Struggling

Hello ladies,

Hope you all doing well so so was here long time suffering from ppp but after being to a several psychiatrists and been misdiagnosed finally I found a decent doctor who diagnosed me right from U.K. But based in Dubai and that's where I live . My diagnosis was OCD that leaded to severe depression and after wrong medication I experienced psychosis features but till now no psychotic episodes.So he took me off antidepressant remeron which was doing nothing than making me sleep and put on 25kg in 6 months which worsened my depression .he tried recently with me mood stabilizers as I tried all kinds of antidepressants and and antipsychotic with no success,I felt myself again for 2 weeks and then he put me on a higher dose then I am back to where I was . I am paranoid all the time ,depressed ,I just wish I would never wake up. I am middle eastern mental illnesses is a stigma ,my husband is no more supportive .but I got stronger since I had my breakdown last year now I look after my child with no support .please tell me that this ugly illness doesn't last .my doctor put me back on the low dose and I hope I will see the light again .i am suffering since more than a year ,need your support may be sharing your experience would help.

Riham

10 Replies

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  • Hello Riham

    Welcome back to the forum ..... so good to hear from you although I'm sorry you've been struggling and had a breakdown last year. You sound as if you've been struggling for a while with little family support. What happened to the mamas support group in Dubai? Are you still in touch with them? Also I think your son's nanny was helping you ...... do you still have any support from her?

    It's good that your psychosis has gone but I know that depression can be very hard to lift yourself up from. The thing to remember is that you are a great mum to your son so try not to think of not being there although during my PP I had similar thoughts.

    Can you ask your doctor to put you back on the dose you were happier with? I'm not sure about medication as it has all changed since my PP. I'm sorry you are also struggling with the stigma attached to mental illness and your husband is not supportive. I think it's very hard for partners to understand how much we are changed for a while by this illness although we fight so hard to be well.

    I can honestly say that this illness doesn't last but it can seem endless when you are feeling so low. I've been reading my notes and found my PP to be very distressing but I came through it all, even though the stigma to mental illness was strong in the 70's and mid 80's so not discussed with me.

    Hold on Riham ..... you do have a lot of strength and will find your way. You are doing well to look after your son without support but I'm sure it can be tiring for you. I think it took me well over two years to feel completely well and confident but 'newer' mums have had quicker recoveries. You really will see the light eventually so try to surround yourself with as much support as you can. Is it possible your mum can help in Egypt?

    We are all with you ...... stay safe and take very good care.

  • Dear Lilybeth,

    Thanks for your kind support as usual , you always lift me up in my dark times ,so my updates is that I had to fire the nanny after 2 months cause she used to take 2days off every week without any notice and she knows how I needed her support,now I am moving to a bigger house in feb with an extra maid room to get a fulltime live in not out. My husband asked me not to go to any psychiatrist again he thinks they are responsible for what I am experiencing,so now I see my psychiatrist every week behind my husband back.my sister came to dubai since 4 months to look for a job (age 40)and I thought she would be a great support turned out that I have two Toddler now I have to look after them so she does nothing except playing with my so. If he is in a good mood.I am back to the old dose I hope it will lift me up and I will recover as you know I haven't been well since too long.

    You have me hope when you told me it took you 2 years

  • Hello Riham

    Thanks for your update ..... I'll be here later after work but all the other mums will be here for you.

    Take care.

  • Thanks Lilybeth I appreciate your support

  • Hi Riham

    It's good to hear from you again but I'm so sorry you're struggling still . It really sounds like you have a lot of stresses in your life, with a family not understanding / helpful etc, and what an amazing strong woman you are to cope with it all without much family support by the sound of it.

    First of all I know when you're still struggling it's hard to see how far you've come. You were really bad before weren't you, not able to be with your son, you ARE getting better, it's just hard you are still struggling. But have hope you have come through so much already and you will come through and be fully well.

    I would definitely keep going to your psychiatrist, do you trust them? Keep a record of your mood / thoughts too so you can give them lots of information when you see them.

    I too wondered if you are in touch with the mothers group in dubai? I hope so, as I imagine that could be a great source of support for you? Or do you have any trusted friends who support you?

    Recovery is different for each person, it was over a year that I was struggling but I had quick diagnosis and very good professional support/ meds right from the beginning... so I'm sure that gave me the best chance...

    Take care we're here for you, keep writing whenever you want to x

  • Hello Ellie,

    Good to hear from you , I am still on the dubai mum support group but haven't wrote down for my struggle there yet as I was giving recently only positive vibes too many mums so I was so sensitive to let them see that who is trying supporting them is struggling as well ,yes you are right things changes I am now in dubai taking care of my son on my own which I couldn't do for long time ,but when you feel so low everything seems so dark .i am very happy with my psychiatrist as he is the only one who diagnosed me well and giving me the right support.

    What bothers me is the irrational thoughts that I still have I just want them to end . I do still have suicidal thoughts but I had them since a year so it's more like OCD cause when I get them it scares me .i just wanna feel normal again Ellie and forget about this horrible illness

  • Dear Riham,

    I believe you are incredibly strong; despite your struggles you can take care of your child, you know exactly what you want and making all the right decisions, such as being in close contact with your professional support and working towards more suitable meds.

    I believe our needs do change after PPP, especially when trying to recover subsequently different types and/or amounts of medication, therapies and support networking are continuously adapted and tailor-made for our make-up of condition. We often have to cope with other symptoms reflecting mental health issues such as depression or in my case various phobias and anxieties. Thus, it is of vital importance to keep communicating with the once who are of great help to you, who understand & listen.

    I have been very fortunate as my partner completely tuned into my life and needs, when becoming so terribly poorly.

    Riham, life will improve and get better!!! I do not fight what has happened to me, but accept what I have experienced, even the new me. :-)

    Wishing you health and happiness.

    Sabine x

  • Dear Sabine,

    Thanks for your kind words that lift me up ,my psychiatrist thinks I am so strong too and I am grateful but when I am so low I just feel so weak ,helpless and completely mad.its harder when I have to fight this all alone but I have a psychiatrist who I trust now,I just contacted a volunteer at dubai mum group who had been always a great support before and we are meeting on Sunday I asked her for support.

    My phobias are really distressing me like my son's soft toys ,cartoon characters,weird object that might be funny for others and my dr said its ideas of reference,so i hope I would also control my phobias and anxiety as I believe they re linked ,when I fear something it triggers anxiety attack.

    Thank you so much mamas for support you have been always there although we re thousands miles away ,never gave up on me and always giving a hope for Tomorrow.God bless you all and your families

  • Dear Riham,

    thank you for your lovely response. There are moments where you feel lonely and sad, but you are not on your own. I am convinced that sharing your worries when times are really difficult helps a lot. I am glad I have found this forum, too.

    Take good care of yourself. x

  • Hello Riham

    I'm sure the replies here have given you hope. How thoughtful you were to think of the other mums in the support group in Dubai, not disclosing your own struggles and being positive for them. It's good that you have now reached out here and to one of the volunteers in the Dubai group whom you feel comfortable with. I hope you will honestly tell her how low you have been so that she can give you strength to fight on. It's a shame you can't tell your husband about your visits to the psychiatrist as this would probably do you good to talk about it together. I appreciate that due to stigma this is a no go area. Even today, except for the forum, due to the stigma of mental illness my PP is not discussed by my parents.

    You are doing really well to take care of your son (and sister) when you feel so low yourself. It's not easy to lift your mood of feeling flat but perhaps as you are moving to a new home next year, you might focus on furnishings or decorating? Also as you will be having a full-time nanny in the New Year, perhaps you might plan a few days out to spoil yourself after the harrowing events of this year? OCD must be very challenging for you so these ideas might distract your thoughts for a while.

    So glad you are back in touch ...... sending you a virtual hug across the miles :) You are one amazing moma so take very good care of yourself. We are all with you .......

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