Action on Postpartum Psychosis
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Struggling

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So I’m a week past my near fatal overdose and if I’m honest I’m struggling on without any support. The crisis team came to see me last Friday and said they couldn’t help me so discharged me back to my community mental health team. But they’ve been useless, they rang me on Tuesday for a 5 minute conversation and that’s it. No one has been out to see me and I’m just existing. I wake up every day with no energy, no motivation, no desire to do anything. I have mostly spent the week in bed.

Is it wrong to expect more from the community mental health team? I nearly died and yet no one wants to help me. Can’t they see I’m at rock bottom right now?

I miss my babies so much it hurts, I haven’t seen them for 7 weeks and it’s destroying me. I have no reason to get up and live. I am literally opening my eyes for 12 hours waiting to take my night meds so I can go back to sleep.

I feel really let down by the nhs, they locked me up in a hospital for 9 months then just threw me out with no support at all. xx

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Hi kats

I’m so sorry that you are struggling so much and haven’t been offered much support. That is so hard.

Are you able to plan your days a bit, perhaps find non NHS mental health services to link in with in your local area, such as mind, or others who may be able to give you some support?

Do keep reaching out to family and any services too. You can come through this, but with small steps.

Take care, we are all thinking of you

Ellie

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Thanks Ellie.

I am really struggling to even find the motivation to get out of bed. I’m trying my hardest but I just want to stay in bed all day and not face the world.

I’ve looked at Mind in this area but the website won’t work, so I don’t know if they offer anything. To be honest even if they did I don’t know if i’d go, I’m too depressed to even brush my hair, or put make up on, or get dressed.

I should be grateful my aripiprazole injection is working and I’m no longer psychotic but if I’m honest I miss the highs I used to get before the psychosis kicked in. Now I just feel so low.

I’m seeing my counsellor for the first time in 4 years on Tuesday. I hope she doesn’t judge me for putting on 6 stone thanks to the olanzapine xx

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Hi Kats . You are certainly going through very difficult turbulent emotions and it’s clear how you are struggling . A while ago you mentioned that DBT was suggested to help you and you felt it wasn’t appropriate . I know there are some amazing and helpful things within the course which can truly help to cope with the distress you go through . Would it worth having another discussion with the MHT ?

Keep in contact with your family ., is it helpful to talk things over with your Dad?

In the meantime be kind to yourself . These difficult days will pass . Take care

Denizt x

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I am not doing DBT. I did it in hospital for 13 weeks and I found it a total waste of my time. I don’t have EUPD and it felt that it was very much aimed at those who self harm and are impulsive, which isn’t me (unless I’m psychotic in which case I’m very impulsive). I tend to plan things and I don’t self harm. The distress tolerance skills we “learnt” such as dipping your head in ice cold water just didn’t do anything for me.

There’s a waiting list for it too and I’m looking for a new job to get me out of the house so I can’t commit to any time to do dbt. Also you have to go to group therapy as well, and I have really crippling social anxiety so it’s not an option.

I’m thinking of taking out a loan and having gastric bypass surgery done, I know losing all this olanzapine weight would be really beneficial to my mood.

My dad is great, and I speak to him like twice a day, but there’s only so much he can do. Xx

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You can do exercise ect or switch meds when you feeling better

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Hi Kats

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling and not feeling supported. Has your medication been reviewed recently, could you discuss with your GP or psychiatrist how very low you’re feeling?

I do hope the appointment with your old counsellor on Tuesday helps and I’m glad you’ve got your dad looking out for you.

Keep reaching out, I’m sure the right support is out there and hope you can find something that’s going to help and give you hope to keep moving forward.

Thinking of you,

Jenny x

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Yeah they took me off my lithium due to the overdose risk. I’m seeing my psychiatrist on 25th and I’m going to beg to go back on it because it was really helping me. I was meant to see him within 4 weeks of being discharged according to the policy but that hasn’t happened. Again another let down.

My care coordinator came out today but came 5 mins before my social worker was due to arrive so only stayed for 5 mins and acted all disappointed, but she said on Friday she’d text me with what time she was coming but never did.

I still haven’t seen my babies and I miss them so much 😔 xx

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Hi Kats

That’s good you have an appointment with your psychiatrist quite soon and can discuss medication. That’s a shame about today, I always found people never came at the right time even when a time had been arranged - I guess it’s difficult when out visiting.

Good luck with the counsellor tomorrow, I hope that goes well and is the start of some positive support.

Jenny xx

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The counsellor went ok, it was good to get everything off my chest.

I’m meant to be going to a contact centre tomorrow for a pre meeting as I have agreed to go ONCE, but the social worker won’t put that in writing so I won’t be going. I know their plan is to get me in the contact centre and then continue to make me go for weeks and I’m just not prepared to do that.

Today I am staying in bed. I have no reason to get up. I hate this depression, I hate not having my babies and I hate social services with everything I have. X

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Hi Kats88, it's good to hear that you were able to talk to your counsellor. I'm sorry to hear that the depression is so tough, and missing your children must be so hard. I know how hard it is to recover from PP, but you can get there, and we are all thinking of you, wishing you the best. It's know it's hard, but I hope you can trust the professionals and continue to accept support from them to help with your recovery. Take care, xx

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I’ve text my social worker telling her never to contact me again. I don’t want to hear it, I’m not going to a contact centre to see my kids and that’s my final decision. I will not be blackmailed by social services who are using my children as a weapon. It’s just not happening, I will not put my children through it. So it looks like I’m going to have to wait until they are grown up and come looking for me until I see them again.

I am absolutely heartbroken but I will not put them in a contact centre full of drug addicts and alcoholics. I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, so I’m not doing it. I went to see the contact centre and was absolutely appalled at the state of it. There was mould growing on the toys and a dirty nappy left open in one of the rooms.

I feel that I have lost everything I had to live for. I don’t see how I can move on. I am so angry yet so upset at the same time. No one understands what it’s like to be told you’re a shit mum and you can’t see your own children unless it’s at a contact centre supervised by not only the contact centre staff but social services too. No one understands what it’s like to be taken away from your children and locked up for 9 months. No one understands what it’s like to have the love of your life walk out on you for a cheap tacky childminder, who only wanted a quick shag. No one understands what it’s like to face the world every day having lost your dog, your rabbits, your children and your husband all at once. I mean he even took my car. No one understands (except you ladies) what’s it’s like to battle psychosis and to establish what is real and what isn’t. No one understands the fear that runs through your body when you see a spider and suddenly think “shit is this real or am I psychotic again”. No one understands the battle against pnd, although now it’s just depression, and the urge to kill myself. No one understands how hard it is to keep going every day, and the monumental effort it takes to simply get out of bed.

I’m at a total loss. I’ve pushed all my friends away and I’m absolutely rubbish company anyway. I’ve had to cut my mum out of my life because she has welcomed my ex husband into her home to stay and the social worker said “J really gets on with F&A though!” Well he hated them whilst we were together. I don’t want my mum anywhere near my children but I have no option, my ex husband deliberately takes them there to hurt me. My estranged sisters see them more than I do.

It has broken me. The whole situation has left me a shell of the person I once was. I wish i’d Never had my daughter, I wish I could turn back time and stick with one child. I would have never have got PP and I would still be happy. I can never recover from this, PP has ruined my life. X

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Hi kats

You have been through so much, it is very sad to read your post.

I know its hard to believe but there really is always hope. There is always new beginnings, and recovery. Its good you talked with your counsellor, I hope that helps you.

Do try to accept any support and contact from professionals and family, and perhaps you can look for other places and organisations (such as mental health peer support organisations) where you can get support and build relationships with people can really understand? I know you said you connected with some other patients when in hospital.

We are all thinking of you

Ellie x

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Hi Kats

I'm so sorry to read about how difficult everything has been for you, just remember that we are all thinking and caring about you. You mentioned that you had rabbits and a dog and that you're sad that you no longer have them . I know too that animals can be hugely comforting , loyal and non judgmental, giving love and affection and not expecting very much from us in return . In my darkest moments my beloved cat has been the only one I wanted to be around and I have always had some element of leisure being with her when all else looks so dark and hopeless.... it may be impractical for you to have a pet but there may be some organisations in your area that you could approach about some voluntary work ? Like an animal sanctuary or small farm ?

Have a think about it , I'd love to know about it if it's something you like the sound of ?

Lots of warm wishes and strength coming your way

your way Kats - Jas xx

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It’s not impractical for me to have a pet, and everyone keeps suggesting a rescue a dog but I don’t want to because I have a really lovely pedigree golden retriever that my ex took, and I want him back. I’m going to have to fight for him too, which is a pain as I’ve got to go back 4.5yrs worth of bank statements to prove that I paid for him and so he is mine.

I really think having him back would help me, because i’d Be forced to take him for a walk every day and get up every morning to feed him. Whereas at the moment I can go days without even getting dressed or having a shower.

I’m also now suffering from insomnia and that is an absolute nightmare because all I want to do is sleep as I’m so tired, but I just can’t switch off.

Tomorrow I am being arrested for assaulting a police officer. It was when I had taken the overdose and was refusing to go into hospital. The amount of tablets I took and the type of tablets they were meant that my entire memory of that day has been wiped out, and the next 2 days too. I literally don’t remember a thing except my dad buying me a bottle of Fanta! That’s it, nothing else. Apparently I tried to bite this officer but according to my mh nurse I didn’t leave a mark and she thinks it’s ridiculous that I’m being done for it. I’m mortified, I was in crisis, I had taken a whacking great overdose, I had no capacity, I was completely out of it. But they’re still arresting me for it. I hope they just do no further action but I’m terrified to be honest. The last thing I need right now is a criminal record.

My depot is also wearing off and I forgot to put in my prescription for aripiprazole so I’m struggling with that again. I keep seeing spiders out the corner of my eye and I swear I can feel bugs crawling across my skin. It’s due again on Thursday and takes 2 days to work so only a week more of this to go.

I don’t think I have any quality of life. I also think my anorexia is coming back, I haven’t eaten in days and I feel almost scared of eating and putting on more weight. I’m trying to exercise but I’ve really hurt my knee so that’s put the brakes on that for the time being. I don’t even remember the last time I had a proper meal.

Everything is so shitty. I just want to cuddle my kids 😢 x

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Hi kats

Things are so difficult right now. Can you speak to your mental health team about your prescription to get it as soon as possible? Try to open up to them about all your symptoms.

When I was really struggling I tried to take small steps like having a shower every day or small plans of what to eat. Perhaps just set a small goal for yourself each day, like having a meal, or a shower.

The suggestion of doing some kind of volunteering when you feel able to could be a good idea too.

Take care kats we are thinking of you

Ellie

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I can’t tell my mh team about the bugs and spiders because if I do they’ll tell social services who will say I’m unstable and i’ll be back to square 1 again with my children. I’ve been stable for nearly 3 weeks now and every day being stable is a day closer to seeing my babies again. I should have remembered the prescription but because it’s only for 1 week per month it’s hard to keep on top of.

Eating is becoming a real issue. I have deliberately not been to Tesco so I’m not tempted by food, and now I don’t even know if I can eat, I feel like if I eat anything I’m going to put weight on again.

I’ve been up all night 😩 I’m so so tired but am too worried about being arrested that I just can’t switch off. X

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Hi kats

I hope you can get your meds sorted soon. Perhaps set a reminder on your phone for the coming months. If you don’t feel safe try not to be on your own.

I hope you can rest today and I hope you can manage to eat something, do try to do those small things to look after yourself. Do try to open up to professionals about how you’re feeling, so they can support you.

Take care

Ellie

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I’m going to have to ring my gp tomorrow and ask them to do it. I don’t want to make out I need it badly though because I’m trying to prove that I’m stable so I can see my babies again. Next month i’ll definitely set a reminder so I don’t have to go through this again. I do feel safe ish, my dad wants me to go over to his today but to be honest I just want to be on my own. I want to get this police interview out the way and stay in bed.

I’m going to make myself have a shower today but I don’t think i’ll eat, I feel sick with nerves about the interview anyway. It’s such lovely weather and all I can think about is what my babies might be doing and if they miss me, I miss them terribly. I just can’t believe I’m in this situation, I’m only 29, I’m getting divorced, I have lost my children to my evil cheating lying ex husband, my house is a state and so am I but I just don’t care. I’ve put on 6 stone from the meds and I’ve never been so fat before. Every time I look in the mirror I am disgusted with what I see. How can I expect anyone else to love me when I don’t even love myself? The lithium has also given me an under active thyroid which makes losing weight even harder despite taking levothyroxine and the extra weight has given me diabetes which is supposed to be diet controlled. My life is just one big mess and I absolutely hate it. I don’t even know why I’m still fighting because I feel so hopeless. X

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How old is ur youngest ? Could you get a place in a mother and baby unit. Apply for council place. Things change in life. I know it must be hard. I remember when I was in and out of hospital , i have bi polar 1 , sectioned , alone , only daughter kept my mum. Things get better. Try work with social workers and focus on urself. If you well they can't say anything

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My youngest is 2 now so I can’t go to an MBU. I don’t need a council place as I’m very fortunate to own my own home and can afford to buy my ex out, so providing he agrees to it, which he’s not at the moment, then I will have my Home still. I can’t work with the social worker, she is a compulsive liar and wants to do everything she can to separate me and my babies. She disgusts me, her behaviour is appalling.

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Hi kats

You are doing so well to keep fighting when things are so hard.

It’s good that you are going to the GP tomorrow.

I know it’s hard to believe but there really is always hope, taking just small steps you really can recover and rebuild your life.

Perhaps try to just take each day and plan small tasks each morning like having a shower or eating something or doing one bit of cleaning, or seeing your dad.

Take care kats

Ellie x

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This hard time will pass. Most of us have been through v rough stages. The priority is getting better. Try make sure the meds you are taking are right for your symptoms. Once you feel better which you will, you can focus on other things. And everything will seem so easy cos you better. If you not improving then talk to a doctor perhaps they can adjust dose or meds. Just try to get through this period. It does take time. It's different for everyone. It might not even take that long for you to feel better. It's hard with these kind of illnesses. It seems to just be dragging on but it does get better . We proof of that. And once you are you can do all the things u wanted xx

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I managed to speak to my gp and get my aripiprazole, she didn’t ask any questions just said she’d prescribe it. I’m already quite poorly again, I haven’t slept in two days and I can hear the two voices (ones god and one is grace) telling me not to take the tablets. I can feel the bugs crawling all over me and I burst into tears in the pharmacy because there were spiders on my purse so I couldn’t get my nhs prepayment card out and had to ask the pharmacist to do it. She told me to take one of my tablets immediately but they often make me throw up so I’ve come home and now trying to make myself take it, but they trigger me so bad.

I’m now on arirpiprazole, lithium, venlafaxine, mirtazapine, amitriptyline, zopiclone, levothyroxine & omeprazole. I think they are the right combination for me, it’s just that my depot injection doesn’t last for 4 weeks like it should, so I have to top it up every month. I don’t want the depot injection anymore, I want to go back to taking tablets but my mental health team say I haven’t been compliant with my meds in the past so I don’t have a choice whether I have it or not. When I was in hospital I tried to refuse it but they just restrained me and gave it to me anyway. My mh nurse came round today and I said that I didn’t want it anymore and wouldn’t go for it on Thursday and she said if I don’t turn up for it then they will have me put straight back in hospital to have it done under restraint. I don’t want to go back to hospital so I’m going to have to have it done. I don’t see why I can’t take the tablets instead, I’ve promised i’ll take them.

I really hope I get better. I’ve eaten a couple of snacks today and had a shower so I guess that’s progress. I’ve had some bad news about my dog, my ex won’t let me see him, so that’s really upset me. I’m going to have to prove I paid for him so I want him back. I hate all this divorce stuff, there’s a court hearing on 1st June and I don’t want to go. And the social worker is saying I’ve made no effort to contact my children but that’s completely not the case. My ex has blocked me on WhatsApp, Facebook, phone and email. The only way I could get in contact with them is to drive round to his house and see them myself, which I’m not allowed to do. I really feel like this is a battle I won’t win. X

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Heh Kat - I hope you can gain access to your little ones. May be you should concentrate on one thing at a time. |It may help if you show that you are hoping to take steps to be independent by taking free government online qualifications courses when your health is better.

You have to say how much you appreciate efforts to help you by those involved. You might like to say that you want to be part of your children's life and explain how you have tried to go special counselling to get to know your children with professional help. You might mention that you have diabetes which may have worsened over the past few months and that you hope to liase with your practice. Someone once said to me "don't let the past define you" - I found this helpful - just think of the person you can be.

I read an interesting article about reprogramming your brain to think positively. When you feel negative try not to react instantaneously. Having a sense of humour I try to laugh at misfortune - it works. One step at a time. You have divorce hearing which has been constructed so you may not gain access to your children but the fact that you have had relapses should not alter your right to see your little ones. The problem I think you have

may be lie with drug intolerances. A crawling sensation on your head can be linked to thyroid problems. Best of luck and look forward .

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Hi Kats

That’s good you got your prescription, I hope it starts taking effect soon and the spiders and voices disappear, that must be really scary.

I’m sorry to hear your husband won’t let you see your dog and that you don’t get along with the social worker. Hopefully you’ll make steady progress on both fronts, one small step at a time.

Well done for taking a shower and managing a couple of snacks - that’s really positive so it’s great you’ve noted those things.

Thinking of you kats.

Jenny x

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I had a truly horrible night. I think i have spiralled out of control really fast and my aripiprazole has had no effect yet. Last night there were people trying to break into my house, I could hear them kicking the door, they wanted to kill me. The spiders were everywhere and there was/is foxes trying to get into my house to attack me. I can still hear the two voices telling me I must die and go to heaven and there is nothing left here for me. I kept telling them to go away, and I wasn’t going to kill myself, I stayed strong but it’s horrible.

I didn’t get any sleep. I was too frightened. I have now had 5 hours sleep in 3 days and I’m beyond exhausted. Today the spiders are still there and I can still feel bugs crawling all over me. It’s relentless, and I’m so scared.

I’m so frustrated that I can’t get on top of this, if i’d remembered my aripiprazole on time maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Every month is the same, and I get breakthrough psychosis. It’s never ending, I’m never going to be stable and live a normal life.

My friends have suggested ringing my mh nurse but I’ve had another argument with the social worker and next week isn’t looking like it’s going to happen with my children and I desperately don’t want to give her more ammunition to cancel me seeing them. But I’m trapped in my bedroom, too afraid to leave in case something happens to me. And even in my room I’m not safe because of the spiders and bugs crawling on me. Xx

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Hi Kats

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much the last couple of days, that sounds really scary. Well done for fighting it, and for reaching out to some friends.

Do try and talk to your mental health team if you can. They can help you, and may be able to increase your dose, or look at your depo injection too. It's so important they know what you are struggling with.

I hope that you can rest and that the medication starts to take affect. Are you able to ring your dad, or a friend, to be with you, so that you don't feel so scared?

Take care Kats, Ellie

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I tried to ring my mh nurse but got told she was on leave for 2 weeks as of today. So I asked that my care coordinator called me, who’s a mh social worker, but she hasn’t. I’ve rung twice now and been told she isn’t at her desk at the moment but will ring me back. She only has half an hour before she goes home, so I doubt she will call me. She hasn’t got time to come and see me now and she doesn’t work again until Friday. So there’s no one I can reach out to. I’ve tried, but it’s hopeless. I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Friday and desperately don’t want to be like this because I want him to say I’m stable and ok to see my children.

I really don’t want to go to hospital again but this is awful. I’m trapped in my room with fear. I can’t ask anyone to come over because I can’t open my front door in case they come in and attack me. I’m so tired, I just want to be able to sleep. Xx

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Hi Kats

Well done for phoning your mental health team, it’s so good you reached out. I’m sorry you weren’t able to get through to your mental health nurse though.

Perhaps you could phone them again and just tell the receptionist your symptoms and that you’d like to see someone and perhaps another person from the team can visit you, or the crisis team?

Can you ring your dad, perhaps he could phone them on your behalf?

Take care kats, you are going to be ok. Do try to do anything that helps you relax so that you can rest and sleep.

Ellie x

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My care coordinator called me back and she just said that this always happens to me at the end of my depot and that I only have two days to go so i’ll be fine and just to stay in my bedroom until I have my depot. She said I was just emotional about my relationship (which I’m not) and that is what was causing it.

I feel totally defeated. I was hoping she would help me but she didn’t, she just said I would be fine and to call them if I needed. I might go to a&e, because I’m so frightened at home. Someone must be able to help me. Xx

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Hi kats

That’s really good you spoke to your care coordinator. I am sure you will be fine and will feel better after you have your depo and your missed medication starts working, but of course it is still scary for you.

Yes you can always go to A&E if you don’t feel safe at home. Perhaps first you could consider ringing your dad or someone else who can stay with you for the next couple of days to reassure and support you?

You are doing really well to reach out for support.

Take care kats

Ellie

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I went to a&e yesterday and spend ages waiting to see the psych liaison team. They wanted to admit me but I said hospital wouldn’t help so they agreed I could go home with some diazepam and a prescription for an increase in my aripiprazole. I’ve taken the increased dose twice now and I’m feeling much better in terms of the spiders and foxes and people trying to break into my house, they have gone now. I still feel the bedbugs crawling on me though.

I am also back to being an atheist again. I know that speaking to god was a delusion/hallucination and I know (myself) that I don’t believe. Which is good, I mean things are becoming clearer again. But I’m going through that “what the fuuuuck was that” stage again, and it’s quite hard. Every noise, every bug I see, every time my house creaks, I become terrified again. Even though I am more lucid now.

I’ve had really shitty news from social services. They have lied, again. They are saying I can’t see my kids. At first they were saying that I could see them for 5 mins in a contact centre garden and then go to the park next door. However, they’ve now emailed my independent social worker saying “since that offer, Kat has taken an overdose and bitten a police offer so we will no longer allow contact until we can be assured it is safe”.

That’s not true. They offered the contact centre garden and park AFTER I had taken the overdose. I saw them the day after I was discharged. Since I saw them, I have been stable. I have taken my meds religiously, I have engaged in counselling, I have sought help when my depot was wearing off. I’ve done everything right. I have engaged with my mh nurse, I have cleaned my house up and made it nice for the kids, I’m losing weight and I’m looking for a part time job.

I’ve done nothing wrong, but social services, or should I say my social worker, is absolutely determined to keep me away from my children. I don’t know what else I can do. I’m proved I’m responsible and I can look after myself, so why can’t I see my kids? It’s so unfair. I feel like this is a battle I just won’t win. I’m going back to court on Tuesday and I just hope my solicitor puts up a good fight for me.

As for the biting the police officer, nothing has happened about that. I’m assuming it’s being dropped as I have heard nothing from the police. As far as I am concerned, it is an unsubstantiated allegation with no evidence and there’s nothing much the police can do.

I just want to see my babies so much. I miss them. Xx

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Hi Kats

That’s really good you went to A&E for some support, that must have taken a lot of courage to do that, and I’m glad that you are feeling better with the increased medication.

It sounds like you are taking some really good steps to getting better, as you say. Perhaps just try to continue to focus on taking those small steps of looking after yourself and rebuilding your life, seeking and using support when you need it as you have done and I’m sure slowly and with time you will get more access to your children.

Take care kats, we are thinking of you

Ellie

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I wouldn’t mind if it was a case of getting MORE contact with my children, but I’m not get any at all. I haven’t seen them for 10 weeks and I haven’t spoken to them for 2 weeks. I’m missing them so much, I can’t describe the pain I’m feeling.

All I want to do is overdose, but I’m trying so hard to be strong for my babies. I know that if I take another overdose I either must be successful at ending my life, or I will not get access to my children for a long time. So I am trying to stay away from the tablets and be strong, and somehow fight through this pain. I told my care coordinator I was afraid I was going to kill myself and she replied “I’m sure you’ll be fine”. She was totally unhelpful and made me feel like I was wasting her time.

I’ve got my depot injection tomorrow so hopefully by Saturday I will stop feeling the bedbugs. All I want is a proper night’s sleep without waking at 3am feeling frightened and itchy., which is what keeps happening.

I feel like I don’t want to be better without my children. I need them, as much as they need me. Social services are harming my children by preventing contact with me and I will never forgive them for that. Xx

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Hi Kats

I’m sorry to hear your care coordinator was dismissive when you told her how you were feeling, it can be so hard to express these thoughts and feelings, to get a response like that isn’t at all helpful.

You’re doing so well to stay strong and fight the feelings you’re having, it must be awful not having contact with your children. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, try to keep taking it day by day.

I hope the depot injection today helps.

Thinking of you a lot.

Jenny x

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My care coordinator isn’t even coming to my psychiatrist appointment this morning, she said she wouldn’t get there in time. She said a duty worker would attend instead but that’s pointless as the duty worker doesn’t know my history. Not that my care coordinator does, she said yesterday I was taking overdoses when I was still with my ex husband and children but that’s simply not the case. I corrected her and she changed it to “but you had intentions!” No, I had voices commanding me to kill myself, that’s different to intending on taking an overdose.

And I said I’d never taken an overdose around my children and never would, and she didn’t know what to say. She is a social worker and I swear all social workers are ignorant when it comes to mental health, or at least act it. It wouldn’t take much for her to go back through my notes and see that I never took an overdose until 5 weeks ago.

I’ve also been diagnosed with “mixed personality disorder”. So today I am challenging that with the psychiatrist. I know I do not have a personality disorder and do not fit the criteria for one, it is very frustrating being labelled with something you don’t have xx

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Hi Kats

I hope that the meeting with your psychiatrist went ok and that you were able to get some clarification about your diagnosis.

You are doing so well to keep fighting this horrible illness. Do keep trying to take those small positive steps like eating, having a bath or shower, housework and then move onto bigger things like getting back to work. And I hope you can keep accessing any support you can. I know this is what really helped me. Step by step you can get better.

Take care

Ellie

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Heh Kats - this must be so distressing. I get the picture - You have a court hearing and the thought of this must be so worrying. The psychiatrist seems to be washing his hands as he is suggesting the lithium you were taking might precipitate another suicidal outcome.

As lithium is an old drug and is toxic, there must be alternatives. I think you are worried you might not have access to your babies. I can offer you a word of comfort and that is there are many causes of post natal psychotic depression - it might seem strange as like most women who have had this condition no other suggestions as to cause of your condition are made available. You have a label round your neck! Among these causes of this horrid complication of childbirth are kidney and urinary tract infections, flu, B12 and folate deficiency and anaemia, iodine deficiency, zinc, magnesium, and other vitamin deficiencies including most of the B vitamins C vitamin Vitamin K and finally thyroid and adrenal disordesr which will make you pile on the weight, and can give all the signs of a psychotic bipolar disorder,

A goitre might show in your neck but it may not be apparent at all.

What I think you should do is go to your minor injuries unit using out of hours services over the week end and explain that the withdrawal from the drug you have been taking is making you extremely ill.

Ask if you can have a change of drug may be a more modern drug to tide you over.

You need sleep more than anything else and a proper diet and company - who can you see who will help you ? A friend or relation? You might have the option to delay the court hearing as you are so ill at the moment. I would also ask the online CAB how you can delay the court hearing due to your condition. You need a period of space after your recent mental health review. If social services are involved you might find help from a psychiatric social worker. Thinking of you..I am nearly 71 and know the future looks grim - as I had a similar experience 50 years ago but is worth hanging on as the sun is bound to come out again.

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