I am new to this site and am not sure I'm in the right place

I have suffered from depression on and off through my life, I am 54. My husband passed away on Christmas Day, after a short illness and I am left absolutely devastated. It was very traumatic and I have nightmares. Whilst I am employed I have not worked since the end of October, initially so I could be by his side, since Christmas because I am not well enough. Initially I did the things my husband wanted doing round the house but I now find that all I do is stay in bed. I am due for a mental health assessment on Friday. I am scared as I have been hospitalised before for 5 months prior to meeting my husband 21 years ago. I spent Boxing Day in hospital.

I don't want to be here without him.

16 Replies

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  • Hi tinks, so sorry to hear you have lost your husband. You are in the right place if you need to talk to people about how you feel and share your thoughts. Everyone is here for different reasons but the fact that we are here proves we want to improve our quality of life, deal with anxiety and depression.

    Have you had bereavement counselling ? X

  • Hi tinks

    Welcome to the site!! Yes you are in the right place where people care and will support you.

    What a heartbreaking situation. I can understand it must be a battle everyday for you to cope.

    Being a life long partner i cannot imagine how difficult it is on a day to day basis without your partner especially when you are having such a tough time coping with depression. Have you family and friends around who are supporting you?

    I can understand why you wish to shut yourself away and stay in bed away from the outside world but tinks this will only fuel your thoughts. Is there anything you enjoy doing reading gardening etc., try and focus your time having quality time for you.

    Anytime we have lost a family member we encourage each other to remember the good times situations you may have been in that made you laugh, the bad sides throw aside. I must admit this does help to get over a hurdle at a time.

    Please try and not be frightened of the assessment Friday just take deep breaths and think what you are going to talk about before you leave this may help easy the anxiety.

    I sincerely hope your appointment goes well and everything will sort itself out eventually. We sometimes feel we will never cope but time heals. Maybe you can join a group to encourage you to go out and meet other people.

    Please try and think positive as i am sure your husband would not want you being so unhappy.

    Keep blogging and i hope you may find peace within and gain some health and strength.

    Good Luck

    God Bless

    Love Seyi xxx

  • So sorry to hear about your husband. I cant begin to imagine what you are going through.

    I only came on this site yesterday and its brought me comfort already.

    I hope the mental health assessment helps and supports you and that find some solace through support on here.

    Look after yourself.

  • Hi Tinks

    And welcome to the site - you are definitely in the right place! Most of us on here suffer from depression/anxiety or any combination of the two, so we do understand in a way people who have not been through it can't usually. We are a very friendly bunch, there's almost always someone to "talk" to, and just to "be there" for you when the going gets rough!

    It sounds like you've had an absolutely horrible experience, losing your husband so suddenly, on Christmas Day, and after such a short illness - I'm not surprised you don't want to get out of bed! I'm not a professional, but it almost sounds to me like you're suffering the normal feelings of bereavement together with something like post traumatic stress disorder - shock, basically!

    Please don't worry too much about the Mental Health Assessment, they don't hospitalise you now unless there really is no option - they haven't got the beds! They will probably suggest some counselling, perhaps medication, if you're not on any at present, before they even think of hospital! You could also try Cruse Bereavement Care, which helps people through losing a loved one. Go to:-

    crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

    But, in the meantime, do please, keep blogging - there's lots of support, friendship and, I think i can honestly say, love, on here. You're not on your own with this any more!

    Lots of love

    Rose

    xxxxxxx

  • Hi

    Welcome & you are In the right place my love

    I am so sorry for your loss , my heart goes out to you , there is no wonder you are having nightmares & feel like you do & have not been able to work

    You are grieving & need time & please the way you are feeling , it is normal , Christmas Day wasn't long ago , a loss like yours will take time

    I would imagine at the moment , you feel like you want to stop in bed , you are missing your loved one , I am sending a big hug

    Try not to worry , 21 years ago , I was in and out hospital , I have been assessed just recently & no one has even come near to hospitalising me , things have changed , only in extreme cases now if you are a danger to yourself or others would they consider such a thing , & I really don't feel you are either , so please try not to worry , easy for me to say I no , but I do feel I am right on this one

    Time is a big healer , please things will slowly get better , keep talking on here , lots of lovely people , you will make new friends , no one will judge

    Take Care & let us no how you have gone on

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Thank you all for your comments. My family are hopeless my dad has told me to grow up, get over it and get on with it! He has been divorced but never widowed.

    The mental health appointment is for post traumatic stress and yes I am having bereavement counselling but I just sit there and cry.

    I have two sets of good neighbours, one a couple and the other a lady who lost her husband a couple of years ago but she is a lot older than me.She has just been over and told me that I have to get showered and dressed. I stay in bed because I know I will drink and we all know that is no good for depression.

    I don't know what to do about work. I used to love my job but I am not that person any more. I also feel that I cannot face my colleagues, I very much wear my heart on my sleeve and I think it would be hard for all of them to work with me. But if I don't go back to work what do I do with myself every day.

    I admit I do have dark thoughts and as I've promised my neighbours I won't do anything at home this has led me to think about ways of leaving without being in my home.

    My husband was everything to me. I have a complaint going through the hospital at the moment with 43 questions I need answers to and this is not helping as it's killing me. I tried so hard to keep hm with me and it didn't work. I feel guilty and wish it had been me. He had everything to live for children, grandchildren.

  • I am so sorry to hear about your loss, my thoughts are with you. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling but we are all here for you.

    Maybe you could just pop in to work to say hello, I'm sure your colleagues will be pleased to see you, they are probably worried about making the first move, maybe speak to a manager or friend there first just to say you might pop in for a few mins and see what they say. You don't need to give a day or time then just see how you feel.

    I'm sure once you have your assessment they will be able to suggest the way forward, if you have to wait for a long time try contacting MIND, they may be able to help you too.

    Keep in touch and be kind to yourself

    Caroline

  • O love

    everything you are saying I understand , well can imagine

    Your Dad , well...have a Dad like yours to , we lost my Mum & the shock when he had a new wife within a year well....he had been married to my Mum for 50 years & I couldn't believe how quick he moved on , still gutted today with it ...like you I wear my heart on my sleeve

    Drink isn't the answer , been there done that , may dull the pain a little while but eventually we have to face reality , please don't go there , when ever I drank that was always the time I did something silly

    I am pleased to hear you have good friends & neighbours , let them help , even the older one who lost her hubby she will no how you feel

    I am sure your friends at work would just want to throw their arms around you & support you to , I no I would & you certainly wouldn't been seen as a burden , when we feel low , we feel this way , but others don't see us as a burden , when you are ready , let them help you to

    Think of your hubby , he wouldn't want you to do anything to yourself , he would be devasated, when you feel like this , keep going for him & all you shared , its what he would have wanted

    You need to be here , so you cam remind & love his children & grandchildren in his memory , they need you , they have lost their Dad /granddad , another loss would leave them to have to carry that through life , I no you wouldn't want that for them

    Don't feel guilty , what ever life has planned , we are powerless over such things as death , this is the one thing we have no control over , you gave your husband the most precious thing , all your love , right to the end , you have no reason for guilt , you stayed with him & did all you could , what more could anyone do

    Try & set yourself small goals each day , blog on here , tell us what you have managed to do , we will all be cheering you on

    I wish I could say more , I would so like to take your pain away , but we will support you as you go through this & hope it will help in some small way

    Love

    whywhy

    xxxxx

  • I too was widowed at 55 ,that was 7 years ago,It took me 2/3 years to get over it,I just got him a dog the week before he died so I had a reason I had to get up in the morning(quickly so he did not pee the floor)I used to walk him with tears streaming down my face for the way my life turned out,I hated having the dog as I worked and coming home and at the weekends I had to care for him,but looking back it was a good thing,I had company and was kept very busy with him.My husband was not ill but went into hospital for a small procedure with local anthestic which killed him a few days later,the case went to the fiscal,hospital apologised and I fought the case for 3 years,I had to give up as it was making me ill( I think this is how anxiety started) it still upsets me a lot,I start thinking when I waken early and have to get up as it takes over my mind.I had to back to my work within 2 weeks of losing him as I was self employed,no income and I had one employee whom I had to pay her wages when I was off work.

    I know how you feel ,you have good neighbours who are looking after you,take their help ,in turn that will help you.I still have GAD which has got worse over the last year or two and yet I have met a lovely partner

  • Hi Lindalou

    I'm sorry to hear you lost your husband so young too. Also the fact that you had a business so could not take time to grieve. Waiting for replies from the hospital is killing me and reading your comments I can really understand how it made you ill.

    My husband had renal cancer but back in April last year we were told he had years ahead of him. He passed away going off to have what should have been a simple procedure but they made him wait all night on his own. He was treated appalling whilst he was in the hospital.

    At the moment I only see the last two weeks - no matter how I try I cannot get it out of my head.

    As I've said in my last post I suggested I pop into work briefly just to see if I can get that far, but they have misread what I wanted to do. In some ways I can understand that perhaps they feel it would be better for me to do something rather than to talk to people. I know my husband would want me to carry on but I'm not sure my old job is me any more.

    I used to be a strong member of a team with strong views but I'm not that person any more and not sure I want people to see what I have become.

  • Your husband would be feeling devasted if he knew how his death was affecting you,grief is painful but it will get better and you can still love him and think of the good life you will have gave him.

  • Hi tinks sending a big hug to you xx there is some great help for PTSD and don't worry about being assessed last year I was seen by so many health people. I was in pain physically and emotionally with nightmares and flashbacks so my heart goes out to you. You can and will get through this with professional help and we are here too. I nearly gave in too before Xmas I couldn't see the point to my existence but ignore these negative feelings they are part of the depression and they will fade. Keep strong and take things slow. Try to look after yourself as best you can eat small amounts, drink water and rest. Big hugs stay with us we are here for you. You are not alone with us around love eve x

  • I just can't stop crying. I've e-mailed work to see if I could pop in for an hour, meaning just to see everyone, they have misread this as me going in to do some work. Life just has no meaning without him.

  • O love , just email back & say sorry I think we have mis understood , you just wanted to come & say hello , they will understand

    You will have parts of the day when you feel like you do & then they will pass again

    You have to keep going , that's what your husband would have wanted

    Keep talking ...email them back

    Love

    whywhy

    xxxx

  • Hi tinks, Just a little note to see how you are and let you know I'm thinking of you. Try and do just one day at a time, are you managing to sleep at all?, rest when you feel you want to. Don't punish yourself for how you feel, there is no right way. For me being outside even if it's only a walk round the block helps me, takes away a bit of the isolation I feel sometimes.

    Your life will have meaning again it's just going to take time. Your husband is still with you, he always will be, it's early days. Keep going with your counselling, writing things down about how you feel and then showing your counsellor may help if you find it hard to talk.

    love Caroline

  • Hi Caroline

    I have spoken to my team leader today and she has told me to leave things as they are for the time being regarding work. My doctor says I need to see the mental health team and also need answers from the hospital. She also said what you are saying, not to plan just do what I can to get by.

    I have ventured out today. I am waiting for a call from a neighbour as her cat is poorly, so am on tenderhooks as he is really quite old.

    I also went to the dentist, albeit sat there crying and they didn't know what to do with me.

    I did some shopping and popped into see my dad and as usual he had to spoil the visit by telling me not to leave it so long - its possibly three weeks since I saw him. I snapped and said I do what I can, sometimes I cannot get out of the house so be grateful for what I can do. I must admit when I say shopping - cat food and cleaning products - I have ocd so am always up for some cleaning product or another.

    I wish I could feel that my husband was with me but I don't. I just feel this great big void. We were both young enough to still be enjoying the whole loving relationship and I miss that so much. I miss everything about him. As well as being a postman he was in the TA - served in Iraq in 2003 and I didn't cope then, to the point where he had to come home just after the war had finished. I have this deep yearning inside of me that nothing can fill.

    Valxx

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