A new day

[debbiejay]

Hi everyone, I have been reading items on this site for a week or so, but never posted a blog before.

I have always suffered from anxiety and regularly from depression, and can honestly say that they have blighted my whole adult life. I get the impression from other people who have written on here that they have similar experiences of periods of being relatively ok and able to cope, followed by bad patches where it all falls apart. Well, for the past few months I have been in the deepest, darkest depths of falling apart. There have been several triggers, the death of a loved one, my husband losing his job and then me taking on a very demanding job to try and compensate for the fact we had no visible means of support.

I have been in a terrible state mentally, spending many hours feeling that I just couldn't see the point of going on, having difficulty breathing and concentrating, completely unable to cope with people. From being a really quite fluent person, I seemed to get completely tongue-tied and inarticulate, and that then became a vicious circle, the more times it happened the more I feared having to actually talk to people, as I began to anticipate making a fool of myself. So I tried not to talk at all - in fact I kept noticing that I had my lips held between my teeth, as if trying to prevent myself from making a sound.

Anyway, I'd like to thank all of you on here, because reading things other people have posted has given me real comfort. I felt completely isolated and inadequate, like I was the biggest failure in the world for not being able to cope. Now, I just think that all of us who suffer invisibly from this dreadful condition are actually really strong, because we have to fight each and every day to cope with challenges that other people don't have to face.

So, after an absolutely dreadful weekend when I hit rock bottom (and that wasn't the only thing I hit either, I crashed the car too. First accident in over 20 years driving! Only happened because I was so wound up with worry), I have decided to take positive action and refuse to live like this any more.

I got to work this morning, sat at my desk and just froze. Totally unable to do anything and couldn't believe that I could carry on living like this. So, I told my manager that I was going to leave. Actually, everyone was really, really kind to me. End result, less than an hour later I was back home and registering with employment agencies on the net.

This could be a really bad decision or a really good one. I guess i won't know for a while, but I feel much, much better for deciding to take back control. I have just been like a paralysed rabbit in the headlights, to terrified to do anything.

I guess that when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up! If anyone else has had any similar experiences I would love to hear from them.

[sheffieldwed]

Ah i am so glad there is someone feeling like me since losing my dad i havent coped well at all and now i have started with these terrible panic attacks i feel lower than low i feel so alone some days as no one seems to understand i too had a bad weekend and they are really knocking me off my feet trying so hard with my kids but feel i am not getting any further it is good to come on here and talk to people who know what your going through and whwn i thought i couldnt feel worse i have started with feeling unbalanced sick and dizzy it so depressing me but am trying my hardest not to let them win xxx

[debbiejay]

Hiya sheff, so sorry to hear you have had a bad weekend. Panic attacks are terrible things, no-one understands unless they have experienced them. I do really feel much better though from coming on here and hearing other people talk about these things. To me they have been such a deep dark secret for so long, it helps to feel that I don't have to be ashamed any more. My kids are grown up now, but I remember how hard it was when they were younger, trying to keep it all together. I hope you manage to get some 'me time', to wind down, it was the only thing that kept me going, sometimes just to go and get a hot bath and know that I wouldn't be disturbed for a little while meant that I could try my breathing exercises and calm me down. I've had the dizzy thing too, and it has put me off going out and about because I am scared I will have problems whilst I am out. How long ago did your dad die? We have just had 1st anniversary of a death and I can't tell you how bad it was. I am hoping that now that has passed I can begin to move on. Sending you a big hug, I know how difficult it is and how hard you are trying to cope. Hang on in there x