Bereavement Care & Share
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My dad is gone

I’ve done a few searches online to see if there is anyone who’s had the same.

My dad died suddenly in a house fire on Friday. I got a phone call in the early hours of the morning and drove to my parents house knowing my mum was safe but my dad wasn’t out the house at the time of the phone call. I kept saying to myself don’t think the worst , he has to have gotten out, the emergency services will get him.

Without going into to much detail, they didn’t get him, it was too late.

My mind is in overdrive. I loved my dad so much, and I always told him that when I saw him and gave him a kiss when I said goodbye. But over the years my dad had a chronic alcoholism problem and it caused a lot of hurt, anger, family divisions, to the point that there were many times I stayed away from my parents for months of time to protect my own health and my children. I coaxed, cajoled him so many times to behave and not drink and sometimes he did and could be sober.

There were many good times and we enjoyed some lovely days out in August & September 2017. But he didn’t make it to Christmas dinner, he was in bed all day. I went to collect my parents for the meal. I said I’d go back for him, he said no, I didn’t actually see him, he was in bed.

My regret is that one last missed opportunity, I should have made him get up, I should have washed and dressed him. Brought him to my home, but my mum said no, leave him, don’t spoil our Christmas meal.

Now it’s too late and I don’t know how I’ll get through this. Yet for years I felt I was grieving for the wonderful dad I’d had through my early childhood, before alcohol got its grip on him and changed him and we lost him to that. It had taken his health.

Distraught and in shock that he’s gone and in such a horrific way. I can’t even see him.

What now?

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I hope you will find peace in your memories of the good times with your dad, and a peaceful Christmas meal with the others. I lost my dad in 1980, and I still miss him. He too died suddenly; suffered a fatal stroke while going to visit my hospitalized mother.

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Thanks for your reply to my message. I know that finding peace will take time, people say time heals.

I’m sorry for your loss too, just awful.

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The missing is a constant isn't it- it remains somewhere on your person always-popping up like new grief when least expected- B vitamins help a lot..when I can't shake it-one of them is called the 'happy vitamin' thiamine or riboflavin...My dad was the coolest cat and I miss him too- He was 87 years young.. I know that sounds old but he still was enjoying life interestingly humorously & healthfully..or so he/we thought..Cheers to dads ...jen

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Every time I see an elderly man , grey hair, my heart lurches. I think, “dad”. It’s 10 days now. It’s this feeling of forgetting he’s gone, then suddenly remembering.

Cheers to dads and remembering dads.

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So sorry to hear this, my heart goes out to you , please try and remember the good times with your dad I know how hard it can be. We are all here for you when ever you need us. He knew you loved him and he loves you always.

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Hello there Hidden

A very warm welcome to our Community.

This sounds so inadequate but I really am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. How absolutely distressing for you {{{hugs}}}, I felt shocked just reading your post and I cannot pretend to understand the pain you are going through.

I understand he had problems and you feel you should have gone back for him at Christmas, but try to think of all the times you told him you loved him,he would have been comforted by that.

Your shock and pain is far to fresh to even consider Bereavement Counselling but some way off when you've had time to come to grips with this, is the time to seek Counselling. By all means have a chat with your GP in the meantime.

Please remember we are always here for you, to support you through the unreality of this moment and his death. You need to take care of you, support your Mum and others by all means but she is far to close to you to offer support in return as she is grieving herself.

Please stay in contact, we have such friendly, supportive members here who will do their best to help you.

Take care

Chloe x

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You are so incredibly kind. Such kind words.

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Bless you for saying that Hidden I'm here for you always!

Chloe x

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Awww Hidden

I've got tears writing this with what you have been and are going to go through.

It's hard enough to lose anyone we love but to lose your dad in such tragic circumstances must be absolutely devastating for you.

Please don't blame yourself im sure your dad wouldn't want you to feel like that honey.

Alcohol is a bad thing to consume you but you have your memories and your childhood memories of your loving dad nothing can take them away from you.

It's very very raw for you at the minute and your grieving please feel free to talk to us at anytime

Love Nat xxx

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that is really sad news.my heart goes out to you and your family.i never got to say goodbye to my son or my mum.that haunts me everyday but now I can manage it better.im sure your dad knows that you loved him very much.never think of difficult times try and think of all the many good ones.you and your mum and other family members should keep his memory alive by talking of the good times and support each other.i kinda feel the same as you with my brother as he lives alone and is an alcoholic.make sure you receive proper help and support I'm sure we on here will support you.god bless you all.

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I’m glad I took the moment to share my thoughts and sadness, I know I’m not alone when I read that you too have suffered the loss of your son and mum and I really appreciate that you’ve taken time to write me kind words and offers of support. I feel not alone. It’s sad seeing the people you love afflicted and broken through alcohol.

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Dear Cupcake what a terrible way to have your dad go

I am sure you realize that he suffered no pain- asleep and asphyxiation from the fire's fumes

No pain experienced...

Really no matter how he died it is a major Life tragedy that we all must experience ,one which jerks tears from your eyes every time you imagine it all your life -until it really is the....real day and the real event..

-You are shocked by the suddenness ..so you must be very ill at ease it could have been avoided and the unfairness of it to your dad...

And of course you miss him-I miss my dad too he was always a staunch supporter of me

My dad was fine on Tuesday and dead alone on Wednesday his heart exploded-and he had a remarkable clean bill of health-it must have hurt like crazy but I tell myself that it was almost instantaneous and hopefully the shock had some palliative effect...

I send you hugs and tears of commiseration,stand by your mum I feel for you both-the shock will dissipate in time but the missing is ongoing it pops up unexpectedly and you keep the sadness in your pocket always...try to find a live support group-cyber hugs aren't as good as the real thing-lean heavily on friends too.. best of the future feelings to you..sincerely,jen

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Thank you for your kind words and that you shared with me the sad and sudden passing of your dad. It’s an indescribable feeling of sadness and pain to lose a dad.

I have a close group of friends, one of whom lost her father in November, she nursed him at home for 6 months after he had a stroke, she was with him at the moment his life ended. When we’ve talked it’s the stark difference in the way these two lives passed.

That’s what shocks me the most, my dad’s last moments, I worry that he was alone, sad and in pain, although I know you are most likely right in that he wouldn’t have known.

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Yes the worst part for me is the never having had the chance to say goodbye that last hug,but it would have been sooo sad if he had had a long drawn out painful death- don't know about you but pain is a real fear of mine as well as needing infant like care

Also he was mobile and could take care of his own bodily needs right up til the end -self sufficient .. except for addictions of course which many of us have to get from day to day,no one is the perfect person his friends want him to be- but in his own right he was himself til his end which is something to be grateful for..

A Good Buddhist Death is what they call these almost instant 'surprise the world' deaths which don't involve degeneration or malingering..

his karma must have been good...keep an eye out for his re-incarnates in the form of new babies since his death..his traits in others will bring you some closeness and closure through others...

There is never a good time for a bad thing to happen

Time is natures way of not having everything happen to you at once

Space is natures way of making sure everything doesn't happen to you..

Glad to know you are still truckin' xx Jen

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You have a way with words x

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Dear Cupcake Thanks for your compliment !

Speaking of words.... I was asked by the email to make a post this am and it is all about words,perhaps you could spare a moment and find it- in the homepage it is about 'self help in grief'...

Hope you slept well and woke up feeling a little positive about the good things today

I send you Strength/ Power.... Jen XX

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I’ll do that.

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CC It seems to me that your dad was a very complex guy...and thus your relationship with and memories of him would be a very engrossing project to figure out and write about...

It might bring out a bit of conflict inside your heart but that was also the day to day reality by the sound of your description of the state of things when he was here.... and getting this all out the thought /time processing... will bring greater understanding and some closure to the

Story of his life and how you were loved and shaped by him...

articulating the sadness and everything you feel will help you establish a thermometer of how you are doing...gives more shape and form to feelings when they are paired with words

Even one word per day as to your feelings will help you assess your state

Nuff said-enjoy the good memories and be good to yourself-have a hot bath with epsom salts- we are all low on our magnesium and you need to keep yourself healthy or the sadness becomes your whole life..good supplement multi vitamin especially the B vitamins-

High dose like 50 mg of all the B's keep you as happy as can be physically...and the Vit C...

But the epsom salts is pure magnesium which will definitely relax you- 2 cups in a hot bath..

Reach out to a suffering fellow human today like a homeless or a child- it is amazing how we all have this common bond-suffering !

Love , Jen

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I’ve been to chemist this morning and bought effervescent vitamins and some Bach’s rescue remedy. 🙂

You’re absolutely right that my dad was a complex character and when you wrote on other post about writing stuff down, I should do that.

He worked in the Middle East in 1970’s/80’s and early 90’s. Also Eastern Europe and Africa. He was married with us 4 children but enjoyed the bachelor life working abroad. When I was a child he was away for months at a time. When he returned it was magic having him at home only for him to go off on another contract.

Retirement did not agree with him , he retired at age 67 and he’d just turned 75 in December 2017. He did enjoy having grandchildren. , although as I previously wrote he didn’t see them as much as he should’ve because his behaviour was not good, when he was on alcohol. Very sad because he was an interesting man with many interests in words, science and maths and also useless facts. I’m smiling writing this.

Thanks for your recommendation of writing things down. I can see that this will help greatly.

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