I am writing this blog for personal reasons to record my thoughts so it might not make sense to anyone else. But it might help someone.
I have been reading about anxiety and that maybe it is our bodies way of telling us something isn't right. The is a root cause and rather than trying to sooth and calm our minds, we need to address the problem. It's only a theory.
So for me, bascially I am happy in myself. Ok so why I am suffering from Anxiety and Depression. The answer is 'other people', and to be more to the point, my family. I run myself ragged protecting and looking after my mother and my hubby. Both are very strong characters and depending of me and my time. I am not saying they are bad people but they do take advantage of my soft nature.
My hubby and mother are very alike but suffer from depression and both are socially withdrawn. This leaves me to do basically everything that needs done outside the house (houses). I don't mind but I am discovering I have become so used to running after other people and accomodating them, I have lost myself.
I have had therapy about 10 years ago and this was mentioned to me before, that both my mother and hubby were manipulating me, again not in a bad way but decause I let them.
So I am facing my fears, and what's my major issue at the minute. Hubby and the possibility he will get into a row with the neighbours, I should add he is not sociable and doesn't try to be. I have asked him many times not to be rude or confrontational if the neighbours annoy him, i have no problem with his speaking nicely to them but he sees it as a sign of weakness ( is that a man thing?)
Anyway, I decided not to stress and get anxious if that is the way he wants to be, it's up tp him. I have asked many times not to do, but he things I am and a quote 'a nervous wreck.' I do tell him that it's his fault but he doesn't listen.
Today we went for a walk and the neighbour across the road (male) in hubby's words stared at him, so he stared back. Now normally this would make me anxious incase words were said and a row started. But instead I took a deep breath and told hubby, if he wanted to behave that way he could do it when he was on his own. Again he told me 'I am always on edge' so again I told him it is his behaviour that makes me anxious not my own.
This probably seems very petty to everyone else but for the past 12 years I have reacting to hubby's behaviour with his family, friends and neighbours. Always aware that his outspoken nature could upset someone. I know realise although he can't help his nature he knows it upsets me but still chooses to behave in this way. He is selfish and puts himself first, and I always put other people first even if it means hurting myself. It took me 7 years to leave my first husband because I was afraid it would upset my mother !!!
I must sound like a very weak person, but finally at 40 years old I am learning that I can't expect everyone to be perfect or behave as I would. I am happy to spend my life helping people and trying to live an honest life, if other people choose to be negative that's up to them. I remember hearing the phrase 'emotional vampire' and I think I have a few of these in my life, my mother, hubby and mother in law.
So after this very long post, I have a choice, carry on as before or take control back and be my own person. I don't think certain people are going to like it, but that's my first lesson. Do what is right for me, not everyone else.
If you have read all this, thank you. I welcome everyones thoughts x