no way out

[diaclone480]

my sons 4th birthday party today, i had anxiety about it, getting to the venue. i then had a massive panic attack and subsequently have not attended. my partner was none too happy, words were used like ridiculous, pathetic and get a grip. just do it was another and then to finish off saying she may as well be a single parent. after they left i felt awful and wanted to let my emotions out, i tried to cry and get angry but nothing. i then got into the car and set off to the venue but got halfway there when the voice of doubt and negative thought grew too loud and i had another panic attack. driving back home i was empty, a shell and the only thoughts i had was how much better off my family would be without me. i accelerated the car heading towards a roundabout and closed my eyes for what i thought was a fraction of a second. i was very lucky to avoid an accident but was not bothered in the slightest. i had no relief that it was avoided. i am now scared that i have come to a point where i feel my only option is to leave. i am not looking for sympathy or attention, i guess i'm desperate and hoping that there maybe a way out.

[Hidden]

Hiya Diaclone480

I am sorry you are feeling low and anxiety ridden, on this site people will not tell you to 'get a grip' or 'snap out of it'.............but, what i WILL tell you is please do not get into your car and crash it!! I know you feel low and are not bothered about your own life, but think about the people you will be leaving behind or other families whose lives you will devastate if you crash into someone else and cause an accident purposely, think about the devastation you will cause, not only to yourself but other innocent people!!! Im sorry to be blunt, but this post made me angry a bit, after all the car accidents that have happened recently and innocent children being killed and it makes me think, being a driver myself, if i felt this way, i would never get into my car and drive. I have compassion for people who suffer anxiety and panic attacks and people who feel suicidal, but im sorry, this post made me angry...........please, if you are feeling bad and suicidal, dont get into your car and drive. I honestly understand your situation as i suffer terrible with anxiety and panic issues and how isolating this can be, you will feel better soon. Have you spoke to your gp about this or are you on medication?

[diaclone480]

i am not intentionally wishing to end my life, i highlighted it as to explain that i feel nothing and that i see no way out. i have seen my gp and am awaiting to begin therapy in january, not on meds, suffered since 1997. scared to take meds in case they amplify the feelings.

[ellabella]

Sorry love no easy way out for you or me. I have experienced that feeling twice whilst travelling and it's very powerful. Luckily I wasn't in control of either the car or the plane. You are deeply depressed and the sooner you get some help the better. I'm glad you have written it down. Just think of the horrible mess someone would have to scrape up of the floor or wherever you landed and how you would give them recurring nightmares for the rest of their lives. Think of your little son who would have a sad Birthday for the rest of his life. I am glad you have written this down I say again. Print it off and keep reading it, give a copy to your GP and a copy to your partner too. I feel so bad for you diaclone! I wish I could hug you and tell you it will be alright face to face, but I can't I can just reassure you that it will change! You will pass through this time......and with help from your Doc and us you will get there love. Time passes slowly when we are struggling and fast when we are happy but it passes, no doubt about that. Be kind to yourself and brush the retorts away, they mean nothing. Just angry words that do hurt and sting but not said with understanding of how we can feel. Take heart my friend and resolve from the depth of your being to move this along . Accept it has happened....and you will survive it Lots of Love and Hugs x Ella x

[Hidden]

Hi. diaclone. Devastating, absolutely devastating! That is the only way to describe what you are going through. BUT, take heart. Many on this site have been or are going through what you are at this moment. To expect anyone who has not been where you are now to understand is expecting the impossible. Some non suffers (and we have one on this site) do understand and are sympathetic but in general there is a complete lack of understanding about nervous illness. Don't blame them. How could they know when they haven't experienced it? Your lack of emotion is such a classic symptom and to be expected.The incident at the roundabout was a subconscious desire to get rid of the feelings by doing something drastic, another classic symptom. So you see, we all understand here, and you most certainly are not alone. Being a man does not help. So much is expected. Stiff upper lip. etc. Now try and realise you are not alone and accept, for the moment, how you feel. These are NORMAL reactions for someone in an anxiety state. You are NOT going mad. Far from it. The fact that you came on here testifies to that. Have you seen your GP? Mild medication can help get you over the immediate problem so that you can calmly look at you situation. Do try to realise that this need not last if treated properly. Very best wishes to you and good luck. jonathan.

[ellabella]

Meds will NOT amplify the feelings they are much needed now xxxxxxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Diaclone.

I always felt let down by my OH when he wasnt there for things since Aug. You have actually given me a better understanding on how you are feeling, and how hard it is to do things.

Gona sound repetitive now. Will you not show your partner this site. I dont suffer from anxiety, but my OH does. If i hadnt have found this site i would have done one by now. As the "normal" one its hard to know what its like for yourselves. I still get frustrated with him. If you read my blogs i could still walk away cos its so frustrating. Can she not read and get some understanding what you must be feeling like. Plus i am here to be on that other side. She no doubt be peed off. Crikey i feel like that loads. Its just you have to try and understand.

Love Lou. xx

[Hidden]

*meaning us "normal" ones have to try and understand. Wasnt meaning you.* xx

[fadedlizard]

Oh Diaclone,

What a terrible experience all round. Allow yourself a small chink of light though - even in the grip of a terrible urge to end your life (and I know how strong that urge can be) you were able to get home safely. This is a good thing, honestly.

There is a lot of good advice above so please try to follow it.

You're not alone in this.

Be safe,

Love and Best Wishes,

Lizard.x

[hollow]

Hi diaclone there is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said other than I understand your not wanting to take meds and to say although it may feel like it you're not alone, try not to beat yourself up too much. I would also consider showing your partner this blog including the replies.

[Rebeccas]

Hi, how are you feeling today? Birthdays and Christmas Etc always seem to be a difficult time, they always make you feel so guilty too!

Rebecca.

[valentin77]

hi there,you must realize you have an anxiety illness,anxiety is an illness,like flu,or smoking addiction or a broken leg.Don't judge yourself for having an illness.And most importantly,you can still give love and assistance and support and company,(at least to some extent)to your son,partner,friends etc.

I'm concerned that your partner,(although understandably frustrated,irritated and at times perhaps angry),does not understand that you have a medical psycho-physical illness that you have little control over and will need support,love,acceptance and therapy to get over it.

Pressure and demand,by yourself or your partner doesn't make it better,in fact with many it only makes anxiety worse.So perhaps your partner needs to learn that you have a 'disability',just as some people are obese,don't exercise enough,smoke or drink unhealthily.They are also unhealthily potentially destroying their lives and not necessarily with any conscious control over their damaging addiction or avoidance.

There are dozens of treatments available for your condition,it's just experimenting and finding the one.or few.that work for you personally.So keep trying,not by pressuring yourself to be different from how you are,(anxiety and all),but by trying treatments.If not drugs,then hypnotherapy,if not hypnotherapy,then counselling,if not then C.B.T.,if not then daily progressive relaxation,if not then........so on and so on,and you panic and anxiety WILL get less.Find the right techniques or treatments for you and you WILL get better.Josef