Son's birthday was yesterday

[Survivedwithcolor]

Our son's birthday was yesterday and he is 23 years old now. Wow. 23 years since I got PP, and survived it. It feels like yesterday and 100 years ago at the same time.

Here are some stats on what's happened in the last 23 years, if anyone is interested.

I became depressed within several weeks of the birth. I started an antidepressant a few weeks later, became manic, and then became psychotic.

I lived with psychosis, and the depression (which returned) for 10 months before my condition became so severe that I was hospitalized. Because it wasn't properly treated for so long, it wasn't recognized as PP when I finally got treatment. At the time it was thought that PP can only happen within 6 weeks of the birth. It happened shortly after that, but no one knew what it was, including me, and I was very good at hiding it.

It took three years of treatment in and out of the hospital before I stabilized.

I was hospitalized probably around 15 times. (I'm in the US, so did not stay on a unit for more than a week or two at a time, sometimes just a few days - they'd change my meds and send me back home.) My last hospitalization was nearly ten years ago. There were four after that first three year period, mostly because medication changes didn't go well.

I tried 8 different antipsychotics, 2 mood stabilizers, 5 antidepressants, and probably ten different other drugs including anti-anxiety and sleep medications. I got off antipsychotics two years ago but still take a low dose of an antidepressant and mood stabilizer, as well as an occasional dose of anti-anxiety meds.

I've seen at least 8 regular therapists, had consultations with at least that many more, and have been seen by many different psychiatrists over the years - probably dozens, if you count the ones I saw while hospitalized.

I gained 100 pounds on antipsychotics and have lost 80 just in the last two years. I have several permanent health problems from taking those meds and gaining all that weight.

I am still happily married and my children are both very well adjusted, lovely and successful adults.

We had to move three times and I lost my career, but I started another one and am now retired.

Even knowing what I know now, I would still have children if I had it to do again. Although I might do some things differently!

My life has been hard, but I'm happy that I survived and I'm very grateful for all the people who helped me get through. My goal now is to be one of those people for other women.

No matter what you're going through now, know that you are one of the strongest people out there and one day, you too will look back on PP as something that seems like just yesterday but also 100 years ago. Keep the faith, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get there.

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Dearest Survivedwithcolour,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Goodness you write so well about all that you’ve experienced since you had your little boy 23 years ago. I hope when my eight year old and four year old are that age I’ll be able to share such wisdom and insight as you have here.

I’m so so glad you found the strength to keep going through all that PP put you through.

Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes, and I just know how much those words will mean to other people here on the forum.

We’re so glad you’re here.

Rachel x

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to Rachel_at_APP]

You will, Rachel! THank you. You're so lucky that you found this forum to talk, discuss and share. I went 20 whole years without ever meeting or even chatting online with another survivor. It was incredibly lonely. I'm grateful to be here now.

[Rainbow9725]

Thank you so much for sharing.

Your journey sounds so, so difficult.

It shows how very strong and selfless you are saying you'd go through it all again to have your Children and give them life. I feel the exact same way despite it being the most frightening road I've ever been down it was also the most rewarding as it brought me my Son and made us a Family.

Happy retirement to you! You sound like an incredible Lady!

N x

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to Rainbow9725]

I’ll be honest, there were a few years while the kids were younger (especially when the older one was a difficult teen) that I did feel like having kids had ruined my life. I had big goals for myself when I was younger, and children and PP sidelined all of that. I was so frustrated with the medications and the weight gain, I think that contributed to a lot of depression over the years. I couldn’t find my way out of it. Yet, looking back on it with the wisdom of being a little older, life is promised to no one, and there weren’t ever any guarantees that I would have achieved my other goals. If I had chosen not to have children, I think my life would have been very different, and yet I’m not sure it would have been better. I think I very much would have regretted not having them. I love having them in the world, and seeing them grow into lovely adults, and discovering the world for themselves. I hope I’ve done a good thing by that decision. Who ever knows what our lives would have been if we had made different choices? We don’t get to know that. I’m happy now that we’re all here, and if I had it to choose again, I’d still have them.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Survivedwithcolor

It's really moving to read your post. You have been through so much, it took so long for you to find the right treatment and recover! You will be such an inspiration to others on here, particularly those of us who have had a rocky road of recovery and several admissions to hospital.

Thanks so much for being a member of this forum, your support of others on here is amazing.

Take care,

Ellie X

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Thank you, Ellie. I’m happy to be here. You all have given so much to me just by being here. I was utterly alone with this for so long. Reading everyone’s stories here has really been validating for me, that what I went through was real. So many providers treated me with disbelief, like I was making it all up! I couldn’t get a correct diagnosis, treatment or help. To this day I struggle to understand why that was so hard, because PP has been a documented diagnosis ever since women have had babies. I had the misfortune to have an odd presentation, I guess, and no one was experienced enough to see it.

Thank you for your support and all that you do. Even though I’m mostly past it (although it will live with me forever), this forum is a lifeline for me too.

[KatMax]

Such a beautiful post, brought tears to my eyes too! You are such a gifted writer, don’t forget to write your book!! I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, but so grateful for your ability to share and be honest. Your words inspire me! I’m in the hospital (5th time) as we speak. This journey is a long one. I miss my son but your writing reminds me that it can and will get better..

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to KatMax]

I am working on the book, although slowly with everything else in my life. I can’t work on it every day - it’s pretty deep at times, and I have a lot of insecurity that it’s no good, no one reads books anymore, no one will care, etc. I also worry about privacy and whether if I publish it I’ll regret putting it out there (and that’s IF I could get it published) or whether someone who takes issue with it would come hunting me down. In our current rather unbelievable political situation I worry very much about stuff like that happening. There’s a lot of misplaced anger out there especially toward women, minorities and other vulnerable groups as I’m sure you’re aware. PP is not an attack on men but I’m astounded by the cruelty I see being normalized and even encouraged on social media, especially from men, and I don’t know that I have the fortitude to take that about my own already difficult story.

But back to you, thank you so much for your reply, and I’ve been thinking of you. Repeated hospitalizations are hard. It’s hard being in there, the treatments are difficult… my heart goes out to you. Are you still doing ECT? Is it helping at all? Please keep us posted. Hang in there, my dear. Head down and one foot in front of the other like you’re trudging through snow. Throw away today and try to get to tomorrow. One day you will get through the worst of the storm, I promise. 🙏🏻

[KatMax in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Glad to hear you’re still working on the book but yes understand it is sensitive material. And yes still doing ECT I think I’ve done 10 treatments. Can’t really tell how it’s helping but I think I feel some progress. Yes putting one foot in front of the other. Hanging in there.

[Claire_griff Volunteer]

hiya,

Thank you for writing your post, very moving! It’s amazing that you are writing a book, keep going and have faith that someone will find it helpful as they have your insightful posts here on the forum.

I’m so sorry that you were not listened to and had such a long journey to recovery, it shows amazing strength that you’ve taken it and turned it into something positive by helping others.

Take care,

Claire

[EquineBeauty]

You have lived an incredible life, with lots of hurdles and challenges along the way but you have overcome all of them. So happy to hear that you and your husband created and raised two amazing adults even while struggling yourself. Congratulations on getting off antipsychotics as well as losing all that weight and prioritizing your health. And thank you for being such a kind and vocal support for all of us in the community. It means a lot for all of us to know we are not alone.

Keep healthy, pace your consumption of the news (I’m in the US too and have had to cut back a lot on the amount I watch and listen), surround yourself with supportive people and help one another. Keep prioritizing your sleep (I take Unisom sometimes to help me fall asleep - I think the active ingredient is also some kind of antiallergen like hydroxyzine).

Take care and we’ll chat again soon I’m sure through future posts.

Ps. I joined PSI as a volunteer/survivor and currently the team is working on a “white paper” along with therapists and psychiatrists - basically like a 30 or so question assessment to assess women for possible PPP if they’re suspected of having it. Very purposeful questions about sleep or lack thereof, racing thoughts, bizzare beliefs, feeling incapable of taking care of yourself or child… things that def. don’t fit into just the depression scale. And since there are assessments for PPA and PPD - there most certainly needs to be an official one for PPP given the severity of it.

It’ll take time. But hopefully it gets adopted in the next few years so much less women have to suffer.

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to EquineBeauty]

That’s awesome you’ve found a team in PSI! I am on an education committee for my state. What group are you working with?

[EquineBeauty in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

I’m working with Post Partum Psychosis Taskforce

[Fowler01]

wow what a lady you are! You should be so proud of how far you have come and all that you have dealt with. I can’t imagine having PP symptoms for 10 months and then it not being diagnosed! You really are amazing and I hope I get to read your completed book one day. Glad to hear you are still a happy, united family despite all the curve balls you’ve been thrown. Take good care & happy birthday to your son

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to Fowler01]

Thank you! I just think of myself as a survivor, I guess. I survived it, and it's kind of a miracle, because I spent literally years thinking about taking my own life on a regular basis. My psychologist told my husband she thought I had about a 50% chance of survival that first year - which now strikes me as really low.

My story is a bit unusual since I wasn't diagnosed for so long and it had to do with where I lived at the time. I was in a rural area of the US, and even though I had symptoms, people didn't recognize it as PP. I was really good at hiding it and minimizing it, and I did this for a very long time until finally the situation just became critical, and I could no longer function. It's sad, because now I think if I had been diagnosed in time, I probably would have made a full recovery much sooner.

I'm working slowly on the book, and I do hope to find some folks who are willing to read it!