Sorry, me again, whinging!
Just feel hopeless - Life seems like a flat, grey blank landscape. I don't feel well - physically - everything's an effort. People tell me to "get out" and "do thing" - they've no idea how difficult that is, both practically - no transport and not much to "do" where i life anyway - or emotionally - the sheer effort of getting up, washed/dressed and out the door - to go where? The places/thing I'd like to go to/do I can't or only with great difficulty without transport. I've mentioned my support worker before - but if I tell her to go to hell, then NO-ONE will vist me, I'll see no-one. I can't even read atm - and I'm a great reader. i just watch crap tv or play on the computer
I'd go back to my dr, but my old GP who was very supportive retired beginning of this year; I started to see her partner, who I'd seen occasionally and had always been good. But think he's pissed off with me, not really interested - just written me off as a neurotic who will always be a pain in the neck, so don't feel like seeing him again. I know if I go back to any GP they'll push anti-depresants - well, maybe i do need them atm, but I've tried virtually al of them and they've never helped - some have made me worse!
Sorry, I'm trying to think it's just Christmas/New Year, the weather etc but - I dunno. Last night - don't worry, I don't think I'll ever do it - but I found myself just thinking - Oh well, in the last analysis, i can kill myself! Which scared me! Although not as much as it should.