I suffered PPD in July 2016. This escalated to PPP in late 2016 into early 2017 due to ill mental health management. I then suffered severe depression and bonding was hard for the first 4 years of my youngest son’s life. One of my best friends had a baby boy 18months ago and I have struggled with guilt - cuddling him when i couldn’t do that for my son. Each milestone with him I missed with my son. I have distanced myself from my friend due to struggling so much. My other best friend has just had a baby girl - it’s starting again and this friend needs me. She has adhd and undiagnosed bipolar (I know as I have bipolar). I need to be able to support her and keep an eye on her mental health. I want to be a big part of both baby’s lives. Has anyone else struggled like this?
struggling : I suffered PPD in July... - Action on Postpar...
struggling
Hello May83,
Thank you for reaching out here and welcome to the community.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your best friend having a baby, and the guilt you felt when your other friend had her baby. I think many of us have found it difficult when people close to us have had children, it can bring up so many mixed emotions on so many levels.
I think it’s important for you to look after yourself and protect yourself a bit if you feel it’s having, or might have, an impact on your mental health. Of course you want to be there for your friends though, and be in their lives. Have you tried to talk to them about how you feel and why you’ve felt you’ve had to distance yourself from your one friend as a result? It might help for them to know, so they’re aware of how much you care and want to be there but understand if there are times you need to step away?
Have you accessed, or are you accessing, any kind of therapy for yourself to work through your experiences and the feelings and emotions these events have been triggering? Hopefully others here will share things they have found helpful when dealing with similar situations.
Do you know if your friend who’s just had a baby has support in place to safeguard her mental health? Does she have a partner and know to reach out if she needs to? It’s great that you want to keep an eye on her but please don’t feel this is solely your responsibility. I know I worried desperately when friends were having babies not long after my experience of PP, but try not to let that worry consume you in any way, it’s important that you look after your own wellbeing too.
Take really good care of yourself, if there are things you know help to lift you or calm your mood, try and do something out of that ‘toolbox’ today. And know you can write here any time 💜
Sending very best wishes,
Jenny x
Thank you Jenny and sorry for only now replying- after speaking with you today and you reminding me of this page I logged back in and found messages. Is there a way of getting notifications when messages are sent please? I have spoken to both of my friends and they have both been totally understanding and considerate of my feelings. Thank you for our chat today x
Hi May83,
Don’t worry at all 
If you go to ‘menu’ and ‘email preferences’ you can select what notifications you receive by email (including if someone replies to something you’ve written), which should hopefully help if you don’t come onto the forum regularly.
I’m really glad to hear you spoke to your friends and they were understanding.
It was lovely to chat today. Do write here any time and we have a UK cafe group over Zoom every couple of months if you’d find it helpful to join one of those - the next one will be in November.
Best wishes,
Jenny x
Can you please give me the details of the zoom cafe in Nov? I would like to join it I think x
Hi May83, I think what you talking about in your post is a very normal reaction. I too find births of my close friends and family triggering. Jenny gives excellent advice in being honest with your friends and setting boundaries for you when you need to distance yourself, they will understand.
I would suggest informing your friend and also her partner about the early signs of pp, so they can be on the lookout for it. Do look after yourself and it is healthy to set a boundary. You are not being a bad friend, and don't feel the whole responsibility on you it can be too much.
Take good care, do look after yourself
Maria
Thank you Maria. I have felt a huge responsibility and I was finding it all consuming. The guilt, the ptsd, the worry and fear, it was all too much and still is at times. I’ve reached out through the nhs for a ptsd assessment to see if I can get some nhs funded counselling. Thank you for your kind words. X Do you know, whilst on here, if there’s an internet/online cafe that members can just chat about things like this? I think it would help x
Hi May83,
Yes, there are regional and UK national online cafes where we get together and talk about our experience or share whatever has been going on with us recently. There are also in person meet ups per region when you feel up to it and if there is one nearby you. You can find the information on this page, with a list of the upcoming cafe groups:
app-network.org/get-help/pe...
I am glad that you reached out for a PTSD assessment and to have some psychology, I hope it all gets arranged very soon for you.
Take good care,
Maria
Hi Maria
Sadly there are no face to face cafes running nr me. I would love to be part of setting one up though - is this something that is possible?
Oh it's a shame that there are no regional cafes near you, still the UK wide online cafe runs very regularly, so that can be an opportunity to meet up. Come to the next one and have a taste for how it is.
Take really good care,
Maria
Hello May83, I am so sorry you have suffered with the awful illness of Postpartum Psychosis. I am so very glad that you found this forum, it and APP were of immeasurable support to me and my daughter. You ask about a chat cafe, if you go to: app-network.org/. You will find details of all the Peer Support and other support APP can offer including Cafe meet up groups on line and in person. You are doing so well reaching out for help in this way and also considering counselling. As you can tell from the brave replies you have had, you are not alone in your feelings. You are obviously a very kind empathetic person wanting to help your friends which is a lovely thing but as others have said do try and share your feelings and protect your boundaries for your own health. CBT may be helpful to you, they teach that though it is good to be kind and helpful as you are, not everything is not your responsibility. If you think of any situation as a big pizza, then your friend has a piece, perhaps a Partner, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother other Friends and family, a Doctor, Midwife, Health Visitor, then perhaps your piece of the pizza may not need to be as big as you think, it’s a sharing thing which I think I/we can sometimes forget when in the midst of an anxious time. This is something I have had to learn I hope it is of a little help.
You have been through so much, take care of kind you too, then you can continue to be the faithful friend you obviously are.
With warm best wishes
Judith x
Thank you so much Judith. I hope your daughter is well now. I didn’t know about APP when I was ill so I’m pleased you did and it helped you both. I really like the pizza analogy and it is something I need to remember- I will try. I know it is important to look after myself and will remember that too.
Thank you again and I wish you and your daughter well x
Dear May83, I hope you and those you love are doing ok. In reply yes thank you my daughter is well her illness was over seven years now. I know that she and anyone who has had this or other traumatic illness try to take care of their health and protect themselves, as much as is possible, from what they know to be possible triggers. I am sorry that there isn’t a meet up cafe near you. Perhaps you could, as you said, set one up when you feel strong enough, I do not know how you would go about it but maybe there is someone you could contact on the APP website. It would be a miracle wouldn’t it if just one person had all the answers, all the more important then that there are Mums, with the empathy of lived experience, bravely and kindly sharing when they feel able, as they do on the forum and at the cafe meet ups. A problem shared as they say, not always halved perhaps but eased maybe and we all have to be reminded sometimes as to what is good for us, even when we are old, I certainly do.
Love and best wishes to you and yours
Judith x
Struggling today x
Family History
Psychotic symptoms or OCD?
Daughter being induced Friday 6th April!
what to expect when deciding to have another baby
