Its been a while, struggling but accepting my illness

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to all those who have supported me since I've been on the site. You know who you are ;)

Sorry haven't blogged recently, things been a little tough and been trying to keep it together. Xmas break was supposed to be a chance to reccharge my batteries and try and put into place some strategies to help me attack 2013 with a fresh approach. Sadly went down hill more and anxiety and depression hitting an all time low. For months / years? Struggled to accept that this is me and part of my make up and when I recovered last time I sillyily thought I was sorted and brushed aside a lot of my support mechanism and this combined wi work pressures and finances sent me into a massive spiral. Being off work from September for 2 months didn't have the desired effect and meds changed and only just got apps for cbt for next week. Felt a little lost in the system and as I have said before Ivengot a ticking timebomb not just on my career but my life. I fully accept I need to stop worrying easier said than done and not to expect too much on a daily basis. I've made it tovwednesday.msomething after last week I didn't think I would get through to after convincing myself that all was lost and I was going to end it all. Of course my son kept me going and my contact time although hard with my negativity / worryingn/ anxiety is a delight to be shown so much love from a young man :) I know suicide is not an option not just for the effect on him but at times those thoughts were there and gathered pace last week.

Recovery is going to take time and hoping cbt will help, as long as I can struggle through a high presssured job in one piece and surviving each day.

Overall a very tough day but a positive evening with some exercise, tidying a coffee with a comrade helped. Lookingnforwardmto ,my horlicks and last zopliclone to knock me ot for the bigndisplinaryvmeeting tomorrow about my attendance, had my fluoxetine and trazedoene doubledmfornnextnweek to get me through, feeling like I rattle when I walk at the minute!

There are a number of challenges ahead in the next few days / weeks and months just hoping, positive actions,meds and therapy will help meet through it!

Take care you all and that we are all in this together and keep supporting each othernandnthe journeys ahead

Fw xxxxx

8 Replies

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  • Feel like i cant get through jst 1 more day at the moment, feelin extemly suicidal + anxous. Not lookin after my daughter at the moment, mental hlth team hav said im not well enough but still c her regulary. She is my only child + my entire world, keeps me frm ending my life at the moment. A phyciatrist 1nce told my mum that wen a mother commits suicide that a child never gets over this + really struggles 2 deal wiv as they can feel guilt. U wouldnt want 2 do this 2 ur son so jst b strong until u get over this bad patch, im sure its jst a setbck + u will soon recover. bst wishes + look aftet urself + son.xx

  • Hi there, thanks for your reply. How you feeling today? Hope you've had a better day. I just wanted to return your best wishes and that you will get though this. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but like you said there is something worth fighting for and that will keep us going and through this. Take care and best wishes and here's to a good day tomorrow x

  • To you both I can only say my heart goes out to you. To you, leehow, to ask you to accept how you feel is superfluous. At the moment you need close support from whoever is near you......but try not to despair. It WILL come right.

    flat. You use the word 'struggle' twice in your blog and you may know by now that is the very thing I feel is wrong. To struggle creates more anxiety, more fear just as does 'fighting'. Battling, struggling, fighting are natural instincts that is why it is so difficult not to do them but to recover we have to go against our natural reactions. You have heard of acceptance. It has appeared on this site very often and, for some has worked. I believe in it 100% because it worked for me but it took time. You sound more optimistic toward the end of your blog so try and fasten on to that feeling. A little encouragement goes a long way. My blessings and prayers are with you both. Love. jonathan.

  • Thanks as always jonathan for your reply. I know you have said before about acceptance and when up "out of my bubble" for a brief time I believe I can get through this. The struggling aspect I know ony makes things worse and does leadntovmore anxiety and negativity. Thank you :)

  • Hi flatwhite

    Great to see your blog , I have been thinking about you

    Sorry things seem a little rough for you

    I have been so low before that it has crossed my mind at times (mostly in the past ) about ending it all , but like you I am a parent & love my children as I no how much you think about your son , & when I have had that thought , I think about my children & think how could I leave them with that for the rest of their lives , it would be like giving them a sentence to live with , & that thought has soon pulled me through , it would be selfish of me to do that , no matter how hard I am struggling , I no we can feel we could be a better parent when we are suffering & sometimes when we are down a hug is all we can manage , but better a hug thatn leaving them with that to have to deal with for the rest of their lives

    Plus its not the answer .... I can see deep down you are strong & you want to get well even though you feel you are struggling , but you no on here , we have all been there , are there , etc & slowly we get to a stage that is better than where we started ..you have to keep believing & never give up ..

    Its true try to accept this is how you feel ...will make it alot easier

    I also understand you feel that everything is weighing you down , I had a wobble with exactly the same feelings a couple of days ago , left me so drained now , but I posted , & ok still worrying when things flash through my mind ,,, but I did what I could do for now & the rest well ...I cant do anything more at this moment , & what will be will be with some of them & I will sort them as & when they come & it might not be half as bad as what i think & even if it was i have to tell myself , I have to accept & deal with it & with support I will & so will you , just the same as accepting this is how we feel

    Its true just a little encouragement does go along way & knowing someone is there & knows how you feel , this site gives you that keep using it

    Look forward to hearing from you soon

    whywhy xxx

  • Thank you for your lovely reply. I must admit the one thing stopping me doing anything serious is my son. Just because Ive messed up my life I don't want to have any impact on him. Just want to get better but at times I struggle to know how to.

    Just need to give myself a break and give my mind a rest :)

    Take care and thanks again x

  • Flatwhite

    You have not messed up your life , none of us get up & ask to have anxiety , it is just something some of us suffer from , please dont ever blame your self , i dont , others dont & no one should , why would we ask to be like this ? we wouldnt

    Any other problems money , debt etc again its circumstance , this happens to the best of us , its not us messing up , we get low & blame ourselfs for everything !

    As is said , we have to stop fighting this & accept , then slowly & I believe it is a slow recovery , we will get stronger

    Stay in the day , best one for me that is , i have lots of things happening , but if I let my head rush of , i would be in a heap

    Be the best you can be in any day , some days that might not be so good , others better , but as long as each day you can think "thats the best I could do today " that is good enough

    Keep talking

    All here for you

    whywhy xxx

  • Thanku 4 ur luvly message flatwhite, but no im really strugglin like u 2 r. Find it impossible 2 keep still + not run. also feelin really ill 2nite, got an awfull migrain + feel like throwin up wiv it. Hope u r ok + good 2 hear frm som1 like u who knowd wot im goin through. goodnite + godbless u. hope u hav a good day 2moz.xx

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