struggling

[May83]

I suffered PPD in July 2016. This escalated to PPP in late 2016 into early 2017 due to ill mental health management. I then suffered severe depression and bonding was hard for the first 4 years of my youngest son’s life. One of my best friends had a baby boy 18months ago and I have struggled with guilt - cuddling him when i couldn’t do that for my son. Each milestone with him I missed with my son. I have distanced myself from my friend due to struggling so much. My other best friend has just had a baby girl - it’s starting again and this friend needs me. She has adhd and undiagnosed bipolar (I know as I have bipolar). I need to be able to support her and keep an eye on her mental health. I want to be a big part of both baby’s lives. Has anyone else struggled like this?

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello May83,

Thank you for reaching out here and welcome to the community.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your best friend having a baby, and the guilt you felt when your other friend had her baby. I think many of us have found it difficult when people close to us have had children, it can bring up so many mixed emotions on so many levels.

I think it’s important for you to look after yourself and protect yourself a bit if you feel it’s having, or might have, an impact on your mental health. Of course you want to be there for your friends though, and be in their lives. Have you tried to talk to them about how you feel and why you’ve felt you’ve had to distance yourself from your one friend as a result? It might help for them to know, so they’re aware of how much you care and want to be there but understand if there are times you need to step away?

Have you accessed, or are you accessing, any kind of therapy for yourself to work through your experiences and the feelings and emotions these events have been triggering? Hopefully others here will share things they have found helpful when dealing with similar situations.

Do you know if your friend who’s just had a baby has support in place to safeguard her mental health? Does she have a partner and know to reach out if she needs to? It’s great that you want to keep an eye on her but please don’t feel this is solely your responsibility. I know I worried desperately when friends were having babies not long after my experience of PP, but try not to let that worry consume you in any way, it’s important that you look after your own wellbeing too.

Take really good care of yourself, if there are things you know help to lift you or calm your mood, try and do something out of that ‘toolbox’ today. And know you can write here any time 💜

Sending very best wishes,

Jenny x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi May83, I think what you talking about in your post is a very normal reaction. I too find births of my close friends and family triggering. Jenny gives excellent advice in being honest with your friends and setting boundaries for you when you need to distance yourself, they will understand.

I would suggest informing your friend and also her partner about the early signs of pp, so they can be on the lookout for it. Do look after yourself and it is healthy to set a boundary. You are not being a bad friend, and don't feel the whole responsibility on you it can be too much.

Take good care, do look after yourself

Maria