I’m at work and sitting in the office feeling so unbelievably uncomfortable. All of my work colleagues who were such good friends of mine before are here but I just have so much anxiety and paranoia that I just cant think of anything to say. I just want to disappear and be alone. I’m just so not myself and just can’t understand who I am being anymore. I wouldn’t blame everyone if they were thinking who is this girl? I’ve just lost all confidence in myself and just wish people would forget me and remember me as I was before.
I just don’t understand what’s happening anymore. Even worse I don’t know how to explain it to anyone or even a doctor so how am I ever going to get better
Im so sorry I keep coming on here sounding like a broken record x
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Loopy86
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I am so very sorry that you are feeling so low and anxious and unable to explain to anyone how you feel. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are at work, not so long ago you possibly felt you may not be able to return. You have come so far from such an awful, traumatic illness, try and be patient with yourself, it is understandable that you have lost some confidence but it isn’t all on you to speak first. It is so good that you can explain here how you feel, perhaps start there with your doctor saying the same or similar, then perhaps your most trusted friends at work, you may find them more understanding than you think, stick with those you know to be kind. I should say that I did not suffer Postpartum Psychosis, my daughter did, is back at work and doing well, you can too. I know that she found her boss and some of her work colleagues very understanding. I wonder if breathing and relaxing techniques may help. It must be hard, I know, but little by little it will get better and you may even feel stronger one day than you did before you were ill.
I know that you will hear from lots of brave, understanding Mums here. Thinking of you.
Never apologise for coming on here for support, that’s what the forum is for .
I can totally relate , I can’t promise you when you feel start to feel like your old self again but I can reassure you that you will overcome the anxiety and paranoia.
Remember you have come a long way, to be able to even go back to work is a big win ! Sometimes I prefer to write things down if I am unable to explain how I feeling just like you did above on this forum . Maybe you could write down how you are feeling and to your GP or psychiatrist and see how things go from there .
thank you so much for ur reply. I have wondered before if writing things down will help, so I will perhaps start to do that. Emptying my head might help with my anxiety x
I am sorry you are feeling low and anxious lately, and worrying about what others may think of you. It is difficult to find the words and lightness sometimes, and it is so normal to not feel witty when recovering from pp. This won't be forever, this is not the new you. My first year at work felt like a blur and I was very worried about my performance. With time it improved massively, and I have kept and made new friendships at work. It is a slow process, but do not discourage, you will get there same as the many mums on this forum.
Do keep on writing here, it was one of the things that helped me in my recovery, I needed the reassurances that others have gone through a similar experience and come the other side. Take really good care
Hi Loopy86, I can completely relate to that. I really felt like I lost my personality after having PP. I really didn't have any confidence that I had anything interesting to say. It took quite a while but I have recovered.Do your work colleagues know that you were mentally ill? They don't need details, but it might help them understand.
Any kind, genuine friend will usually have time and patience to help you through your recovery.
I might sound like a stuck record here too, but I read snippets from a weekend newspaper, listened to news on the radio, watched popular TV- so you can discuss it, asked people about their holidays. I had to retrain myself. If you show interest in people and ask questions, hopefully they will reciprocate.
thank u so much for ur reply. It’s so reassuring to hear x yes I told my manager I had been in hospital but not my actual diagnosis. I haven’t told anyone else yet but I think it would help take some of the pressure of me to be my old self. Thank u for the advice about ways to help get conversation moving again xx
Thanks for posting. You've already had some great replies here but I just wanted to say to hang on in there. I can relate in some ways as after my PP episode I rushed back to work taking minimum maternity leave. I had bad depression and anxiety after my PP got under control and what helped me with work was actually a change of role (at the same job), don't know if that's an option for you.
The new challenge let me just go in, get my head down and plough through my work for 8 hours. People on my new team hadn't really known me before so weren't expecting anything in particular and I could still say a quick 'hi' to old colleagues. I actually made some good acquaintances with for example an older lady who found me teary at the photocopier one day, and quieter fellas I'd never spoken to before but appreciated me making them a cup of tea.
After a while I got back to my old more bubbly work self, but it did take a long time, medication, therapy etc. Definitely talk to the medical professionals if you're not feeling right, but know it can take time. My experience was 15yrs ago and I'll never be quite the same, but I think maybe I'm overall a bit more of an awesome person for it now
thank you sammy for ur kind reply. I like the idea of getting stuck into a new job as I think the repetitive nature of my current role is allowing my mind to wander. There is an opportunity to help another team who r struggling so maybe I will offer to do that and see if that helps. Thank u again xx
hi Maria, thank u so much for checking up on me. I am very up and down but I’ve had a change in meds which I think have boosted me slightly. I’ve also asked to reduce my olanzapine as I think it’s slowing me down in my head too much. I will c how that goes and hope for the best. It’s a bit chicken and egg in that I have worries and paranoia but they are being fed by me being so detached if that makes sense. X
Hi Loopy86, I hope that the change in meds helps, it is positive that they have given you an initial slight boost, they will take some time to give their full effect, so I will be hoping with you. You are right, it is a bit of vicious circle, the more I worry or feel paranoid the more I withdraw and then I imagine things ten times worse than what they truly are. It is very difficult. Someone suggested maybe a change in teams and that sounds like a great idea, I hope you get a chance to help the new team so that it feels a bit like a fresh start. Do take really good care
I can relate so much to what you write. It brings back a lot of memories of that early time after coming home from the hospital, meeting up with old friends and feeling so disconnected - like everything that we ever had in common was now completely irrelevant because how could I connect with anyone after the psychosis?
I was really paranoid about the whole word “psychosis” and was convinced that people would assume I was dangerous, psychopathic, and not someone they’d want to spend time with. It created a lot of social anxiety - at a time when I should have been getting out and about with my baby.
Luckily one of the mums from our local NCT group proved to be an absolute godsend. She was very practical and while we didn’t really talk about my illness, she understood how anxious I was and she made sure that we went along together to the local play groups. And from that support, it sort of built up from there.
So I wonder if you have someone at work who could sort of fulfil that role with you? Someone you trust, who can help you feel more confident? You don’t have to share anything about your illness, but maybe let that person know how anxious you are, and how it might help your confidence to have their moral and practical support for a bit? Maybe suggest a walk together to go get coffees? Sometimes “side by side” conversations are easier when feeling anxious, as you don’t have to worry too much about eye contact and so on.
thank u for ur kind reply. I’m really grateful to u and everyone taking the time to help. A lot of my close friends have recently left but there is one more person I can confide in, it’s just waiting for the opportunity to arise. I keep just trying to pretend I’m ok which is probably making me feel even worse, so I agree telling someone will help to alleviate my anxiety x thank u
Really glad that you have found the words to say how you felt back at your desk - I'm so sorry to hear that your confidence and self-esteem has taken such a knock. It's been lovely to read other people's responses here and I hope that's been a boost for you too.
In my own experience, I did struggle sometimes to feel like I had anything else to talk about other than this completely unexpected, scary and difficult thing that had happened to me with PP. I do think it's very natural for it to feel like such an overwhelming experience that the 'old you' is lost in a way. I was so encouraged by KatG's practical ideas for conversation that doesn't feel so intimidating! I still need those pointers having moved somewhere new and wondering how much of my 'story' to tell...
I really liked what SammySeal said about coming to a point where she can see herself as a bit more of an awesome person!! This might feel a way off for you - but I do believe it's part of the recovery journey for many of us. Over the months and years we can integrate the 'old me' with the 'survivor me' and have a sense of pride even if our experience of PP is not fully understood by those who haven't been through it in their own lives or family.
Keep writing whenever you need - it's what we are here for.
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