I've been diagnosed with "depression and anxiety" - but which sub-category on Anxiety.

I was prescribed 50mg Lustral (sertraline) anti-depressants about 3-4 weeks ago was and still am too scared to take any. Told my GP this. We have now applied for CBT for me instead, but the assessment isnt until mid April, and presumably even if the assessment puts me forward for CBT, it wont start immediately after the mid-april assessment. So...for the next few weeks I'm not on any sort of treatment (my own decision to not take the Anti-d's, I know).

My last few weeks at work saw me the subject of a compentancy/performance review (more stress), me crying at my desk, me crying in the car, having memory issues, chest "sensations" not really pains as such (more like the glow you feel when swallowing thick/strong cough medicine or spirits (I havent had alcohol for months), trembling hands, shoulders and chest/back. Very annoyingly, I seem to be having speech issues, with words "jamming" in my mouth (not like a stutter...) just a few seconds gap as a word which is already in my mind....finally pops out in one complete word, and the rest of the sentance flows fine. "The stuck words can make me sound very.....................much like this sentance". Some slurring, or slight mumbling is evident also. I grit/grind my teeth and roll my eyes annoyed with myself when these symptoms hit. Also mouth wise, I seem to be biting my tongue (while eating/clearing my throat etc) alot nowadays too.

I seem to be urinating impossibly often now too. sometimes a dozen times a day, sometimes with almost no output.

I have been signed off work (finally, I turned down previous sign offs due to workload/projects etc) but am finding symptoms seem to be getting worse since being at home (alone during school hours). I'm having strong thoughts of "losing it" in terms of being able to perform, what I would have said a few weeks ago were "simple" tasks.

Example 1: My letter came through for CBT assessment asking me to call them for an appointment - whilst listening to the ringing tone, I read on the letterhead that the centre was for the "mentally ill" and "Learning diabilities". I burst into tears, to the extent that I couldnt speak when they answered the phone. I had to hang up, steady myself for a couple of hours and try again. I called them, and got my appointment without breaking into sobs, and apologised for my earlier call. They were kind and gentle and made me feel that I'd really really acheived something amazing by calling them on my own. The call ended well and for a few minutes I was elated about having made the call on my own. Then it hit me, I was "over the moon" and both others and myself were congratulating me on a totally simple, run of the mill, daily non-task. I pictured myself receiving applause at some point in the future for getting my shoes on the correct feet. I've had many feelings that my "IQ" is leaking away slowly, with memories and ability to carry out even basic tasks slipping away from me.

Example 2: I was in my local huge supermarket. I've been in there hundreds of times over the last 10 years...usually no problem. Twice now...I've been in there and "frozen" just had to pull my trolley off to a corner, or out of everyones way and stand there feeling I'm in the wrong. Feeling Lost, feeling like I'm about to get challenged by the staff, told that I'm not supposed to be there and ushered out of the store. During these two moments, I've felt like I'm playing truant almost. Also the store, although I know it well, has felt on both occasions like it wasnt real...like it was more a movie set, or a theme park, or that at any moment I'd be told that it was only for other groups of people eg: Just people from X country today - cant explain that any better, sorry.

Example 3: 3 or 4 days ago - Have come out from a shopping trip on foot to the carpark. Not only can I not remember where I left the car, but I cant remember what make, model, or colour of car I was driving (I've owned it for 3 years now). I had to wander around the car park pressing the keyfob alarm button to see which car indicator lights came on - crying at the loss of IQ, feeling "lost", feeling like I'd regressed to being a lost toddler - and thinking that everyone looking at me pressing the keyfob and crying, obviously lost... are all thinking that I've lost my mind as well as my car.

After any of the above, follows lots of crying and fear of my IQ and skillsets simply disolving away.

Two or three times a day, I get anxiety attacks (raised fast, pounding heatbeat) seemingly audible in my ears, and feeling like I'm trying to breath out when I'm supposed to be breathing in, or vice versa. My GP has told me that I should watch for, and avoid, letting these anxiety attacks excalate themselves...eg: the cycle of thinking....this pounding is a heart attack, I'm going to die etc, which in turn makes it all worse) and I'm good at keeping these level. Whatever speed/deepness of heart pounding thats at the start of the attacks (some are up to 15 minutes long), are maintained without escalation until they fade away later.

Other background. My main worries are my mothers failing health (she lives alone, has several serious issues inc cancer, has 2-3 years left to go), my increased "care" of her during that time - that care often taking me around to Mums place several times a week, sometimes for hours into the early hours, and I kept spare clothes there for sleeping overnight in the spare room, she has a panic button pendant linked to my mobiles on different networks for coverage reasons). Some money worries (who hasnt), recently work worries with this partially completed but undecided performance review - which is "On hold" until I make it back (nice "welcome back" present)

At other times...like for the first couple of minutes of the day after waking up (I get about 3 hours sleep a night - usually 4am til 7am) I feel perfectly fine and normal...not a care in the world - then everything else clicks into place...Mum, Work, Money, now my health...followed by racing heart, breathing in/out wrong... Also getting images/worries of being sectioned to force me onto Anti'd's for 4 weeks, when I cloudily wonder "why did I ever resist Anti-d's, they're lovely"

I also fear that I've put all my recovery "eggs" in the CBT basket. If the assessment in mid april says "No" to me having CBT, or says "Yes, as long as he goes on Anti'd's" then I'm sunk.

So...in case I have to help myself, I'm trying to work out what type/sub-genre of Anxiety I've got.

Sorry for "war and peace" at 1am - all replies appreciated.

[Jeffju]

I find it hard to understand why people are so against taking AD's. Mental illness is like any other and your doctor would prescribe if you had a heart, kidney, sore knee problems or whatever. I would take whatever the GP prescribed if it would make me feel better. I have every faith in my GP and psychiatrist.You are living a life of hell, take the tablets, they may take a while to work but you should see a difference. I sure did. Good luck.

[angelfaced]

Hi there, i became really ill at the beginning of january this year with severe anxiety and moderate depression, i refused to take any antidepressents too in the beginning as was terrified to but things got to a point where it got worse and i got so bad i seriously thought i was losing it too, i was very ill and low and most things you mentioned as symptoms i had too and it got much worse still so that i got agraphobic. I finally took the antidepressents, they are not a quick fix so dont expect immediate results. Its a personal choice but if you think things arent getting better and you need help helped me SO much, i'm 5 weeks on and i'm having good days and bad days now, my head feels clearer and my brain is starting to come back slowley but i know i am getting better now, my panic attacks have got much less and i am just starting to get some sleep at night as has insomnia. 'm on a waiting list for cbt but ive got to wait 13 weeks from my assessment date i had in january, the waiting time depends on the outcome of your assessment and city. You have been through so much and knowing that there is a problem if the first step, its about getting help now. Cbt can take a long time and again is no quick fix, antidepressents are medication from a doctor to make your brain better. I was terrified too but i can take my tablet daily fine now, i think of them as brain food, they are maiking me better. I found reading up on anxiety and depression and making myself knowlegable on them made things easier. I dont really know where i would be now if i hadnt taken the antidepressents to be honest. Please feel free to message me if you want to ask me anything and good luck.

[Bigfatcat]

Hi! I have been off work since mid December and have had similar thoughts and feelings.

I too was prescribed medication and have not wanted to take it. I couldn't cope with the idea of being 'mentally ill' as I have always coped with anything thrown at me and still now I find it difficult to accept. However, after reading articles and speaking to health professionals I realise that so many people can become ill. For me personally I have decided to use herbal methods, which are working for me, but it is your personal choice.

I still can't get used to being off and feel guilty that I'm not in work, but OH nurse has told me to use it as time for me to help me get better and to realise that there is a life outside work. I go for walks each day and it is amazing how this helps. I know if I stayed in I would never want to go out. I also decided to research as much as I could and I have been reading self help books about mindfulness- these have been really helpful.

Do you have a union rep who you can speak to about work related issues? That way, you can have someone supportive to help with any queries you have.

I hope that things get better for you- one of the most useful things has been reading the postings on this site. It has made me realise that there are lots of people coping with anxiety. Good luck!

[miarose]

hi Bigfatcat,I just read your comment,would you please tell me what herbal med your taking,I have a big phobia about taking meds,I got very bad reaction to ssri a/ds ,so bad that I can't bring myself to try any more.I was thinking of st johns wort or mayby 5htp,I really need something without horrid side effects..hope you don't think I am being too nosy,but any information would be appriciated.xx

[Hidden]

Thanks for the replies so far everyone. As far as the side-comment goes, that of me being too scared of the Anti'ds to take them, I've tried rationalising the cliches of "If my foot hurt, I'd put an ice pack on it, if I had a cough, I'd take cough medicine etc....but as no medication I've ever taken before plays around with my brain functions, the rationale falls flat with me every time I try to tell myself its ok. Part of the fear of Anti'ds is the fact that, obviously, in a few weeks the Anti'ds themselves are going to be making me think of the anti'ds as my bestest friend ever, the way a mosquito first sprays your arm/hand/neck with an anesthetic before it lands on you, so that you dont feel it land and bite you (that's why the first thing you know about a mosquito biting you, is seeing the cheeky beggar actually on you already)

There also seems to be a certain amount of "unknown" in the medical side of Anti'ds. Unlike say a tablet for headaches. Got a headache? you know that you can buy any brand, any shape, any colour of headache tablet from the local 24hr garage and the two things that will differ will be how fast it works, and how tricky it was to swallow. Whatever you take, a high percentage of the time, it works.

With Anti'ds, when a particular brand/dosage is tried but doesnt give relief, the GP seems to be left with the choice of changing the brand, or upping the dosage, or both. That's three possible routes and there seems to be no guidelines that can be adhered to by a GP to say which of those three routes to proceed along - simply as everyone is different. Think of the key to your front door...its got lots of little up and down bits along it - it wont fit/work a lock that has different up and down bits (tumblers) in it. Think of the Anti'ds as keys and people as locks. If there were just three brands of Anti-ds and three dosages, there would still be potentially 9 different Anti'ds to keep trying, most with side effects everytime you swap, and when you swap the GP recommends that you stay with the new ones for about a month - you could be getting 9 different sets of side effects and no relief, for 9 months... but there arent just 9 different Anti'ds - there are loads more.

I know the anti'ds wont allow me to drop a rock on my foot and think "oh ha ha, dont worry about it" I know they aren't "happy pills". I've never taken recreational drugs (dispite growing up in the "rave"/Acid/LSD years) and will even limit myself on alcohol if at an important party so I can be alert enough to spot, diffuse and act wisely if any problems arise. So having my perception of how good or bad things going on around me really are, or this overly used phrase of "they take the edge off of the problems" is, I feel just removing clear thinking and I think I'll need all the clear thinking I can get, to get my way through this.

I did look into St Johns Wart drops, as it seems to be taking Germany by storm as an alternative to Anti'ds but if its "brain playing" at a chemical level again, I've got the same issues with that as with Anti'ds.

Anyway.

Back to the question of "Which type of Anxiety have I got?" (or possibly its more than one). I'd really appreciate any help on identifying it, even if its just General...or General...and....a bit of "xxxxx anxiety" mixed in"

Thank you.

[BILL16WEST]

I have recently been on anti depressants after receiving news that my daughter has a serious illness, was only on them for 8 weeks and stop them because in the inducement of the Adp was stopping me being me and made things worse. Yes I am back to self control of my own thoughts and no amount of tablets is going change what is happening to my daughter. I cannot and will not use Adps as a crutch to take me from real life traumas because I know there will be many more as other people will have.