Feeling down :(

Hi everyone, hope everyone is feeling better than me! I've got myself into a down mood due to hurtful comments made by my Mum over tea. Generally she mocks me about being unsociable, mainly only going out to walk my dog, she also makes demeaning comments about the fact I am unemployed and the rest of the family are employed/in full time education. She criticises me constantly, even checking how I've put clothes on the drying rack!

But when I try to talk to her about it she see's it as an attack and goes on the defensive and makes more nasty comments. My family know about my anxiety disorder but its never talked about, sometimes I feel my Mum thinks there's nothing actually wrong with me and I'm just being dramatic. I am treated by my whole family as difficult, boring and open to being mocked and belittled.

No one has tried to understand my disorder, and keep making it worse, for me I dont like surprises and my Mum is always springing things on me, like so and so is going to be coming round etc. this Friday my little sister is having a party, she's 15 and a bit of a wild child, I have to leave the house with my elderly dog (whose heart isn't great and doesn't need the stress of people and noise) this is filling me with panic, her friends are fully capable of going into my room and rummaging round or using the bed, if you catch my drift!

Right now I am petrified of the future, all my live I've just taken the natural next step, secondary school, then college, then uni, now there isn't a natural next step, I dont know what employment wouldn't make me panic and I desperately dont want to go back on jobseekers allowance. I need my family more than ever but I feel hurt, demeaned and disrespected.

I want a home that is an escape for me, a haven or sanctuary, living with outgoing teens means we have a constant stream of people coming through the door, living me tense, never knowing who's going to be in the house. I dont understand why my family would make comments to me that ae just nasty, this Christmas just gone I was sitting at the kitchen table writing out christmas cards for my friends, my Mum walks in and says ' I'm surprised you've got any friends to send christmas cards to', this took my breath away with its nastiness, she stays in every night, has limited amount of friends she barely sees.

I know I am a huge disappointment and not living the life she thinks I should be i.e. travelling, full time job, partying on the weekend. Part of me wants that but my anxiety debilitates me. Just wondered whether anyone has any advice?

19 Replies

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  • your mum sounds like a cow im sorry for saying that mine was the same until she remarried

    I was the akward child, difficult not like my brother the favourite

    I was given the jobs to do in the house because i wasnt working, I have worked and still do part time

    My dad was a bully and then i was raped in a hotel i was working in but wasnt allowed to talk about it

    I hope you find a way out

  • Hi knowles8586, thank you for your reply, your experience sounds absolutely horrific, I hope you've managed to overcome your horrible experience. It sounds like you really understand what I'm going through, like me you have a sibling who you are compared against, which can be the most disheartening thing ever.

  • Hi

    This will not be helping your anxiety or helping your confidence

    Family can be a funny thing & there is a saying "you cant pick your family , but you can pick your friends "

    My dad is one of those people who says hurtful things , I am 50 , he is 77 , yet he can still bring me to tears at times

    Over the years though I have come to realise , he has the problem , not me & it also made me make sure I was the total opposite to how he was , & when ever I can say kind words to people I do , so I think it made me a better person in the end , I try to turn a negative into a positive when I can

    You sound sensitive , by nature & your family don't , but you are a better person , believe me

    Have you been to see your GP & see if there is any help , maybe counselling ?

    You don't have to tell your family if you are worried about their comments , but it may be a big help to get counselling

    I had a older sister , who could do nothing wrong in my Dads eyes , it never worked trying to live up to his expectations , nothing I could or would do would have been good enough anyway

    As time has gone on though , I don't care now , I accept me & realise I am ok , everyone is different , as long as we do the best we can , that's all that matters

    Sending you a big (((((((hug)))))))))))))

    Keep talking on here

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Hi whywhy, you're absolutely right, living in this environment is limiting the amount of improvement I can achieve with my anxiety. I luckily have some great friends, a lot of who did a psych degree like me and so have a good understanding of mental illness. I am going now to try and think that it is their problem and not mine, I'd much rather be myself than like them. I am on citalopram and have been for four years, I am hesitant to go back to my GP because my doctors are truly awful, they are all locums so I can never see the same Doctor. They want me out of their consulting room as quickly as possible and have only ever offered my medication and no other form of support, they are heavily reluctant to do this. Also, I have an irrational fear of them sending me into some kind of institution, this fear comes from when I was 13 and had anorexia ( as a result of my anxiety, I had no desire to be thin!) I was threatened by my Doctor with being put in a clinic if I didn't gain weight in a week and he proceeded to fire questions at me like, are you on drugs, are you having sex etc. He even shouted at my Mum when she started crying!

  • It is like you say an irrational fear , they wouldn't put you in a institution , but I no when we have a fear it feels real

    Your GP 's doesn't sound very good at all

    Is there any chance of changing surgeries ?

    Keep talking on here , this can be your on line family , we understand

    xxxxx

  • Sorry you are getting that from your family. Its unfortunately a very common story. I was always a disappointment to my mother. I still am I think but the difference is I don't care any more and haven't for many years. But I am a lot older than you. I don't know how feasible this is but you need to find people in your life who accept you for you, Maybe when you leave home you will.

    I think your family sound frustrated with you and just can't deal with it. Your mother's way of showing love is to try and help you but she is going about it the wrong way. My mother was the same. She is showing love in the only way she can - and I think you will just have to accept that thats the way she is and the rest of the family too. We would all love a family who is understanding and kind but most of us don't have that. I still don't at my age. But I do have friends who love and understand me. Thats what you have to aim for. After all we can't pick our family but thank goodness we can pick our friends!

    When I made my own life and showed I wasn't going to be picked on and bullied any more my mother and to a point the rest of the family showed me much more respect.

    Good luck. Come back anytime you need to. We all understand and care here.

    Bev xx

  • Hi Bev, thank you for replying. You are right my Mum loves me but is going about it the wrong way! Really I need my own place, but am unemployed and cant afford it. I'm sure if I did get some distance things could improve. I am lucky to have great friends but most of them are several hours away, now uni has finished and I cant afford the travel so I'm relying on texting at the moment! When my Mum made hurtful comments before I used to just say nothing, now I do say something so I think thats a step in the right direction, but sadly I dont think she will change.xxx

  • hey real sorry to hear this, it must be awful, it's bad enough when people don't understand that we have an illness must be worse when they bully you because of it....

    Why why is right when she talks about who has the problem, it is your mum who has the problem to treat you this way..I would suggest you get all the help you can possibly get..check out groups,councillors etc on the Internet . Talk to your Dr ask if they know of places /groups you can join to help...I know it's difficult and as you know I don't find it easy to motivate myself, but when I have a good day that's when I set about doing a few things to help...I use the good days as much as I can.....

    You don't deserve to be treated like that..

    Lots of love to you

    Sue x x x x

  • Hi Sue, I genuinely believe my Mum thinks nothing is wrong with me, I'm just being dramatic! Sometimes I wish I could make her feel the way I do for a day! I am hesitant to see my GP ( I've put the reasons in my reply to whywhy!) I struggle with motivation too, my Mum sees this as laziness but I dont believe I am lazy at all, its just harder for me to motivate myself than it is for 'normal' people. I have had an OK day today and was as proactive as I could be. I just think I need distance from my family to heal the hurt and accept them as they are but being unemployed I cant afford my own place for a long time to come! Love xxxxx

  • Hi there,

    You have some great responses from the lovely people on here, and you know what the problems are...at least you got some great support here and it's what you deserve!! You are doing your best, and you are intelligent.

    I am sorry you had a bad experience with Drs so far, my advice is don't give up on it,,,it's your life and if you need help they should help you...write down what you want maybe that would help the fear of getting tongue tied can make things come out all wrong..be persistent is my advice...easy to say I know when we have no motivation...but please try you deserve a little help...maybe they have a different Dr you could try, don't let them fob you off..

    I wish you well, keep writing and stay in touch xxxx

  • I agree with the above. Try and find out groups that can help you. Go to your GP and they may be able to offer some help and put you onto people who will understand how you feel.It's very hard for others to understand how we feel but your family don't sound as if they are trying or maybe they just don't know how to deal with it . That's no excuse to demaen or bully you though. Please go to your GP, there is help out there for you. All the very best . xx

  • Hi Jeffju, thanks for the reply. As my reply to whywhy says I am hesitant to go to my GP because of their utter ineptitude and previous traumatic experiences but I think I'll have to push myself and insist on more help. Thank you again xxx

  • I am the mother of a 32 yr old who sounds VERY like you. He has just called me a nagging old witch. He says I constantly criticise him. I don't mean to. I am terrified that he will not have a happy life. My mother was not nice and I have spent the last 32 years trying to do the right thing for my lad - even using all my inheritance to buy him a flat. However, I am obviously not getting it right. What I am trying to say is that your mother is probably as scared as me and is trying all ways to get you going. If she's like me she will have tried being nice and nasty. I am 'booked in' for a chat with my son this afternoon to talk this out. I can only suggest you have a long and deep chat with your mum, outlining the life you want to have and coming to some agreement over how you can achieve at least some of it. Life is hard and us mums are frantic for our kids if they aren't getting the life we think they should have. But we could be mega wrong and maybe our kids don't want the life we perceive as the right one. Try to meet some middle ground because no-one benefits from hassle with our mum - I know that for sure after my relationship with mine.

    I agree that seeing a GP and getting some help is a good idea. You may, along with your mum, find that a professional could hit on a basic problem which can be sorted. You could try for social housing and be independent. If my lad didn't have his flat, he would have done that. He is on benefits most of the time - since leaving uni he only gets part time temp work.

    He manages, and it is a lot better that he doesn't have to put up with me and my life! He does have mild Aspergers Syndrome, as do I. I'm not suggesting that you have this, but many people have similar personality traits and it can help if all involved explore ways to get support. It's a long road, but you are entitled to walk along it - with your dog too.

    Don't worry about the future, get 'now' done first. Life is a lottery, so there is no need to try and plan the next year even. The most 'successful' people often find that they took the wrong path, so why rush along it?

    I bet she loves you to bits really - you don't have to understand someone to love them.

    I wish you everything you could want for your future, love. Just as I do for my son. (I don't know if you are a lad or a lass). xxxx

    ps. I do think you have the right to privacy in your own room and should be able to prevent anyone else from using it. That would drive me round the bend! One's own space is a right.

    Blimey, I've gone on a bit! a lot!

  • Hi bonkerswoman, thank you for the reply. It's good to hear from a mothers perspective. I know she loves me I just wish she would accept me as me instead of trying to change me all the time.I dont want to miss out on anything in life, but I need to sort my anxiety out first. I need to get some distance I think. My sister is brilliant at giving me a place to go when I need a break. I hope you and your sons relationship improves and that the talk went well today, the fact you are willing to sit down and really talk about your feelings makes you very different from my Mum! xxx

  • My father always critisised & belittled me my whole life. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. My mother colluded in all this by reaining silent & looking the other way. I dealt with their behavour by leaving home as soon as I was legally old enough, & distanced myself from them as much as possible, but then I got stick for not keeping in touch. By the time they both died I was no longer on speaking terms with them, & that suited me fine. I think that if your family give you that much grief, you`d be better off without them, & should cut them out of your life.

  • Hi hairyfairy, thanks for your reply. I can tell you know exactly how I feel, for me its the other way round, my Mum criticises and my Dad sits by and watches. I need distance from them but being unemployed this wont be possible for a while.

  • I also have trouble with my family so totally understand where your coming from. Again I'm older than you but my dad always puts me on a guilt trip.

    I have been told by my bereavement counsellor to distance myself away from people that only cause me more pain and this hasn't gone down well with my sister.

    I am different to them i.e. my dad's attitude to me complaining to the hospital is that it won't bring my husband back. I don't want other people to go through what we went through and my dad's reply was 'why should you care about other people' that's the difference between me and the rest of my family - I care about others.

    I am very sensitive to peoples thoughts and feelings and I always put others before myself. I am 54 and have to accept that I need to be able to do things for me, which is going to be really hard.

    Hugs to you. xx

  • Hi tinks, I think you are absolutely right in complaining to the hospital. I am also quite a sensitive person and I like people to think well of me, you definitely need to put yourself first right now and allow yourself to heal. Hugs xxx

  • try to move out and get your own space. Keep in touch with your friends they are a lifeline try to see less of your Mother if she is so negative and bringing you down all the time you dont need it. I can identify so much with you about my Mother nothing or no one is ever good enough .So now I SEE AS LITTLE OF HER AS POSSIBLE. nO ONE WANTS TO VISIT HER ANY MORE. You only need your own approval that you are a good loving person turn all the negative comments around and bat them back at people. Its hard to stand up for yourself when you are feeling low. Surround yourself with positive people and maybe attend an anxiety support group if you can find one. All the best

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