MESSAGE FROM APP ADMINS: This post contains potentially distressing information on the subject of self harm and suicide. If you are feeling vulnerable, do take care if reading this post
I’m struggling so bad with my mood and suicidal thoughts and self harming to cope I feel so alone like I can’t talk to anyone right now even though I’m scared I would act on the thoughts but I have kids I keep safe and they are loved and well taken of they are amazing children the reason I’m alive fighting to be here for them my flashbacks and trauma gets so much so heavy it makes me have dark thoughts why should I even be here my kids are amazing and will have amazing lives but for myself as a mother I feel the burden for being the person that’s mentally ill and not improving I took an overdose on December 29th that didn’t work now I feel worse I had to be reported to family services because of something I did to my self not near the children not anywhere around them I can’t see see any light at the end of my tunnel I’m falling deeper down I just want to live where I’m not constantly crying for hours on end I’m just very lonely and don’t know how to move forward
I am so very sorry you are really struggling. Not only have you been through PP but also from your bio have adhd and complex ptsd. You’re not alone .. we are all here to listen and support you.
It must be very difficult to be so isolated if you can’t talk to anyone at the moment. Thank you for sharing how traumatic your thoughts have been. I had PP many years ago and had awful thoughts of suicide, took an overdose, eventually being admitted to general mixed psychiatric care. The flashbacks can be very frightening can’t they?
I felt very ashamed of myself but now think of my actions as a cry for help? It wasn’t our fault when PP hit, we had no choice. Having your other health issues isn’t easy for you so I think you need a care plan to move forward,
I wonder if you could speak to your GP or mental health care team? You deserve to feel better and for someone to find the right treatment to help you. I can see you are trying to keep a lid on your feelings for the sake of your children but you need to talk and share your feelings as you must be exhausted.
There will be other mums here for you but if you need support later, the Samaritans are there 24/7 to talk on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. Be gentle with yourself and stay safe. 🌻
It’s Rachel here, I’m part of the Peer Support Team at Action on Postpartum Psychosis. I am so sorry to read your post and understand how very sad and frightened you must be feeling just now. What a really awful time you’ve had, I’m sorry.
Suicidal thoughts are really scary aren’t they, I know, as I had them too back in 2017 after I’d experienced PP. It really is so frightening and isolating. I am glad you felt able to share what you’re experiencing here with us. Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts. I hope that the reply from Lilybeth might have been of some comfort to you. As Lilybeth said, you’re really not alone.
I am so sorry to read that you feel like a burden, I am sure that you’re not. People like you, me and many others; sadly do sometimes get poorly and need time to get better. There is no shame in that, you are absolutely NOT a burden to anyone. You are a special Mummy who is very loved I’m sure of it. One day you’ll feel so much better and have overcome these experiences and continue to be a role model for your children, overcoming such darkness.
Whilst I have no doubt it felt really really hard for someone to have made a referral to family services, I am hopeful that their involvement also brought some support for you too? I know you said that you are finding it hard to talk about what you’re feeling just now, but perhaps you could read them what you’ve bravely written here and shared. I know that people would want to help. There will definitely be people who want to support you, but I do also understand it can feel like a huge thing to ask for help. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the drawings of the The Boy, The Mole, Fox and the Horse - by Charley Mackesy. He has one drawing in particular about bravery which I’ll try and find and share soon. It is brave to write here, it is brave to share and unload some of the feelings you’re experiencing. You should feel really proud of yourself for writing here.
Just now, are there things you might be able to do to help keep yourself safe - and perhaps support you in distracting you away from your troubling thoughts for you? Perhaps there’s a friend that might be able to chat with you? Or a relative that could be with you? I found lavender really calming when I was poorly and used an eye pillow and my favourite childhood story to help bring me some comfort. I’d try and listen so intently to every word of the audiobook. I know that sounds so stupid probably, but sometimes sensory things can help. Maybe you have a favourite food that you could smell? Or moisturiser you could put on your hands and sniff? I’ll pop a link to Mind’s website below for you, as they have some really useful tips and support for people struggling with hard thoughts such as suicide.
You can call Samaritans anytime, day and night. You’re not alone. They are there anytime, call: 116 123 or email Jo@samaritans.org. You can also call the NHS 111 number, or your GP tomorrow too. If you don’t feel safe at all, please do feel you can go to an A&E, they are there too to support in crisis or of course emergencies. I don’t know if you a mental health team supporting you just now, but if you do, hopefully you have some phone numbers written down for you that you can call.
Try not to worry about opening up your feelings, and telling people what you’re experiencing. I know that it really is so frightening and daunting. I felt so fearful about being misunderstood, but talking about things really did help me, and supported me in getting the right help. You can do this, we all believe in you. I hope you can get support for you and your lovely family together so that you may no longer be troubled by these sad feelings. They are feelings, temporary, and you can and will get better from this. Keep talking, and typing here if it helps. We’re all thinking of you.
thank you everyone for all the support I will struggle this week and next well especially as it’s coming up to my 1 year anniversary of pp and my little boy is turning 1 on Sunday I’ve been dreading it my normal support team is on leave and I find it hard trusting and speaking to new people from my team I just go to wait it all out a little longer and get through it also adjusting to new medication hasn’t been easy but thank you all so much
I hope you were able to sleep. 1 year on from pp isn’t long and you are very brave coping without your normal support team around. I had only been out of different psych units six months before my first son’s birthday. I remember trying to balance the trauma of pp with the joy of his birthday.
I understand how difficult it is but in spite of it all you have come through so much. Take very good care of yourself. …. we are all here for you 🌻
I’m very sorry to hear about the pain you’ve been in. I’m just commenting to say that you’re not alone and I have experienced this too, as have so many others here.
I’ve had awful evenings like that before, and have learned that one of the best and simplest things to do when you feel like that is to go to bed and sleep. Things almost always look a little better the next morning, and if not, your doctors need to know. Take your meds, get good sleep and food, and try to get outside if you can for a walk. Exercise helps tremendously. It can be hard to do with young kids but perhaps someone can go with you to push a stroller or watch them for a few minutes while you get out.
Hang in there. Your kids need you. This will pass, though it may take time. You can make it through this.
Hi there. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment big time. You say your son is going to be one soon I think you will find that your hormones will start to get back to normal as this is what happened to me and it was like a black cloud lifted so know it is going to be better and definitely you will not feel like this forever you will get better and this will be like a bad dream. If you are feeling low just take yourself off to bed and be kind to yourself know it is just a phase and you will get through it. We are all here for you. Take carex
those feelings of cheer devastation I can resonate with. Feelings of hopelessness and not being understood. It is tough when being in the dark, and not knowing how to break the ice, especially when feeling so lonely inside.
Yet, you've been breaking the ice and coming into the light, because your inner strengths is shown in your words and between the lines. You asked for help, you are reaching out and not fighting the battle on your own. Well done for your bravery!
Recovery takes a while...sometimes I am amazed by the immense vitality in trying to overcome this traumatic illness and then striving to get better. I was so poorly that I did not know about my baby and my brain was shutting down all my lived experiences when sectioned. Nevertheless, like all the other super mums I came out of the ditch.
My purpose always has been the wellbeing of my son (the same the way you describe the importance of nurturing your children), especially when feeling under the weather. It helps to focus on their well being. I used to teach my son and learn a lot via creative approaches combining all sorts of topics. Now he is a teenager and I support him with the silver DoE stuff, such as going on hikes or doing Karate together. Good fun.
For my own MH I pursue things, which keep me happy such as art, gardening, walks, yoga and meditation, journalising, Karate and Reiki, volunteering and learning via online learning services.
I use aroma therapy a lot and breathing techniques, when struggling with my anxiety issues.
Hope this helps a bit. Thinking of you at troubled times, keep on writing and communicating. I learnt only recently that there are wonderful people in my community, You just have to make the first step. I am authentic and say what I am struggling with.
We are all different, but there will be a path of recovery for you, too. And if it is PPP only, it won't take too long.
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Struggling again
Not again, please!
New mom diagnosed with pp
