I'm Alive !

I'm Alive !

Well, today, I had to face my fears, with no drugs( xanax, Valium )

as I had to stop taking them after 30 years, because they were causing worse withdrawals than the actual panics.

I'm a bit of an unusual Agoraphobic, anxiety, panic, and depression suffer in as much as when I had a really bad panic, I would backout, my heart would stop, and I would go into cardiac arrest, luckily when they found out or should I say a psychiatrist actually listened to what I'd been telling them for 20 years. I was tested in hospital on a tilt test and I died but only for 13 seconds then my heart started up again.

Just as well as the two nurses paniced ran out of the room left me strapped to this board, and went to get the top man.

They put in a pacemaker, it didn't stop the panics at all, but did keep me conscious when I tried to blackout.

In 2001, my mother went on holiday with a friend to the USA at the time of the twin towers, she was in them visiting, or so we thought. My dad phoned me up saying he was worried, and he never worried, or never showed it. There was a complete phone blackout to, so we didn't get any news for 5 days, two weeks later I had a total breakdown, she was safe in Canada, where they had quickly taken here after the event.

I was house bound for 5 yrs and virtually for the other 5 yrs.

After having a replacement pacemaker 10 years later, they wouldn't let me out of the hospital because my blood pressure wouldn't go down, so I told them if they didn't take the needles out of my arm I would rip them out myself as I wanted to go home and calm down.

I did, but later had some very painfull IBS things that put me on the floor for 12 hrs at a time in absolute agony. The pain made an absessed tooth pain, like a nice easy day. It was unbearable, yet I put up with it.

After the third of these, things started getting better. I still suffer with IBS but it flairs up when the anxiety gets bad.

Three years ago, I started getting more therapy, and they put me on EMDR because of the trauma of the cardiac arrests, and something started changing, slowly at first, but for one I could actually go to the doctors on my own, before I hadn't been in over 10 yrs. They found I had had trauma in a dentists too at age 9 when they took my baby teeth out with gas, but the gas hadn't worked so I was half conscious all the way through. I'd had nightmares after, for a long time.

My mother had just had a still birth at home, a breakdown then had a new baby girl, all her's and my dad's time was spent on the baby. Me and my brother, were put to one side. Not intentionally, it was just how they coped. We felt abandoned.

Three weekes ago I was diagnosed with very high blood pressure cholesterol, and put on tablets, they checked to see if I had already had a heart attack, so I was worried about having one anyday.

Anyway, today :-)

I had to face the dentists, I had to have a nerve taken out a tooth, seems ok, but to me it was major, I had stopped my valium two years prior, so didn't have any help.

After cacking myself, I made it to the dentists, with my wife, he drilled out the nerve, and I was doing my claire weekes coping EMDR taping, and most of all staying in the moment using a meditation technique.

I was ok............wow this is working I said, then the dentist said the tooth is so bad its going to have to be removed.

I hadn't prepared for this, but carried on doing my stuff, said ok go for it, stopped him twice, then let him do it. He took it out, I'm still ok and at home now. Giving myself a cuddle, feeling sorry for myself, sipping my soya decaf coffee through a straw, and nibbling on some chocs :-)

But I did it, I used the treatment Dr Claire Weeekes said, did my other stuff too and god, I'm here, anxiety has completely gone, it feels great............well till the pain kicks in lol.

just thought I'd hopefully give some living proof of what is possible even after 33 years of anxiety/panics agoraphobia and depression.

Wishing you all well, and hope you like the photo, its not me though :-) I'm not that fear free yet !




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19 Replies

  • Lol, put down them chocs lol,

    I'm so pleased for you, what a lovely positive blog, it's nice to see there is a bright, shining light at the end of that long dark tunnel. Best wishes for your future xxx

  • wow what an acheivement for you today, they say you should reward yourself and you definately should. i can totally relate to the ibs pain, ive been in tears and gone into panic on the loo before, infact its got to the point now where i hate going into the toilet at all. you have been on a long journey and are still here to tell the tale. be very very proud of yourself baylien. xxxxxxxx

  • Thanks girls,

    I do like my chocs Cookiepatch, I might even have a smoke in a mo. I living dangerously :-)

    I do feel kind of proud of myself though, thats something I would of never felt before, I was far to hard on myself.

    Now I have no choice, pull my finger out and use my intellegence to get better or die, sad but true.

    Yes that IBS sam is a bummer, lol, I've found seeing what makes it worse, and cutting it out for a month, and not eating so much, which I found difficult too, also trying to not have extreme anxiety, allows it to have a rest and get a little better.

    You tried the peppermint tablets? they sort of calmed things down after christmas for me.



  • Massive hugs Baylien, I am very proud of you. You must be very proud of yourself too, what an achievement, and an amazing story of fear and what it can do and how it can be tamed.

    Spoil yourself and take it easy, try sucking the chocolates instead of nibbling ;)

    I will have to read some more Dr Weekes later.

    Many blessings

    T x

  • Thanks Tara,

    I've got to be carefull I dont suck the blood clot out of the hole at the moment, so everything is a bit sensitive.

    I think I might lash out and get myself a brand new copy of Claire weekes book, I think its only a fiver on amazon.

    My copy is from 1983, and has been well read, so much so, its fell to bits.



  • Fanastic blog and well done on the dentist. x

  • Love the pic Baylien

    Sending you a big hug along a lot of love. Well done for accomplishing what you have done today. I read through this thinking wow what a lot you have been through, and you have come on so far.

    You enjoy your rest tonight, you deserve it.

    So pleased for you. xx

  • Thanks Jo and Lou

    glad you like the pic, I thought it was amazing, love tiggers :-)



  • I love tigers. Got a tattoo on my shoulder of a tiger cub. Pics and ornaments in my room. Love dolphins also, such peaceful animals. xx

  • Knew you would be OK :-) are you still drippling :-D maybe not by the sounds of it though scoffing all those chocs :-D

    Pleased it all went well




  • I'm glad you knew whywhy, cause I had no idea :-)

    Dribbling is now over, I'm just waiting for the pain, as he pulled it about rather alot.

    I dont want to get a dry socket, as they call it.

    Got treacle pudding in a minute.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm:-)

    The wifes spoiling me between emerdale and corry :-)

  • Oh my word, you ave been through it, but well done xxx scary though

  • well done and thankyou for sharing such a positive blog :D

  • Good on yer! I'm offing the tablets at the mo(after over 30 yrs). Hard isn't it? love the picture. Wish I could cuddle a tigger. I sponsor one in Nepal, but they won't let me cuddle her (or her cubs)

    May I also be presumptuous enough to send best regards to your wife who sounds supportive,must love you, and has no doubt suffered for you?

    Hope all goes well for you. xxx

  • I found once I had decided that the tablets were making me so ill, it was a direct decision to stop, and stop I did. I still miss them, and do turn to them often, then realise, what price I will have to pay for taking one. So leave them well alone.

    Thats a lovely thing to do, sponsor a tigger, and they certainly need all the help, what with chinese medicine etc and the fur trade.

    I've got two cuddly siamese cats here that like or should I say demand cuddles, and there very vocal :-)

    My wifes only been with me for 16 years, but yes she has seen the brunt of it, and has been great !

    Its funny I help her with her stuff, and she puts up with me, so really its a good partnership.

    I do spoil her though, and she likes that.



  • you come accross as being a lovely kind person who has come through alot of emotional stuff,and I sense you have a good sense of humour,well done,in coping with all this.you might not think it yourself but your a very strong person.lots of hugs to you,xxxx

  • Thats very kind miarose, I'm not sure I deserve such praise.

    I've been to the pits of hell, and at one time, it did take a large part of me and turned me to poison. But, I was lucky, I never forgot how it could be, and that little part never gave up.

    Thats why I believe there is hope for us all.

    Strange in those times I prayed alot, but never became religious :-)

    I used to be strong in arm, now I'm starting to learn about the strength of mind, and its far more usefull.

    Lots of hugs to you too



  • I think you do deserve praise. What us tigger lovers face is worse than anything - and we come through! I have a very vocal siamese visit me every day for a handful of sweeties. I love her, but my black moggie doesn't. She is a naughty girl, that siamese because she swears at my Murphy, so it's no wonder he doesn't like her. If he catches me giving her sweets, he sulks. She has two boyfriends who use my garden to court her and she's a right tart! Life would be unbearable without cats. xxxxxxxx

  • Hi

    That because the cats dont speak the same language so the breeder told us.

    I've got one siames meeeowing at me now, sitting on my lap. I think he wants some biccies :-)

    take care



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