Hi everyone, hope everyone is feeling better than me! I've got myself into a down mood due to hurtful comments made by my Mum over tea. Generally she mocks me about being unsociable, mainly only going out to walk my dog, she also makes demeaning comments about the fact I am unemployed and the rest of the family are employed/in full time education. She criticises me constantly, even checking how I've put clothes on the drying rack!
But when I try to talk to her about it she see's it as an attack and goes on the defensive and makes more nasty comments. My family know about my anxiety disorder but its never talked about, sometimes I feel my Mum thinks there's nothing actually wrong with me and I'm just being dramatic. I am treated by my whole family as difficult, boring and open to being mocked and belittled.
No one has tried to understand my disorder, and keep making it worse, for me I dont like surprises and my Mum is always springing things on me, like so and so is going to be coming round etc. this Friday my little sister is having a party, she's 15 and a bit of a wild child, I have to leave the house with my elderly dog (whose heart isn't great and doesn't need the stress of people and noise) this is filling me with panic, her friends are fully capable of going into my room and rummaging round or using the bed, if you catch my drift!
Right now I am petrified of the future, all my live I've just taken the natural next step, secondary school, then college, then uni, now there isn't a natural next step, I dont know what employment wouldn't make me panic and I desperately dont want to go back on jobseekers allowance. I need my family more than ever but I feel hurt, demeaned and disrespected.
I want a home that is an escape for me, a haven or sanctuary, living with outgoing teens means we have a constant stream of people coming through the door, living me tense, never knowing who's going to be in the house. I dont understand why my family would make comments to me that ae just nasty, this Christmas just gone I was sitting at the kitchen table writing out christmas cards for my friends, my Mum walks in and says ' I'm surprised you've got any friends to send christmas cards to', this took my breath away with its nastiness, she stays in every night, has limited amount of friends she barely sees.
I know I am a huge disappointment and not living the life she thinks I should be i.e. travelling, full time job, partying on the weekend. Part of me wants that but my anxiety debilitates me. Just wondered whether anyone has any advice?