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Action on Postpartum Psychosis
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Struggling today x

Hello wonderful women.

Im writing to you crom a cafe waiting to start a shift at work. I am struggling so much today. I can see the bridge from the window. On the bus to work i just wanted to fet off by the bridge and stare down. Ive been thinking about it for a while.

I suffered with pp in 2016. I was in hospital and discharged. Ive made so much progress and am no longer psychotic or fearful of my son. Our relationship is good but im still strggling with horrendous depression. I had depression before my baby was born.

When does post naal depression stop? Is what im dealing with just normal depression again? I feel like its getting worse and worse x

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Hi Daninicole,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you are feeling this right now. I had PP 4 years ago and while I would say I have recovered I still have my up and down days.

It's great that you have a good relationship with your baby, you should be so proud of yourself, despite battling depression you are being a wonderful mum!

Have you talked to your GP about it? Or close friend you feel comfortable with? I think it might be worth talking to them.

Please reach out to someone who can support you and we are here to virtually support you too!

Jx

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Hello Daninicole

I hope by now you are safely home and managed to distract yourself from your thoughts. I'm really sorry you're struggling today. Although you have made so much progress since 2016, recovery is very up and down and some days harder than others, especially if you are weighed down by depression.

I think you are doing really well to be keeping up appearances that you're 'fine' and going to work. I remember portraying the same 'I'm fine' outlook when I clearly wasn't.

You really must take a minute for yourself and get help and support around you. Do you have family or friends you can confide in about how you are feeling? Perhaps your workload is too much at the moment especially if you are depressed? Do you have an Occupational Health department for advice?

I think I've written on your previous threads some years ago about my PP and the very deep depression which followed. Everything is such an effort so I think it would be a good idea to have a review with your GP and ask him what help he can give you. My depression after PP lasted for over a year. I'm not sure whether what you describe is postnatal or 'normal' depression but either way it must be very draining for you.

I'm really glad you reached out to the forum as we do understand how difficult some days can be. I know we all have commitments but you really should try to take a break and talk about your feelings openly instead of suffering in silence. We are all here to talk but I think you are coping with so much and might need professional support if you have been having such thoughts for a while. Stay safe and take good care.

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Hi Daninicole,

Thanks for talking to us so openly and honestly here. Recovery from PP is really hard sometimes isn't it, and as you (& others here) have also described, there are days when it can be really tough. I count myself as really lucky as although I definitely took time to become myself again and recover, I didn't experience a depression after my initial psychosis. At least, it's not something that was ever in my consciousness, although I felt like a shell of myself for some time and the confidence and rebuilding of everything (plus the added factor of a baby and a new role as Mum) was something that took time for me.

I hope you have been able to speak to someone close to you and open up about how you have been feeling. It's often a weight off your shoulders to feel that you are not alone, and hopefully writing here too has helped.

Perhaps talking to your GP or other health professional could also help - if you are on any medication it could be that a review of this might be beneficial and help you at this time.

Take care and please feel free to offload and write to us here too if it helps. Thinking of you, xx

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Hi there! I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. I feel recovery depends on many things but also on acceptance. You already know you are feeling low and that you are struggling a bit. Go get help. Ring your dr. Depression is an illness and therefore there are meds out there that would help while you are waiting for it to go away. If you are struggling at work take some time off to look after yourself and your little one. This is just a small phase compared to the rest of your life...that was what someone said to me when i thought i d never get better. I ve been well now for 11 years but i take lithium n for more than I hate taking meds it has definitely given me my life back. Good luck x

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Dear Daninicole

I am so sorry that you are still suffering so badly with depression.

My daughter had her little boy in 2013. She too had a rollercoaster ride with severe bouts of depression and mild episodes of psychosis for almost 5 years following his birth. With a lot of support from both professionals and family, the right medication, a combination of lithium and olanzapine was eventually found. This stabilised her and for the last 9 months her life has dramatically changed and her happiness restored.

Please speak to your GP or another health professional. The right help, or a change in medication can turn things around. Life should not be such a struggle for you.

Sending you a virtual hug. Please take good care of yourself.

xx

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Dear Danincole

Firstly you have done exceptionally well so far . That’s s huge achievement .

It’s very common for the recovery period to have ups and downs owing to the huge stresses you went through . The actual illness, the medications, the fesrs, the lack of confidence , the “What Ifs” the concerns st being judged by family and friends workmates etc.

Add it together and some might like me say it’s like having for a long while after “

“Post traumatic Stress disorder”that can come and go, for quite some time!

As your other replies from ladies say,please do contact your GP or health professional and let them know .

Thoughts can be scary but they don’t mean you would act on them . Accept they are thoughts from an anxious mind. Years later I have a few scary thoughts too but am healed and happy.

I admire very much your honesty and sincerity. Don’t be afraid to say to your boss you’d like a shirt health break to

Get back on track !

Take care and please be optimistic things will improve soon

Denise x

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Hi Daninicole,

Hope you are feeling better today. I was also diagnosed recently with pp and depression followed. The memories still feel very raw and recent. You are very admirable to cope with work on top of new baby and massive illness. Like it has been mentioned in the posts already it can be an idea to take a short break, if you can, gather some minimum and do some kindness to yourself. Can you access professional help? It's important they are aware of your thoughts so they can help you in the best possible way. Keep safe, thinking of you.

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Hello Daninicole,

'Wonderful Woman' yourself. My daughter too suffered PP in 2016. I am so sorry that you are suffering. PP is such a shock and trauma, it can take a while to recover fully, as you said you have made so much progress, you have done so well and come so far. You have had some lovely replies and strategies from the other brave Mums on the forum, as they say you will get to feel better again. Do go to your doctor tell them how you feel they are there to help.

Thinking of you.

As another Mother/Grandmother, joining 4mila, if I may, in sending a virtual hug.

Judith xx

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Hello Daninicole,

I was hiding my feelings inside for such a long time and like you have had moments where I felt so absolutely devastated. PPP is such a traumatising illness and it drags family members and friends often into that tumour. One just feels so much burden and guilt.

There were times where I cycled a lot in order to release the pain and or just run off and walked for miles. I needed physical pain in order to release the emotional pain.

I watched a you tube section on the APPsite made by an artist, who has had PPP twice and suffers from another mental health illness. (Sanchita/Choni Islam). When so poorly, suicidal thoughts can come into your mind...it is so important not to be on your own or run off when off balance as Sanchita said.

Recovery is personal, unique and everybody is surrounded by pre-conditional circumstances. However, it helps to talk, create a mind map for yourself in order to work towards a toolkit. A support network helps...

Now I know that my continuous frustration, Insomnia and other symptoms are part of my lows of BP1. Reiki, Meditation, Yoga, volunteering, but often taking time out is my way forward. I actually love life and am happy...when down, I am coping less well with my triggers.

Tuning into your inner self and creating me-time is so essential for recovery...

Sending you love and kindness,

x

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Hello Daninicole

I hope the replies here were helpful and you have support around you. It must be very difficult for you so please take good care of yourself. We are all here to lean on.

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Hi Daninicole

I do hope you’ve been feeling a bit better these last few days and were able to talk to someone about how you’ve been feeling.

Take care.

Jenny x

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