Losing hope

Sorry, me again, whinging! :'(

Just feel hopeless - Life seems like a flat, grey blank landscape. I don't feel well - physically - everything's an effort. People tell me to "get out" and "do thing" - they've no idea how difficult that is, both practically - no transport and not much to "do" where i life anyway - or emotionally - the sheer effort of getting up, washed/dressed and out the door - to go where? The places/thing I'd like to go to/do I can't or only with great difficulty without transport. I've mentioned my support worker before - but if I tell her to go to hell, then NO-ONE will vist me, I'll see no-one. I can't even read atm - and I'm a great reader. i just watch crap tv or play on the computer :(

I'd go back to my dr, but my old GP who was very supportive retired beginning of this year; I started to see her partner, who I'd seen occasionally and had always been good. But think he's pissed off with me, not really interested - just written me off as a neurotic who will always be a pain in the neck, so don't feel like seeing him again. I know if I go back to any GP they'll push anti-depresants - well, maybe i do need them atm, but I've tried virtually al of them and they've never helped - some have made me worse! :'(

Sorry, I'm trying to think it's just Christmas/New Year, the weather etc but - I dunno. Last night - don't worry, I don't think I'll ever do it - but I found myself just thinking - Oh well, in the last analysis, i can kill myself! Which scared me! Although not as much as it should.

Sorry

Rose

xxxxx

Sorry

41 Replies

oldestnewest
  • BriarRose.

    Why are you apologising for how you are feeling. You are one of the loveliest people on here (plenty of you) and you always give advice. You feel rubbish so you have every right to vent on here, Isnt what this place is for. To boost others when they cant do it themselves.

    Sending you tonnes of love and big hugs. I cant get how you are feeling. All i can do is let you know i am here. I am sure the rest of the "lovely ones" will be here to help you.

    Love Lou. xxx

  • Bless you, Lou, you're one of the "lovely ones" too! I just feel I whinge more than i help atm! :'(

    Love

    Rose

    xxx

  • PS Why can't doctors etc realise that we don't WANT to feel like this!!! I'd love to wake up, feeling - well happy would be great, reasonable would be good - and think Right, what shall I do today??? I didn't ask for this travesty of a Life I'm trying to live - why is it only MH patients who are "blamed"???

    xxx

  • Rose, you know that winging, ranting 'having a go' is what this is all about.You have said it often enough. You're going through the 'valley of the shadow' at the moment but it is a valley and it has an end and comes out on the open plain. I feel as if I am teaching my grandmother to suck eggs because you have given so much helpful advice to others but I KNOW how difficult it is to take one's own advice. Weather, New Year, what the hell! This can happen on a fine Summers day, as you know. Rose, put these thoughts out of your mind. All the people you have helped look to you and to see you like this and it is very upsetting. Me being selfish? Yes, but I mean it. Keep posting. We are all gunning for you, but then you know that. Lots of Love. jonathan.

  • Not GUNNING for you Rose. I don't know where that came from. I meant, of course, all behind you. J.

  • Oh Jonathan - that really made my morning!!!! Haven't laughed so much in ages!!!!!xxxxx :)

  • Freudian slip there, Jonathan! ;) I shall keep an eye out for a man called Jonathan who'se packing a semi-automatic! ;) xxx

  • More a pea shooter these days!!!

  • hahahaha oh Jonathan your post is funny, if that hasnt cheered Rose up it certainly has cheered a lot of people on here, and Rose, Jonathan will be packing a semi automatic pea shooter firing loads of love and hugs to you and il just fill my AK47 with lots of cuddles and fire them right at you xxx

  • Ha Ha anothr slip

  • Hi Rose,

    *hugs*. I feel your pain and can relate to what you're saying about everything seeming hopeless and too much of an effort.

    Something that helps me sometimes - just indulge in it. Don't get up, don't get dressed (just stay in your PJs as long as you want - more comfortable anyway IMHO), just do whatever you feel like doing, or not doing. Don't listen to what anyone tells you of what you ought to be doing. I guarantee after a bit, you'll feel better and want to resume your old habits. I think sometimes its the stress of what everyone expects us to do that just gets to us. Hope this makes sense.

    And please, no killing yourself. There are too many of us here who care for you. But yes, having recently had such thoughts myself, I understand how it can be when things get too overwhelming - killing yourself just seems like the most logical solution. And yep, been there too, when that option doesn't scare me as much as it should.

    Keep posting. We're all rooting here for you gal!

  • Thank you, my friends! xxxxx Don't know that I've felt this low in a long time - if ever! I do think the weather has had something to do with it - I mean, it's not exactly cheery, is it - and I dunno, I usualy don't have aproblem with Chrisrmas/New Year but this year it's just seemed a long, blank nothingness! I won't say "sorry" again or Jonathan might start "gunning" for me for real ;) - thanks, Jonathan, made me smile a little at least. Just feel - oh I dunno - why didn't I die when I was happy??? xxxx

  • "Sorry" for the typos!

  • Hi Rose,

    You're not allowed to loose hope: didn't you get that memo?! And if I'm not allowed to kill myself I'm sure you're not. We're both in it for the long haul, girl.

    And while we're looking at extreme solutions - can you move? I'm suspecting the answer to this is NO. I usually try and grab people by the throat when they offer up that as the easy solution to all my woes but I'm thinking I'm far enough away, you can't get me!!!

    Seriously though darling, you need more support than you're getting. Would the doc consider sending you a CPN? In my experience another useless visitor who'll never turn up when you want them but hey ho?!! It might work for you. I also think anti depressants might help in the short term to see you through this patch.

    Try to stay strong, Rose - Spring is on the way.

    Keep blogging.

    Love and Hugs,

    Lizard.

  • There is one thing about being on here.........................you are never alone. xxx

  • Because you are going to be happy again Rose! The weather , the season, everything is dragging on and on somehow this year. Everyone values you so very much Rose....don't you dare think of getting away from us. You're stuck with us now I'm afraid lol !! You have a lot of things pending love. I would suggest wiping the slate clean with the support worker but telling her that you have!!!! and you would like to see her when you are supposed to as you need her and you are a priority. I am sure she will have heard worse and hopefully she will understand you need to see her regularly and AS arranged. Write down the things you have to arrange medically and when normal hours are resumed do them one by one. I'm sure you know all this and what Jon says about sucking eggs is true. Just sometimes you need to be told by someone else, with the best of intentions of course my love :) We are with you every step of the way and only have your very best interests at heart. Oh my lovely Rose! wish I could hug you, but I will tell you " It's going to be alright" Love and Hugs x Ella x

  • Hi Rose

    I no how you feel , I dont go any where , i dont get dressed , as well as mental , physical problems stop me as well , i keep pottering around the house & can keep myself occupied & feel secure doing that , but I do have my hubby & son to keep me company which without , i can imagine I would feel very lonely as I can feel that even though they are here

    I no what you mean about GP , i have seen one for years who I feel is getting fed up of me , I am no good with tablets , lots dont suit me & she has started making comments , might as well just say to me well if you wont take them , just go away , she is one of those GP'S that just wants to drug you up , I think that way you wont keep going back as you will be to out of it & you wont keep complaing about physical pain as again to drugged up to feel it , I think its an easy way out with some of them

    I am seeing a different one at the moment , I looked on line at the things our GP's have specialized in & the one I am seeing says she did mental health , so I thought I would see her , I dont no if you can get yours up & see if any of them have that at the side of their names

    If she ends up any better than the other , well I dont no !

    I also dread going , thinking they are fed up of me , but then I think "well if it wasnt for people like me , they might be out of a job & I have to remember they do get paid good money for seeing us ! so they need us as much as we need them !

    This time of year though is always a low one , even for those without problems , the weather , the aftermath of XMAS & so on , that wont be helping

    I have to agree with others , even though I dont no you as well , but you do come across as one of the nicest people on here !

    whywhy

  • See how we love you!!!!! :) xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Love you too, hun, loads! :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi Lizard, and Lou - forgivemy typing atm, all over the place :(

    No Lizard, sorry i didn't get that memo - well, maybe I did, it's probably on the pile of things I'll get round to reading/doing "when i feel better" ;)

    No, Lizard, I'm not going to grab you by the throat - even virtually - I AM trying to move. I've had my name down for a small flat in a "slightly" supported housing scheme in Bath - I'm an historian by training and i absolutely LOVE architctural history which i can't type atm - one of the big miseries of my life is losing my car, cos i used to adore visiting NT properties - and of course neither of my sisters ever think "Oh, why don't we take Rose to such and such a house - she'd love that!" :( Anyway, I'm "on the list" for a flat - might be a studio flat (posh bed-sit) or one bedroom flat - but it just depends what/when something becomes available! I think i'd love Bath - well, I DO love Bath - all that architecture, and Jane Austen and the rest - though the thought of moving scares the sh*t out of me tbh!!! But, as I say, it's just a waiting game :(

    As for the rest - I dunno about ADs, they take a while to kick in, even if they work at all - they tend not to on me - and i think my GP is about as likely to give me a CPN as he is to donate half his salary to my bank account! Sorry, (whoops!) but a bit cynical atm!

    Bless you all for caring - and, Jonathan, I AM sorry for being a pain in the neck.

    Might go back to bed ina bit - not doing any good sitting here feeling sorry for myself! :(

    Lots of love and bless you all

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi Rose,

    Hope you are feeling better after your rest.

    Bath sounds lovely, ideal for a historian who likes a bit of culture. Keep on at them, Rose, I know it's so exhausting but you NEED the move. I know what it's like to live in a part of the world with poor transport links and all those big houses we like to visit (I'm a historian too) are annoyingly situated in the middle of nowhere. Of course I COULD drive, all those (recently throttled) people who keep telling me to move house tell me this too. But I never really took to it. My anxiety and a large powerful machine never seemed like a good combination. I can drive if there is no traffic on the road but people inconveniently keep leaving their homes and driving towards me!!! To be honest I think the instructor was more relieved than me when I gave up and anyway his habit of trying to fend off trees through the passenger window was starting to unnerve me!!!!

    Hope you're ok, love.

    Take Care.xx

  • Ooh Bath!! I love that place too. I feel so excited for you!

  • Thanks, Maya, i love it too, n I think I could have SO much more of a life there. I mean, there woul be company, because it is a community, and they have lunch clubs and that, and also some U3A groups meet there. But, more importantly for me, it's a few minutes walk into town (or a cheap taxi ride!) and there's al the culture vulture stuff which is meat and drink to me, and which I have none of atm :( The thought of movng scares the hell out of me, tbh, but i think if I can do it, it would be a new lease of life - as opposed to the "existence" I have atm!

    Bless you - I'll send you a postcard when I get there! :) xxxxxxxx

  • Keeping my fingers crossed for you! I really hope you get the place in Bath and the new lease on life! :)

  • Bless you hun, and thanks! So do I! :-D xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Oh, god, my dear friends!!!!! :'( My email inbox has been going berserk with notices "Email from Anxiety UK" "Email from Anxiety UK" "Email from Anxiety UK" LOL!!! Bless you, bless you, bless you all!!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Ella, yes, i will try to have a word with my suport worker, though tbh as of this minute I'm in no state for a "fight" - why do we have to fight when we're at our lowest? No fair! :( Thank you for telling me i will be happy again, my love, I'll try to hang on to that, cos atm it doesn't feel like it! But i'll just tell myself that Ella insists! ;) xxxxx

    Whywhy, my surgery used to be fantastic, but it's gone downhill drastically over the last few years, as the "old guard" have left :( I have looked them up on the net - though I will try again - but there were loads of complaints inthe "Feedback" bit, mainly about how difficult it was to actually SEE a doctor, let alone the one you wanted to see! Don't think they had anything on there about any particular interests they had - not sure, certainly don't remember, cos if I'd seen someone who specialised in MH I'd have been camped on their doorstep! ;) but i will look again.

    Thank you all SO much, actually i DO feel better for having a right good whinge, so I take back all the "sorries" -hear that, Jonathan? You are all fantastic people - I'v always had the theory that people with MH problems are generally nicer than those without - we care too much, that's part of the problem. The "sanest" people i know aren't actually very kind or caring - including my sisters!

    Often reminded of a line from George Bernard Shaw's "St Joan" about Joan of Arc - she comes back to life at the end of the play, and no-one wants to know her, cos she's a disruptive influence, and she says

    "Oh, God, must one of your saints die in agony in every generation, to save those with no imagination?!" Looks like it!

    Love in lashings, my lovely lovely lovely friends.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Ahem.............................what about the odd "normal" ones. Mind they do say i aint normal at work:-) xxxx

  • Awww, Lou, hun, you're one of the exceptions - someone who hasn't "been there" but who understands and cares - they are VERY VERY special people, and we should treasure them - as we all do you!

    Love yah, hun, you're a bright star in a dark sky!

    Loads of love, hun! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi folks, going back to bed for a bit,so if i'm not around I HAVEN'T thrown myself in the nearest duck pond! ;) Bless you all, catch you later, big hugs and thanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi Rose,

    I hope you are feeling better after your snooze.

    Maybe think about trying meds again? I was sceptical about going on meds again, and when i did go back on them, i felt awful for weeks, its only lately iv been feeling a lot better, iv even scrubbed my house this morning because i want it clean for new year, ive not felt like doing housework for weeks and couldn't bring myself to do it, but this morning, i scrubbed my kitchen for hours and hoovered up n downstairs. I'm on 20mg of fluoxetine, was put on them in October, and im not going to lie, i did feel awful for weeks until they got into my system. My OH has noticed a big difference in my mood, and says iv got a smile on my face these days, don't get me wrong, i have down days too but they're not as bad as they were.

    Are there any anxiety groups in your area your Dr can refer you to, like a womens centre, we have one here in Bootle Liverpool which do groups for women to vent their frustrations and make friends swancentresefton.co.uk/ iv sent you the link so you can read about it and maybe ask your Dr if there is a centre like this one in your area. Have a look, tell me what you think, i have been a few times and had chats counsellors there, but talking therapy didnt work with me, it sounds like you just need to meet other people like yourself for company in your area and maybe your Dr or health visitor may know a place like that near you.

    Hope you are feeling better

    Lin x

  • LOL Rose...I have had a "right good laugh now" set your alarm cos we are off to Egypt soon with Rouri! Love and Hugs x Ella x

  • Hi ella, you trying to confuse me? Hadn't read Rouri's blog when I read this and thought - Oh, dear, poor Ella has finally flipped! ;) Just read it now, and I'm up for it - when do we leave? And I want that cute little camel!!! :-D

    Lots of love, had loooong sleep and feel so much better!

    Bless you all, you lovely people! You're stars

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Love in lashings

    Rose xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Sorry Babe, I am sooooooooo glad you feel a lot better! Love and Hugs x Ella x

  • bless you, honey, you're a star - no I know you don't come out at night, but you're still a star! :) Loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • :) x

  • dont lose hope were all here for you and i like talking to you and your advice is really helping me

    please reply so i know your ok

    loulou66

  • Aww Lou, sorry didn't mean to worry you! Yeah, not too bad, ta, think I'm made of rubber, keep bouncing back, though a bit bruised where I keep hitting rock bottom ;) Hope you're okay, my sweet! xxxxxxxxx

  • all ways here if you need to let off steam or rant or just talk

    xxxxxxxx

  • Aww bless you, hun!!! just really tired today - slept most of it! :-O xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • sleep does you good sometimes xx

    here for you xx

  • know what you mean about hitting rock bottom but keep bouncing back ,been there ,really pleased your ok

    hugs xxxxxxxxxx

You may also like...