Last night when I was having a panic attack I realised something and want to pass on to those who are struggling.

Last night when I was having a panic attack and crying in despair if I would ever feel like the old me again, I found that the rational and logical part of me looked at what happens in a panic attack, what the triggers are etc. Best way to describe it is like in a Christmas Carol , how Scrooge sees his past self with the ghost of Christmas past- except it was the old me (before panic attacks) looking at what the hell was going on with me now. And I've realised a few things. Old me could cope with stress, worry and so many problems, deal with it and set it aside to a point but I had done this pretty well in the face of major personal trauma that went on in various ways for most of my life. However I reached the maximum point of coping- the tipping point was when my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and she died 3 months after diagnosis. It was from that point that my coping ability for anything started to go.

I won't bore you with gory details of my life but suffice to say it has involved incest,abuse from my father, to major revelations about my life being drip fed to me over a period of 23 years that were traumatic and incredibly damaging, the most recent being in January this year. On the top of this I was married for 18 years to a man I considered the love of my life but he was abusive in every way particularly mental.We had 5 kids , who are so incredible and grounded despite all the stuff they have to deal with - my past, the problems with their dad and problems with my extended family. I divorced in 2009, went to uni and am trying to get through 3rd year in philosophy. I have had little or no family support apart from one sister, but my biggest support has been my children and my therapist of nearly 6 years. He was the first one to tell me that I was not mad but the situation was, that he could see past my baggage and see the real me. He has laughed and cried with me, supported me and guided me and I will forever be grateful for his help.

Now my past is complicated but I can't change it- its done. I'm dealing with the damage and living with it as are my kids and my therapist. However the panic attacks, the depression, the agoraphobia are all symptoms that we are all human and have different levels of how much junk we can take. I think it is our mind and body saying we have to cut ourselves some slack and be kind to ourselves. The human spirit can only take so much before it gives us warnings that we are pushing ourselves too far and need to step back. I am not saying that the panics etc will disappear but I have noticed that those of us who have posted in the past are very hard on ourselves when we have a panic or set back, as if it is our fault or we have done something wrong. Its honestly not the case in any way . I believe when we have a setback, it is our mind/body telling us to not push too hard too soon. I am as impatient as anyone to feel like the old me , but I also now know I have to look at how much I have been dealing with over the years that has led me to the place I am now in . This community is so brilliant as we are all in it together- no one is alone. People like Rose, Whywhy, Minnie, Marcus, Lizard and Trip to name a few are are amazing and supportive but know where new people like myself are going through as they are going on the same journey too.

Last night I realised that the old me was 'telling ' me that where before I would feel tired, I panic over how that feels as I am picking up on everything so acutely, so instead of thinking I have had a busy day , no wonder I'm shattered, I actually thought oh god, I feel exhausted , what is wrong and so the cycle begins. Same when I felt drained after a stressful time . When the stress was over , I used to feel drained but relieved and accepted that how I felt physically and mentally was normal . The hypersensitivity caused by panics and depression doesn't interpret it as normal though but that something is wrong and triggers off the horrible process. Panics are not logical, they are horrible but if we can somehow step back a little and see the weird way they make us think , then it gives a glimmer of hope that we can find a way back. I'm not saying this is right but its what I've realised. We need to be kinder to ourselves, cut ourselves slack in times of upset and trauma, realise that panic attacks are a symptom of possibly dealing with too much. The best quote I have ever heard is actually about depression but I believe it could be about panic attacks, GAD etc too. 'Depression is a sign that you have been strong for too long'.

Sorry for going on- I am not a brave person even with the past I have had, I am just very stubborn and refuse to give up- that is why I am still here. I have not been kind to myself , or cut myself slack and I think that is why I am having the problems I have today with the panics etc. My therapist thinks that too and has said so and I just wanted to share what he said and I have come to realise. We need to let our emotions out when things go awry in our lives and apart from being kinder to ourselves , I think it is also important that we don't bottle it up . I do truly believe that panics are a symptom of bottling things up - if we are sad we are entitled to cry or express it . If we are hurt , we are entitled to feel it . Suppressing or dismissing our justified feelings can often manifest in different ways and I think it does so in panic attacks. Sorry, prattled on again. I don't know if any of what I have said makes much sense but I hope it does. Thank you to all for being there. love and hugs . Julie

[swanlinnet]

Hiya Julie

Thank you for your post . And congratulations on reaching the 3rd year doing Philosophy at University : )

Are you reading Kant and his Critique of Pure Reason ? Any Rousseau, perhaps, and his Social Contract ? Or how about the great three Empiricists: Berkeley, Hume and Locke ?

It's brilliant you have reached the final year ...what an acheivement. : )

My degree was Philosophy and my dissertation was Inequality and the Ideas of Jean-Jacques Rousseau : )

Hope you polish the dissertation off and get the degree in the bag . : )

Good luck,

Vince : )

[Hidden]

Hi Vince,

Thank you . At the moment I'm studying Lewis ,Godel for Philosophy of Time Travel, Malebranche, Spinoza, Leibniz and Descartes for Epistemology and Searle, Dennett and Chalmers for Philosophy of Psychology. Quite a mixed bag- Descartes has been in my studies since day 1 and I think I have a love-hate relationship with him. He's had too much of an effect on me though as I seemed to have used a form of his method of doubt on my own life and it is very effective , maybe too effective!!

Have still to decide if I am doing 2 x 5000 word essays on given subjects or an 8000 word dissertation on an subject of my choice. I've still to get through the rest of this semester and all going well I'll hit 4th year. My marks have been around the 2.2 mark but the past year has been quite rough. Fingers crossed though.

Thanks again for your message- it is greatly appreciated.

Take care

Julie

[swanlinnet in reply to Hidden]

Hiya Julie I understand how turbulent a balancing-act studying with an 'emotional' illness can be : )

Descartes was a good man with good Christian roots in his work, I found. I can understand how appplying his method to our own lives could be hazardous : ) I tried it with Kierkegaard !!!!! : ) : ) : )

Would have loved to have read more of Malebranche ...from what I have read about him, Julie, he is really a saint.

Sometimes, Julie, a lot of what we write in essays is what the tutor expects to hear. In other words, I once tried filling an essay with my own ideas and nearly failed the module !!! It's sometimes just a case of pleasing the tutor. That was the annoying bit I found out the hard way : ) : )

Once you get the degree, you are over the finishing line and will really be chuft with yoursef. : )

I am thinking of taking a Masters this year but to fund it is going to be really tight !!!

Have a good evening Julie ,

Vince : )

[stde]

Just to say..excellent post,thank you....regards....stde

[sheffieldwed]

Hi just to say how well you explained panic and you have suffered some stress over time its good to know that there are genually good peoptle out there to help us get through the bad times in life it was a excellent post and understood the way you feel thankyou you are so strong xxxx

[fadedlizard]

Hi Julie,

What a brilliant, insightful post.

I love the "depression is a sign you've been strong too long" quote. For a very long time I thought depression and anxiety were something that had just happened to me; lightning out of a clear blue sky. It really helped to realise that when I pieced it all together there were all sorts of triggers and incidents that proceeded it. Knowing where it came from makes me vigilant for the things I know now trigger it. If I know what they are sometimesI can guard against them.

Thank you for sharing your story. You've been through so much - you are a survivor and you'll survive this too.

Onwards and upwards

Good luck with your degree.

Keep in Touch,

Love,

Lizard.xx