Need someone to talk to

Hi guys. Im having a really bad day. I got images of hurting my son today. I lost my appetite today bc of these thoughts. Im sick of this. Why would i get thoughts of hurting someone i love so much. Its killing me inside. Im scared. Ive been crying. My mind is pmaying tricks on me. I just want to die. Please help me.

80 Replies

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  • Oh huni I feel for you

    Can you not see a councillor? Get a gp appt asap and tell them how you feel, nothing will happen to him whilst you feeli like this

    How old Is he?

  • He just turned 2. I know i will never hurt him or anybody but the thoughts are awful. I see my gp on tuesday. I havent seen him since november bc my health insurance was turned off and i finally got it turned back on. Im thinking of asking for a higher dose on my medication. I also need to make an appointment to see my therapist. She diagnosed me with ppp

  • Hi ashley I'm so sorry you're still struggling today with these horrible thoughts. They aren't you, it's the illness. I really hope your doctor appointment helps and I hope you're able to get regular meetings with you therapist.

    You're not alone and you are going to get better x

  • Hi ellie,

    I feel like ill never get better. I feel like a horrible evil person. My head is spinning and it wont stop. Im so scared. The images i get are ao bad and they keep replaying. Why hasnt the medication helped me? Will it ever?

  • Sorry to hear things are still so bad. In the usa can you just go to hospital to get help? Im glad you finally get to see your gp. Look after yourself. Keep doing things to distract your thoughts...talking to someone, listening to calming music, getting out for a walk, getting to the nearest park to play, playing kids cartoons. Ignore negative stuff like the news. Keep on the medicine, dont stop it.

  • Hi suzannah0,

    There is a hospital that i could go to for help but i dont want to be away from my child. I want to be with him everyday. The good thing is i see the doctor tues. I know he will help me.

    Talk to you soon

  • I understand. I hated being away from my child but my husband could look after him. For me i found hospital was the only way to break the cycle of terrible thoughts, by getting sleep. If you choose to go in, rather than being sanctioned, you get a lots more leave rights...i was mostly in just at nights and home during the day with my son. It was a horrible experience, but the shortest way longterm to make sure i got the right medicines to break the thought cycle. Everyone is unwell in hospital, so i found i had to find a good nurse to talk too, just to try and make myself well again.

  • I am really glad you can see your gp. For me, the first time i got psychosis, it was the gp who really helped me. Im back with her again for this pregnancy.

  • Hi suzannah0,

    How far along are you?

  • 29 weeks

  • These are intrusive thoughts only and a symptom of this awful illness. you'd never hurt your child. Someone described them to me as the mothering instinct going into overdrive where you see harm coming to your child from the unlikeliest sources.

    Due to the nature of the thought you dwell on them even more so they spiral but honestly they are just thoughts.

    Definately get medical advice. Cognitive behavioural therapy can be really effective in helping you combat and control these thoughts.

    You will recover from these thoughts. Try distraction techniques - wearing an elastic band and flicking it when a thought pops into your head or clapping and saying 'stop' aloud!

  • Hi rocky77,

    I do dwell on my thoughts. I try hard to distract myself but sometimes its hard.the thoughts are so loud. I actually have screamed stop when they are really bad. I just want it to go all away.

  • May you be well, may you be happy...sending you out my positive thoughts...you are not on your own and everybody who has responded to you, gave you some great advise, which I can only support.

    Big hug, Sabine :-)

  • Hi jasa,

    Thank you for your support.

  • Hello Ashley

    I'm glad you will be seeing your doctor on Tuesday who will be able to help you. Hopefully all the shared experiences here have been a comfort.

    Take care.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    The support on here has been helping me a lot. Im happy im not alone. When i feel the worse i come on here and u guys make me feel better. This forum has helped me through my toughest days. I will keep you updated on my doctors appointment.

  • Hello Ashley

    You're definitely not alone and I'm glad the support here has helped you through your toughest days. I'm just sorry that you have waited so long to see your doctor and had to struggle so much. Hopefully Tuesday will be a good day ......

    Take care, we are all here to lean on.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Yea tuesday is a day that i have been waiting for a long time now. Im goin to let my doctor know that i have more bad days then good days. Im hoping he ups my dosage. I think that will help me. Talk to you soon.

  • Hello from Spain, please consider a short stay at the hospital not as a failure, but as a way of ending this extremely painful vicious circle... Some hours to relax and unwind will not do any harm to your beautiful bond with your child, but rather give you some oxygen to restore yourself and cope with the next stage... Please centre your energies on putting a stop to exhaustion and overwork and delegate on whomever you can to concéntrate lovingly on yourself. You are your child's reference and your sanity is primordial, put everything in the perspective of loving yourself 200% because that's the most altruistic and beautiful legacy your son will inherit :))). You are in my heart's prayers !

  • Hi Ashley,

    Thanks for your post. It's very brave of you to share your troubling thoughts. And we're glad to be of some help.

    You've been given lots of helpful advice and are i think youre already taking good steps towards getting better with doctors appointment etc.

    So keep on doing what you're doing, distracting yourself when you need to and believe me you will get better, even if it means a short hospital stay this was the start of getting better for me.

    All the best for tomorrow,

    Amy

  • Hi ashley I'm really hope your doctors appointment tomorrow is helpful, do let us know. Are you able to keep a diary of your moods to show how much you have been struggling, and maybe bring a member of your family or a friend with you who can also advocate on your behalf? You are going to get better. Sometimes it is a case of just getting the right medication and dose, hopefully your doctor can advise you on that.

    You aren't alone, take care, and it's so good to hear that this forum helps you x

  • I really feel for you, and trust me I know exactly how you feel but remember they are just THOUGHTS, not you.

  • How are you today, Ashley031?

    Thinking of you.

    Sabine :-)

  • Hi guys,

    Today at work was awful. I kept getting bad thoughts and images. I keep telling myself that it is just thoughts and i would never act on them. I dont understand these thoughts. Am i evil? Am i really a bad person? Do i belong locked away in a hospital? When i first started this medication in october i noticed an improvement but now i feel like the meds arent working anymore. Im back where i was a year ago. I will give you guys an update when i see my doctor tomorrow. Thanks for supporting me. Im glad i found you guys.

  • Hello Ashley

    Sorry to hear you had an awful day. You're not evil, it's just your illness. Perhaps when you see your doctor he will be able to update your medication tomorrow. Try not to worry, with the right treatment you will be well again.

    Take care.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    My biggest fear is not getting better. Im afraid ill be like this forever.

  • Hello Ashley

    You honestly will get better, just having the right medication will make a difference.

    All the best for tomorrow.

  • Thank you lilybeth. I will keep you updated

  • It won't be like this forever. You have to retrain your thought processes and with that understanding and believing these thoughts are not you! They are a symptom of a cruel illness. Definately talk to your dr about the meds if they're not working. Good luck for today x

  • Hello Ashley,

    you will be fine. You are doing exceptionally well. Wishing you a good appointment at the doctor. It is very important to open up and be honest.

    I was pretty poorly. Once I was released from hospital...my partner and I were working closely together with a wonderful Psychiatrist. My partner had to look after me as a full time carer and it was quite a strict regime taking all the meds in order to get better. A lot of professionals such as a care co-ordinator, GP, support worker and as mentioned before my Psychatrist were involved. Communication amongst everybody involved was of great importance. My partner and his family were part of my support network and obviously looking after and caring for my baby.

    Love and kindness, a care plan and a routine helped me to be weaned off from Halloperidol, Lorazepam, Quetiapine & Risperidone from August 2010-Summer 2011.

    Ashley I recovered, even though the head of the hospital wanted to section me from level 2-3. I was like a vegetable for 6 months, but slowly got back onto my feet. I managed to drive again in February 2011 and was able to look after my baby by then.

    PPP affects us all differently and our path various depending on our needs.

    I lead a happy and fulfilled life now...my son is 6 years, he is my little man...

    Stay positive and enjoy the little moments.

    Sabine :-)

  • Get help ASAP

  • Hi pumpkins,

    Im actually seeing my doctor in a half hour. I know he will help me

  • Thank god! they may restart meds hopefully cut in as these sound like early warning signs - did your CMHT ever go through a relapse drill

  • Hi pumpkins,

    Im not sure what a relapse drill is.

  • Hey guys,

    So my doctor is trying me on a different medication. The one i was on made me gain 10 pounds and i wasnt happy with it. The one im on now is 50mg abd um hoping it helps me. I see him again in a month. I also see my therapist next wed. Thanks for your support guys. You have helped me get through these past 3 days.

  • How did it go with the gp?

  • Hi suzannah0,

    He put me on a new medicine called quetapine. Its 50 mg. Im scares it wo t work

  • Hi Ashley, glad you had a Drs appointment and have stayed safe these past few days- it sounds like it's been a real tough week or so for you. I hope the new meds will start to help you feel a difference soon. Take care, we're all thinking of you and wishing you well. You can do this! Xx

  • Hi hannah,

    I havent been good. My head keeps spinning out of control. I keep getting images if hurting people i love. Its like an urge. Im scared. I want to be better. Sometimes i want to just die

  • When did you start this medication, has it kicked in yet? It will do soon

  • Hi pumpkins,

    I started the medication last night

  • How long did they say It would take to kick in?

  • Could be 4 weeks unfortunately

  • Hello Ashley

    I don't think I took Quetiapine as my PP episodes were so long ago and I only have notes but there will be other mums here to support you about how long it took to take effect. It's good that you are seeing a therapist next Wednesday so he / she might be able to suggest coping strategies for your thoughts.

    Take care, it's not easy but you will eventually be well. Stay positive and strong. We are all here for you. xx

  • Hi Ashley

    That's great your doctor obviously listened to you and has given you new medicine. I hope that it takes effect soon.

    I just saw this article on Huffington Post and thought you might be interested to read it, and know you're not alone

    huffingtonpost.com/entry/in...

    Thinking of you X

  • Hi guys,

    I found out some information today. The hospital i gave birth at has something for women suffering from post partum psychosis. They will evaluate me. Im going to call them. This is an answered prayer. I always thought i would end up in a hospital that i am scared of but knowing they have something at the hospital i gave birth at is the greatest news. I just wAnted to let you guys know. Talk to you soon.

  • You need sleep - ask your doctor for some sleeping pills, but ask your partner to remind you

    when to take them at night. Having a sleep disorder, I know your mind can go into over spin

    with negative thoughts. Part of the pattern of having a child is the worry factor, which increases

    with broken night's sleep. You might need a change of medication - amytriptoline - may be an older better medication than Prozac . Having a post natal thyroid condition, which was not diagnosed

    along with a kidney infection, I know how rotten you feel - but your health visitor or

    doctor may be able to help you. Don't delay - Get well - and ask for help with housework

    ,washing etc -

  • Hi gadgrantg,

    The pills that my doctir prescribed me does help me sleep. I was on amytriptoline but i recently got off it bc it was not helping me

  • Hope medication helps - you must be quite stressed with work, and all the other factors in your

    life which can upset you. Bi polar disorder can occur with thyroid disease but many GPs are not aware of this. They will ignore the endocrine balance rather than treat your underlying thyroid

    condition. My daughter was extremely ill after her first child. She happened to meet an endocrine

    specialist in hospital who found her thyroid had gone overactive. It now is slow and she has

    thyroxin tablets. I do hope you find an endocrine specialist who will take your thyroid tests

    in full. The dootors often do a minimal test, which will not give accurate results.

    Take care. gadgrant.

  • Hi gadgrant,

    Im very stressed out and work doesnt help. I get very angry a lot especially at work. Not only am i suffering from this illness but i have depression and severe anxiety. I wish i could be happy again. My doctor hasnt mentioned anything about my thyroid but i am going for some blood work bc im tired all the time. I hope i see some improvements with this new medication im on. Talk to you soon.

  • a short fuse is common when you are overstressed - you have to work out what the trigger point is that sets you off. Is it your boss? Is it the workload? Is it other staff? Is it the job you aren't happy in? It has taken me years not to overreact

    to comments even though they might annoy me an make me rise to the bait.

    The straight face is the poker hand that most people will fox those who might want to provoke you intentionally or not. You sound better since you posted your difficulties which are shared by millions over the world.

    Take care. Gadgrant.

  • Hi gadgrant,

    Everything about my job stresses me out. Sometimes its my boss and sometimes its just the work i do. I go there unhappy. Sometimes i just want to walk out of the job but i know i cant. I work in a supermarket so i also deal with customers who can be rude. I use to be on klonopin for anxiety and that helped me so much. I wish i could get back on it but my doctor doesnt want me to. He thinks its to addicting but i never abused it. I always took what i was suppose 2. Sometimes i feel like doctors dont understand. Talk to you soon.

  • AS you are a youg mother you can get help with the government to increase your skill levels so you can work in a different job -

    ideas range from hairdressing secretarial work, shop work gardening

    advisor in nurseries and sales, beauty onsultant in store for cosmetics. Avon sales rep - catalogue agent for making orders

    for people. Home chiropy or working in clinc - bookkeeping such as sage -. You get financial aid to do these course. - go to your local

    college, they may have anything from cake iicing to cake making-

    You can do accountancy courses on line or correspondence -

    Access course online and open university courses - and others

    may be linked to government schmes. Secretarial work gives

    many outlets in solicitors offices, and every other businesss loally.

    Have al look at schmes available to you through government

    sites or through your cizens advice bureau.

    Take care -

  • Hi gadgrantg,

    I was thinking of going back to school for medical assistant. I always wanted to work in the medical field. I know that will make me happy. Talk to you soon

  • That sounds brill - hope you make a positive decision which will get you out of the rut.

  • That's great looking forward to hearing how you are getting on - have been playing with my grand daughter

    aged two - she loves happy clicks games for toddlers free - I find I get good quality time with her with this website. Hope your toddler isn't running you ragged - boys are always worse than girls!

  • Hi gadgrantg,

    My son has reached his terrible twos. We are having a birthday party for him tomarrow. Verk excited about it! Is she your only grandchild? My parents love being grandparents. They say my son added 10 years to their lives. Hes quite a handful but hes my pride and joy. Talk to you soon!

  • I've got six grandchildren - they are all brill -

    I'm so lucky! You sound excited about party -

    hope you all have a wonderful celebration -

    speak soon. Gadgrant

  • Saw a medical assistant at surgery the other day - she was great. Hope you feel better now.

  • Hi gadgrantg,

    Im doing ok. The medical assistant program i want to get into is 1300 and you have to pay upfront so i might have to wait to get in. Ive been very tired lately and have no energy. My body always aches and somedays i dont want to get out of bed. Idk if its the medication or what but i feel like a zombie. Im goin to have to tell my doctor. I see a little differencd in this medication so i dont want to get off it. Talk to you soon.

  • Have you had your thyroid checked? It might be

    hypo as you are so tired. It can happen post partum over two years - doctors don't ask for

    thyroid tests so if you can ask to have an appointment with an endocrine specialist at NHS hospital, it will be worthwhile.

    I know the lethargy and slowness that can occur after taking prescribed drugs - but these still may

    cover an underlying thyroid condition. Do you have a teaching hospital in your area, as they are usually more up to date? It takes three visits to a GP until they will investigate your complaint.

    Sometimes they cut down on the range of tests they do so you have to fight for the full range of tests. If you find there is a long waiting list for

    endocrine specialist - going privately is your right under the NHS. The consultation fee, is well worthwhile, as you can be referred back to the NHS with the correct medication for your problem.

    I think you have a lot going on with the family at the moment -so when you feel better you can

    follow your pathway to a new career.

    You have to be referred to the correct department or you may end up with a general physician who may not provide you with the detailed info you require. I suggest you contact an administrator on

    the website and discuss your symptoms. I had x rays, but they did not show I had an enlarged goitre. It was only four years ago, I had ultrasound

    and the goitre was detected as the size of a golf ball! However thyrotoxicosis was shown in earlier

    notes - but was never followed up under the NHS.

    Take care.

  • Hi gadgrantg,

    I had my thyroid check a few years ago. It was fine but i will bring it up to my doctor. I think i have a lot of issues. I keep getting light headed to the point where i feel like im going to pass out. Idk if its the meds or anxiety but im suffering bad and its scary. I keep thinking something bad is wrong with me. This post partum psychosis, depression, and anxiety has really kicked my butt. My therapist told me that i should see a psychiatrist. She said they will put me on the right meds. All i want is to be normal again and feel normal. Talk to you soon.

  • May be you should talk to a neuropsychiatrist - these symptoms of light headedness and dizzy spells may be related to hormone imbalance,

    blood pressure, or anxiety attacks. As I have menieres syndrome I get the hellish giddies

    with inner ear imbalance. A good test is to stand

    on one leg to see if you wobble over. Do this

    with the other leg and you might find your balance

    is poor. I take stemetil for this as it calms the nerve

    in the ear, but it also is used for travel sickness and anxiety. If you get palpitations with the giddiness, mention it to your doctor -

    I do hope your meds are sorted out - you need

    a calm environment without too much stimuli - calm music helps rather than noisy pop or bad TV News. Speak to you soon when you have seen

    the doctor and others.

  • Glad to hear your gp helped. One of my housemates was on about that much quetiapine, she never saw that it helped straight away but we did after about two days of her taking it. She often started to get good sleep 4-6 days after taking, regular sleep etc after 2-4 weeks. She was always able to go to work after four weeks. Good to hear you have a backup with hospital if you need it, sounds like your gps pretty confident you may not need it though...sounds like you have a lot of insight which is a great thing. Just keep up taking the medicine and trust it will work xx

  • Hi suzannah,

    Do you know what milligram she was on?

  • Varied but usually about 50 mg from memory

  • Hi suzannah0,

    Thats what my dkctor started me off on. He said i could actually take 2 pills so i be on 100mg but i wanted to start off slow first.

  • Hello Ashley

    I hope the new medication is making a difference and you were able to have fun at your son's party. Perhaps as you mentioned, studying to be a medical assistant might be helpful to distract you from the thoughts you have at times.

    Take care.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    My sons party was a lit of fun. I do see some difference in the medication but its making me feel like a zombie. I dont know what to do but i cant go on feeling this way. I dont even want to get up in the morning. Im going to have to tell the doctor. Talk to you soon

  • Thanks for taking the time to reply Ashley. It must be a struggle for you with the new medication. Sometimes a slight adjustment in the dose might be better so your doctor should be able to help you.

    What a great mum you are giving your son a fun party even though you're not feeling well.

    Take care

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Im starting to break out in rashes now. I have them in the back of my legs and my neck. I just saw the one on my neck and i worked myself into a panic attack. The last antipsychotic medication i was on did the same thing. God somedays i could just give up. I saw my therapist today and was able to get a lot out. She thinks i should see a psychiatrist bc they will know exactly what medicine to put me on. I also need something for my anxiety bc its just getting worse. Hope to talk soon.

  • Hi Ashley 031

    What meds are you on? I had an experiences with itchy skin, in any case how are you?

  • Hi pumpkins,

    Im on quetiapine. I was on olanzapine and i broke out in rashes 2. Im not doing good. Im very stressed out. I thinki might need a leave of absence from work.

  • Hello Ashley

    I'm sorry to hear you have noticed rashes breaking out. As your therapist suggested, it would be a good idea if you could see a psychiatrist just to talk about which medication will help. Perhaps he will also be able to give you coping strategies for your anxiety if you think it's getting worse. Anxiety is awful so I hope you can have help soon.

    Take care, we are all here for you. With the right medical support you will start to feel better ... just stay safe and positive.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    I called my doctors office yesterday and the on call doctor suggested i stop taking the medication. I dont feel comfortable not taking it. I rather talk to my actual doctor. The rashes arent bad and im not having trouble breathing or anything like that. Its just always something. I can never catch a break. Im hoping when i call the psychiatrist 2morrow that i can get an appointment this week. Talk to you soon.

  • Hello Ashley

    I hope you will be able to get an apponitment with the psychiatrist to sort your medication out. It's very hard coping with an illness, work and routine so you are doing really well.

    Take care.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    I called the psychiatrist today and they just need a referral from my doctor. I see my doctor 2morrow so he will be able to give me one. Im also taking sometime off from work. I need to put myself first for once. I need to get on the right medication and be ok before i return to work. Talk to you soon.

  • Hello Ashley

    I hope you can see your doctor for a referral so that you can have medication that suits you. I think it will be a good idea for you to have a break from work. Take care.

  • Hi Ashley

    Sorry I'm replying a few days late. I'm so sorry you've had this horrible side effect of rashes from the meds.

    I do hope you're able to get a doctors appointment / referral soon, and can see your psychiatrist, who I really hope can help you. It definitely seems wise to keep taking the meds until you get proper advice from the psychiatrist.

    I'm so sorry you're suffering this way, after everything you've been through as well...

    Take care X

  • Hello Ashley031

    I hope your doctor referred you to the psychiatrist and you are now on the right medication. Did you manage to have a break from work? Take good care of yourself.

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