A few home truths

[Tara67]

I am writing this blog for personal reasons to record my thoughts so it might not make sense to anyone else. But it might help someone.

I have been reading about anxiety and that maybe it is our bodies way of telling us something isn't right. The is a root cause and rather than trying to sooth and calm our minds, we need to address the problem. It's only a theory.

So for me, bascially I am happy in myself. Ok so why I am suffering from Anxiety and Depression. The answer is 'other people', and to be more to the point, my family. I run myself ragged protecting and looking after my mother and my hubby. Both are very strong characters and depending of me and my time. I am not saying they are bad people but they do take advantage of my soft nature.

My hubby and mother are very alike but suffer from depression and both are socially withdrawn. This leaves me to do basically everything that needs done outside the house (houses). I don't mind but I am discovering I have become so used to running after other people and accomodating them, I have lost myself.

I have had therapy about 10 years ago and this was mentioned to me before, that both my mother and hubby were manipulating me, again not in a bad way but decause I let them.

So I am facing my fears, and what's my major issue at the minute. Hubby and the possibility he will get into a row with the neighbours, I should add he is not sociable and doesn't try to be. I have asked him many times not to be rude or confrontational if the neighbours annoy him, i have no problem with his speaking nicely to them but he sees it as a sign of weakness ( is that a man thing?)

Anyway, I decided not to stress and get anxious if that is the way he wants to be, it's up tp him. I have asked many times not to do, but he things I am and a quote 'a nervous wreck.' I do tell him that it's his fault but he doesn't listen.

Today we went for a walk and the neighbour across the road (male) in hubby's words stared at him, so he stared back. Now normally this would make me anxious incase words were said and a row started. But instead I took a deep breath and told hubby, if he wanted to behave that way he could do it when he was on his own. Again he told me 'I am always on edge' so again I told him it is his behaviour that makes me anxious not my own.

This probably seems very petty to everyone else but for the past 12 years I have reacting to hubby's behaviour with his family, friends and neighbours. Always aware that his outspoken nature could upset someone. I know realise although he can't help his nature he knows it upsets me but still chooses to behave in this way. He is selfish and puts himself first, and I always put other people first even if it means hurting myself. It took me 7 years to leave my first husband because I was afraid it would upset my mother !!!

I must sound like a very weak person, but finally at 40 years old I am learning that I can't expect everyone to be perfect or behave as I would. I am happy to spend my life helping people and trying to live an honest life, if other people choose to be negative that's up to them. I remember hearing the phrase 'emotional vampire' and I think I have a few of these in my life, my mother, hubby and mother in law.

So after this very long post, I have a choice, carry on as before or take control back and be my own person. I don't think certain people are going to like it, but that's my first lesson. Do what is right for me, not everyone else.

If you have read all this, thank you. I welcome everyones thoughts x

[Hidden]

We do need to look after number one, and tell others that you can't help all the time, and for them to stand on their own two feet sometimes. We can only do what we can do, if we try and do more we become rundown, and then nobody is helped.

So you take care of you, its allowed, and tell the others, when they are being too demanding.

Confrontational behaviour used to make me anxious too, and I've been a martial arts instructor for 30 years and very capable of dealing with it.

What I've realised lately though, is if we do get invloved in other peoples anger issues it will drag us down with them.

It's all rubbish really, this man thing, I'm harder than you stuff, its school playground stuff.

Tell your hubby to frigging grow up..............:-)............lovingly of course, and with compassion. It leads down a very bad path, that is hurting him and probably exasperating his depression, and hurting you by bringing you down too. The last thing you need right now.

I had 10 years of neighbours from hell, now I just ignore those that are left, and I even speak to one that tried it on once....mind you he did back down when he saw I was up for battering him, he came back out and appologised to me, which took some balls in the end.

Understanding that all people are suffering, allows me to not personalise with that anger. There angry because there suffering, and we can all understand that, however much of a prat they are.

I just look away or say morning...and move on. It doesn't bother me anymore.

The other day I was sitting outside a coffe shop having a coffee with the wife, and just over from me two people were slagging everything off .............now I could of been insulted by this, felt a need to reply to it, got angry at their stupidity. But, I didn't I just saw it as suffering, an agitated mind babbling on about nothing, and carried on looking at the lovely view and clouds rolling by. I actually didn't identify with it, and let it go straight away.

That in itself taught me alot about myself, my panics, etc. and some part of me became far softer and nicer. My wife even noticed the difference

There's some very positive stuff in your words, very inspiring Tara

Wishing you well

B

xxx

[Tara67 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Baylien, it is nice to know someone understands and wow @ me being inspiring. I feel sorry for anyone who sees the world through negative eyes, there is a lot of aggression and tension in our world.

Love and peace

T x

[Hidden]

tara67. I don't know how you have put up with this for so long. its about time they give you some respect to you and your feelings. sorry but your hubby sounds a bit of a,,,hole at times I think he needs to grow up and start putting you first for a change, so you are right to take control of your own life and maybe your anxiety and depression might ease a bit . the very best of luck, take care.xx

[Tara67 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Newtown, I am not saying all my problems are caused by my hubby but I have for too long put up with it because it was easier. I now realise I should have addressed the problems long ago but you live and learn. Hubby has his own issues, low self esteem and other mental health issues, he is a good person who behaves badly at times. We chatted about the situation and he apologised, I can't expect him to change his nature to suit me. But I have to learn I can't wrap myself in cotton wool and hide way. I am learning to stand up for myself. x

[donaf]

I tara i have red ur post twice and find it very inspiring to tbf. My anxiety stems from things that have happened in the past, but wen other people keep telling me there problems i get really anxious like a sort of friend about a monthe ago. She came down everyday for a whole week, with her 3 young children. All i heard about constantly was her ex, and all i seem to do was run about after her kids cuz she was more concerned about wat her ex was doing. Monday to thursday i had it none stop. So by the friday my anxiety was so bad, think it was the thought of having it all over again. So i txt her told her not to come down because i was out. She foned me about 20 times a day as well i just cudnt cope. After thinking about it i told her straight i didnt want her in my life. She was lonely and i didnt want to upset her but i put my own health first in the end. Ive alwayd put everyone first and me last. Now im thinking im not doing it anymore as its me that suffers the anxiety and depression wen im put on all the while by other peoples problems. I put me and my family first, plus my few close friends as there like family. I hate confrontation and still feel anxious wen im with anyone that is having a confrontation with someone. Xxx

[Tara67 in reply to donaf]

Hi donaf, I call myself an emotional sponge because I soak up everyones saddness. Many many times I have taken other peoples suffering on myself just to spare their feelings or stop them getting hurt. This makes me sound like Mother Theresa, I'm not but I do find it very hard to see anyone upset and not want to take their pain away. I learnt this habit at a young age when my mother who suffers from depression talked about taking her own life. It has taken me a long time to understand I am not helping anyone by acting this way and I am damaging myself. Do look after yourself and put your own emotional welfare first, I am trying to do the same. best wishes x