss of your son, my heart really goes out to you.
My youngest son tried to take his life about 2 years ago, his father was so upset & made him promise never to do that again but unfortunately it was him that found his father in the same way he tried to kill himself.
We have seen a counsellor & he seems OK but his elder brother & I are terrified to leave him alone.
Some days I hate my husband for doing this but mostly miss him.
Again thank you so much for your message, I know this forum is something I need & I wish you all the best in your healing as well XXXX Amanda
I totally understand your anger, but I my opinion this anger will pass and reappear again. It is a " normal" feeling during the journey of grief.
I am very new to online forums as a method of seeking support, hopefully it helps you.
I am of course not advocating that seeing a councillor will be a cure all,as it depends on various factors ( you need to feel they truly understand your pain, of course some days you will feel the whole world can't help)
I found initially attending a group support meeting helped me, you might consider that in the future if they will exist post pandemic.( perhaps via zoom)
I also found that adhering to a routine every day helped, no matter how trivial. I found writing out a list of my hurt and anger and visceral rage helped me a little.
My 2 brothers also died Rip, when I was very young, so as child watching my mom in pain hurt me so I urge you to try and seek out your own support ( trial &error I know) which will hopefully help you to support your beautiful boys.
This is a short post as I am trying to work and cope with isolation during total lockdown here in Ireland.
Apologies for the mistake, losing any child would be hard. I would never want anyone to go what we are going through & with this Covid 19 I am sure there are more people suffering. Agree keeping busy helps, I have never had such a clean oven that's for sure.
I am taking it slowly & listening to all the advice, my emotions are in waves as I am sure you understand. Take care & I hope I can support you as you support me. I will be thinking of you here in Malaysia & hope you find the comfort you need.
No words can ever be enough to cover over the pain and heartache of losing your husband and father to your boys. Grief has no proper timetable and no, you should not feel pressure to move on or get over it quickly or feel stupid in any way. 34 years is a very long time and the type of death was so sudden and without any warning of the impending doom.
Perhaps his letter may help to soothe your pain some, but also could make it more difficult to hold his last words to you. Take all the time you need to process this. Read it when you are ready. In the meantime though, guard and protect your heart, if you cannot sleep in the same room as he was found in, then by all means don't. Perhaps getting down on paper all of the things you want to say to him, the emotions you feel over the whole thing, pouring out on paper so you can at least give it a space and to get it out.
Definitely counseling might be a great option for you to explore, I know many therapists are seeing patients online. Being on these support pages helps a ton too. Do you have a good friend or pastor to turn to for some emotional support as well? I pray for peace and healing for your heart and soul and for your boys. Loss is so hard to process. Praying for you my friend.
I'm really sorry for the loss of your husband and your boys Dad please accept my sincere condolences! Please don't feel that you are a burden to anyone, losing someone however they die is heart breaking 💔 for anyone!
Take time to grieve there's no need to rush, grieving is a process that the body & mind go through to deal with such a shock!
May you & your boys find strength in the love you share with each other and as others have already said, get a good therapist that works for you & with you to get through such a tragic loss!
May God reach down & wrap his loving arms around you all, and may his angels surround you always!
How horrific for you all. I'm so sorry you have this to cope with 💖
There's nothing much you can do right now except be there for your boys. Let the feelings come as they will and they will be many and varied, sadness and anger, loneliness and despair. Don't fight them or even wonder why you're feeling what you're feeling. This is trauma, there is no road map.
Every feeling, every thought is valid in its own right.
In time just remember that you were not the reason for the choice, you could not have influenced that choice, it's not your fault nor any, any reflection on you.
Look after yourself and your boys, they need you.
In time life will show you which way to go and how to heal, right now I'm afraid you must just hold on as best you can for the ride.
Sending you love and light on this difficult journey. 💞
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