my sons 4th birthday party today, i had anxiety about it, getting to the venue. i then had a massive panic attack and subsequently have not attended. my partner was none too happy, words were used like ridiculous, pathetic and get a grip. just do it was another and then to finish off saying she may as well be a single parent. after they left i felt awful and wanted to let my emotions out, i tried to cry and get angry but nothing. i then got into the car and set off to the venue but got halfway there when the voice of doubt and negative thought grew too loud and i had another panic attack. driving back home i was empty, a shell and the only thoughts i had was how much better off my family would be without me. i accelerated the car heading towards a roundabout and closed my eyes for what i thought was a fraction of a second. i was very lucky to avoid an accident but was not bothered in the slightest. i had no relief that it was avoided. i am now scared that i have come to a point where i feel my only option is to leave. i am not looking for sympathy or attention, i guess i'm desperate and hoping that there maybe a way out.
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