Im terrified of developing PPP

hello, im new to this forum.. i just want to clear up i appreciate anyone suffering with the awful illness and i do not intend on insulting anyone who is going through this.

This is a long one so ill be really thankful for anyone who replies.

Im 24weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, ive never suffered with PPD/PPP, but for years i have suffered with anxiety, you could say im an overthinker.. i think of the worst scenarios possible always! Ive had CBT therapy and always overcome my anxieties. Ive always had a terrible fear of losing grip on reality, harming myself or any loved ones, this resulted in me having intrusive thoughts, alot of 'what ifs' the fear of becoming psychotic/schizophrenic crippled me! I feared having anymore children just to avoid the risk of ppd and ppp, it sounds ridiculous i know.

Ive been clear of any anxieties for 4+ years, i learnt a lot on how to deal with the intrusive thoughts. As i say im pregnant with my 3rd child, when i found out i was pregnant i was overjoyed, BUT two weeks after finding out i also found out that my partner of 12 years had been cheating, i was crushed. I was torn on what to do for the best regarding the pregnancy, i was considering terminating the pregnancy i thought i wouldnt of been able to cope. I decided against the termination and have been dealing with all the stress of my fiances actions. (I think this has been the trigger for me) long story short.. im now terrified im not going to be able to cope once the baby arrives, things are already difficult for me right now & i obviously know babies bring alot more stress/sleepless nights, my anxiety has spiked and im worrying myself sick thinking im going to develope ppd/ppp its making it so hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy and be happy, the psychosis fear is rearing its ugly head up and making it hard for me to just shake it of. Im honestly terrified im going to cause myself to slip into ppp. I know ppp is rare and affects 1/2 out of 1000 women & i know it has something to do with a sudden drop in hormones after birth. I have no immediate family members with any mental health issues, i obviously suffer with anxiety, but never been diagnosed with anything. I just need reassurance. I know i can fight off my intrusive thoughts but the thought of ppp is honestly making me unhappy. Horrible thoughts of losing grip on reality, losing my family, losing myself. Im terrified! Always thinking my anxieties are going to cause me to slip into psychosis.

Thank you for reading! And im sorry for the long story

[hgallo Volunteer]

Hi JLillie, welcome to the forum. Congrats on your pregnancy. I'm sorry to hear you're felling anxious. I had pp after the birth of my twin girls in 2016. I had no previous mh history so it was out of the blue for me. But people with bipolar or who've had previous episodes are at increased risk of developing it. And as you said that doesn't apply to you, so that's a plus.

You said you've had anxiety for a while. What helps you calm those thoughts when you get them? I can't promise you won't get pp but in all probability it is unlikely. And I had it, and got through it. As did a lot of ladies at APP. It is a horrible but temporary illness and people do recover from it.

Are you in touch with a GP or therapist? They should be able to help you with your anxiety, techniques etc. Also there should be info on the Mind website about help with anxiety.

Thanks for reaching out to us. Try and put the bad thoughts to bed for now if you can. There's help out there I promise, xx

[Gem169]

Hey JLillie, I have some definite similarities here, sat here at 31 weeks pregnant and also worried my own anxiety about getting ill may not be helping. I have had PPP and saw the consultant only yesterday. The advice I can take from that is the most important thing is to look after yourself, try to limit stress and take life at a slower pace. Ive started to keep life really basic, embrace some of things I love in life a bit more. Ive joined pregnancy yoga and met a few nice mums and practicing some relaxation techniques too Leaving the chores a bit longer and book in some fun with the kiddies/friend. Ive kickstarted and started to enjoy getting ready for baby, instead of putting it off and dreading it. You can definitely voice your worries with your midwife and they should tag you to a mental health midwife if they are concerned, which may be reassuring. Also try to think about it as a phase, I was anxious only a couple of weeks ago around my little one starting school and I immediately assumed i’d triggered something big and that it wasn’t going to die down, but it has. Understanding what you’ve been through, its quite right you feel as you do, but it doesn’t mean to say it will impact the future. Just let yourself work through it piece by piece at your own pace and you will get yourself in a better place ready to welcome the little one Just really hard to believe right now, I know. Keep us updated on how you are doing xx

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi JLillie,

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I am sorry to hear you are suffering from anxiety at the moment, it is so hard you have not been able to enjoy this pregnancy as a result of your personal situation and the worries this has caused you.

Are you being supported by a perinatal mental health midwife at the moment? It may be the time to raise how you are feeling with the professionals following your pregnancy as they could offer you more dedicated support. When I was pregnant with my second baby (I had pp with my first) I found the extra midwifery support invaluable.

I am so sorry to hear about your fiancée's actions and how they must have added so much to the stress you experience at the moment. Do you have some support from family members that could step in for childcare duties and allow you time now to regain some internal peace? If that is not possible, then perhaps, is it possible to utilise the time when the children are not at home or after their bed time?

You mention you have received counselling in the past. Have you explored the option of doing therapy now? Not so much for getting tools to manage your anxiety which you already have, but perhaps more to explore the recent causes behind it and how you can start healing from it.

I think you are being very sensible in reaching out for help as it sounds like you could do with some extra support to lower the overwhelming stress you feel at the moment.

Please do let us know how you are getting on, take good care

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Hidden , thank you for reaching out to us. It can be daunting to reach out and reveal information about your personal life and you have reached out and done this, so thank you for sharing this. Sharing this and talking about this means you are looking for a solution and trying to take action to resolve your situation. I hope your situation resolves soon. But want to reassure you that this is a big step in the right direction.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and hope that overtime you will be okay. You have been so open and honest about your feelings and this is great. I would suggest you speak openly like this when you contact either your GP, midwife or health visitor. Whoever you feel the most comfortable speaking with. Following this you should hopefully be offered some invaluable support.

It might be worth looking into anxiety focused classes in your area or anxiety support groups. You could find these online or ask your health visitor/GP for some recommendations. If you wanted a conversation with us we are also happy to speak with you.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy and join mum support groups to get into the zone of preparing for a third child. I'm sure it will be a fruitful experience. I too went through anxiety mine being post baby and I want you to know you will get through this ❤️

[Hidden]

hgallo Gem169 Maria_at_APP

Good morning guys

Thank you so much for your replies ☺

I do have a lot of support around me & I'm definitely going to voice my concerns to my midwife, reaching out helps me out a lot. Its on my notes that I've had previous anxiety & the midwife hasn't said much about it.

When i actually sit down & rationalise it i know its my anxiety making it all seem worse, deep down i know its highly unlikely. Even though its rare but still a possibility is enough to keep this fear alive.

I know anxiety already makes you feel like your losing your mind, when i feared the thought of becoming schizophrenic i became so aware of everything i was doing "am i acting odd, is this/that real, am i hearing things" ect.. it was awful. The thought of becoming like that again terrifies me.

I'm already dreading the postpartum first couple of weeks because i know ill be questioning everything "am i ok, am losing grip on reality, am i acting out of character, a lot of what ifs" if i dont develope PPP im convinced my anxiety and intrusive thoughts will send me into a psychosis break down, especially with just having a baby & my hormones dropping feel like its inevitable.

Just want to be back to my normal happy self again & enjoy this pregnancy xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello JLillie,

I just wanted to add to the great replies you’ve already had.

It sounds really scary to have those anxieties and intrusive thoughts centred around psychosis. I’m sorry these anxieties have returned, and for your situation with your partner and the impact it’s having on being able to enjoy your pregnancy.

Getting some basic information about the symptoms of postpartum psychosis is helpful for anyone who is pregnant so they can get help quickly if they do become unwell. Information about symptoms can be found on our website: app-network.org/what-is-pp/

However I wonder, when you are struggling so much with anxieties and fears about psychosis, whether reading a lot of information and stories about postpartum psychosis may increase your anxieties and preoccupations about getting psychosis even more? I hope that you can reach a stage where you feel at peace knowing the risk of PP is very low (with no previous or family history, the risk is around 0.1%) but also knowing there is support out there if you did become unwell postpartum.

I think it is really important that you get support to manage your anxieties, as it sounds like they are really impacting you. Please do reach out for that support - talking to your midwife about your anxiety and concerns is a great next step. There are also organisations you could reach out to specifically with regard to perinatal anxiety – there is information on the Mind website that may be helpful to you: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

I hope this helps. I do hope you can get a support network around you and some professional support and reassurance via your midwife to help you through the pregnancy. And I do hope you can reach a place of being able to enjoy the months ahead 😊

Sending you very best wishes,

Jenny x

[Hidden in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

hello and thank you for your reply! Every reply ive had has already eased my anxiety. Im almost 25 weeks pregnant and i see my midwife again at 28 weeks. This is me in a nutshell, i just let my mind run wild with the worst possible scenarios. Realistically i know my risk is very very low! Its just the 'what ifs' and the ruminating that crucifies me! & when i get stuck in that high state of anxiety thats when i begin to struggle and the intrusive thoughts show up! I try to educate myself on pp but in return it does make me worse because i find myself reading stories and scaring myself silly! When i read other peoples symptoms i then start telling myself i d have them!

The fear of it is just awful, & when in that anxiety state it all just feels so real! I do manage to calm myself down and just let it all be!

Is it possible to worry yourself so much that i can make myself become psychotic im the postpartum stage?

I also know seeking for reassurance doesnt help the anxieties but i just need it!

The moment i found out i had anxiety is the moment i feared mental health!

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Hidden]

Hi JLillie,

I’m so glad the replies here are helping to ease your anxieties, it sounds awful for you. I don’t think you can worry yourself into a postpartum psychosis, but anxiety itself can be so debilitating - it’s definitely worth trying to get some support to help you manage those anxieties during your pregnancy and beyond. Keep talking to your midwife and others around you, I think it’s good to voice those thoughts and fears and hopefully take some power out of them? There are some good resources out there to help understand intrusive thoughts which I can share here if it might be helpful? It’s good you manage to calm yourself down when in that highly anxious state so hopefully you already have some techniques that work for you, but it sounds really horrible it getting to that state of fear and feeling so real.

Look after yourself and do reach out to your midwife sooner than your next appointment if you’re struggling.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Toto2345]

Hi there.

Share your concerns with your OB/GYN or GP. Anxiety can be crippling!! Your concerns and fears are valid. However, they might get in the way of you sufficiently taking care of yourself and your children......... share this with your support system as well!

I hope GPs don't minimize such concerns as "normal mom anxiety".

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi JLillie,

I am glad talking here is helping and you are very self aware of your state of mind and already know what is helpful and what is not so much.

If I could pass on a little bit of advice from my psychiatrist when he diagnosed me with pp 4 years ago. He told me, right now don't google postpartum psychosis, it is more informative to read the fact checked information on the app website. Jenny has already very kindly provided you with some useful links where you can find honest and accurate information about it. I think it is so important to be informed and aware of early warning signs, I believe it is something that should be discussed in ante natal classes for example. However, the stigma that still surrounds severe mental health illness tends to morbidly sensationalise it.

I experienced anxiety after having pp, about not being able to trust myself anymore. And I do believe that in my case my anxiety was a product of the shame and guilt I associated to having experienced a severe mental illness. How I had previously so wrongly believed that mental illness was down to an individual's flaw. Finding this wonderful community of mothers and learning that what I went through was not mine nor anyone's fault, to truly forgive myself, set me off onto the path of healing. I certainly do not want to project my own experience onto you, as we are so different and individual, I just wrote it down here in the off chance anything may resonate for you.

I am very glad you are planning to voice your concerns on your next appointment. There is for sure help out there, and I do hope you are able to access it, so you start feeling more like yourself and can look forward to meeting your baby.

Take good care

[Hidden in reply to Maria_at_APP]

thank you for sharing part of your story to me, thinking back to when i last had the horrible anxiety episode i know its my anxiety becasue the same thoughts and feelings are whats happening right now..

Id hate to insult anyone that has been through the illness, its not just the the thought of having pp that scares me, anything that could result in pp or schizophrenia just absolutely terrifies me its the whole horror stories you read around it. My biggest concern (like it was in the past) is me driving myself to insanity. Noticing the similarities of what im thinking or feeling right now kinda gives me peace because i know its my anxiety fuelling the thoughts! Ive been through all this before i think im just more worried because of the fact im pregnant & even though theres a 0.1% risk (very unlikely) i just think that coupled with my anxiety & the relationship stress i had right at the beginning of my first trimester, i can't help but think that puts me at a higher risk.. i literally put 1 + 1 together & come up with 9 😅🙈

Hoping all you ladies are well xx

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Lillie,

how are you today? Big and little man just left for work and school.

You have had some lovely reassuring responses.

I have had PPP in 2010 and was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2018. Fear and anxiety have been part of having this chronical illness. My experience is based on mental illness, thus very different to your situation. However, I can give you some coping strategies, which is relaxing for you and your babe in your tummy.

- gentle exercises, such as yoga for pregnancy is great, and or going swimming, or walk and nature has such peaceful effect on body, mind and soul

- I meditate daily. I have been doing it for many years and mine is very much focused on Tibetan Buddhism and Reiki Meditation, but you can upload so much nowadays and even access sessions...maybe start with the "mindfulness of breathing"...those techniques will be of benefit when giving birth. "Chakra balancing music" is wonderful, too.

- Talking about your experiences, happy & fearful moments help tremendously...whether it is via health professional support or talking to loved ones, friends and/or family member you can confine in. Or finding groups within the community, women who are in the same boat as you are.

- Another way of expression is journalising...I've done it for my son. In fact, I am still writing diaries for my son. He is 12 now I have been painting a few pictures during pregnancy and they are of great sentimental value to me.

- Instead of mind racing one has to focus on activities. I tidy, I download training courses, which suit my interest...I love "centre of excellence" and did my first Reiki Master there beside a professional qualification in art therapy and in a way extended my self-help toolkit, because my agora and social phobia is not curable, but coping mechanisms keep those fears at bay. What would you like to pursue?

- I definitively cut off social media, especially when hitting a low.

- I ask for help when needed and often get accompanied, if I go out into crowds. When stressed and feeling poorly I have to allow myself time out.

Please, bear in mind that my situation to yours is very different, but strategies maybe adaptable for you...

My routine is out of sync now, but I am in acceptance with that as I have hopefully helped you a bit...I will now meditate and do my yoga...I believe my cats have brought a mouse into the kitchen (I get those presents). I rather stay in the living room for my practice

Enjoy your special time, babies love classical music and being spoken, too in a mellow gentle way or singing...

[Hidden in reply to Pikorua]

hello Pikorua

Im doing ok, i have my moments of fear but i do manage it, im still waiting to see my midwife to express my concerns to her.

For as long as i can rember ive always been a hypochondriac, for example, when i was a teen if i had a headache, i wiykd convince myself i had a brain tumer & i would cry and get worked up for weeks about it. Any health issue i thought i had it then once i learned about real mental health issues i became so consumed and terrified of becoming depressed, schizophrenic & psychotic. These fears sill haunt me, but with talking therapy i manged to deal with the intrusive thoughts (intrusive thoughts related to my mental health fears) im normally really good at dismissing the anxiety and thoughts but that 0.1% chance of ppp honestly consumes me and riddles my mind with anxiety to the point it makes me sad & unhappy! Hence how i ended up here talking to you lovely lot 🤍 i dont think ive ever had depression, i mean my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have for real made me sad and made me not feel like myself but im sure thats normal due to have scary the thoughts are! But educating myself on the intrusive thoughts helped me massively.

I know my risk is very low & i am in general a really happy outgoing 30 year old. Buy when consumed with anxiety and awful thoughts its very hard to rationalise and get yourself back on track. Anxiety already makes me feel like im on the edge of losing grip with reality and my mind completely. So with already then feelings comes the "what if you drive yourself completely crazy"

Im very open to everyone with how i feel.. ive done yoga in the past and i already exercise. Im mostly always on the go with work and mu other two children.

Im really excited for the arrival of my 3rd daughter 💓 but im also very fearful of my mind telling im going to slip into PPP so in return the anxiety tells me im not happy! Im just letting all these thoughts come and go and sitting peacefully through the uncertainty & just crack on with my life! I know its all fear based and i know fear is a very powerful emotion!

Ive always overcome my anxiety and intrusive thoughts its been almost 5 years ive been free of them so hopefully this is just a phase for me that i will also overcome!

I really appreciate the time you have taken to message me and share your story & the coping techniques. Ill be sure to post again once ive spoken to my midwife about my concerns recently troubling me xx

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi JLillie,

Just wondering how you are doing and hoping your anxiety has not interfered too much in your life last week. I think you may have a midwife appointment coming up soon, I do hope she can offer you some help for your anxiety. I believe it is more important to convey to them the fact that this is affecting your day to day so much, rather than just looking for reassurance because as you have said above reassurance is not so helpful for the anxious thoughts.

Thinking of you, take really good care

[Hidden in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to check in, thats really sweet!

Im doing ok, my anxiety and worries are still there but its manageable.. i see my midwife on the 21st & of course ill still be expressing my concerns to her. But other than that im just plodding on letting my anxiety be & trying not to attach any emotional feelings to my anxieties! Ive got this, i know i have 🤍

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator in reply to Hidden]

You have got this Hidden , keep going ❤️

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Hidden]

So glad to read your update, fantastic! Take really good care, so well done