Day one-the beginning of my story,literally

I was once 10 years old, I was always worried that I would give the wrong answer,be laughed at,be socially unacceptable.

I was quiet,never asked for help.

One day I woke up and my stomach was in knots and my heart was leaping in my chest like I had just ran a particularly hard sack race.

I was sad all the time and didn't want to go to school or leave the house at all,I used to scream and cry in the mornings, some days I got my way, others I had to leave my safe place and go to school.

With screaming,happy, "normal" children.

Most days I came home.

At night in bed I couldnt breathe, sometimes if I was really bad in public I would faint.

The doctors didn't know what was wrong,my parents were at their wits end,I was told I was anaemic.

When your 10 you can't tell people what is wrong and they start to resent you think your seeking attention when it goes on and on for years.

When I was 13 it wasn't so bad, I rarely had panic attacks I was under control, I must have been attention seeking,I thought,I really was making it up.

Now im 27,fully grown and this nameless thing is claiming me again

Making a hostage of my emotions and esteem.

Turns out, when your 27, you still can't tell people what's wrong.

They still can't understand, but they can stick you on a tablet and hopefully you will be so tired you won't have time to worry and your heart will stay in your chest.

3 Replies

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  • The thing is that it does have a name and with alot of symptoms the same it can be given many different names but you don't need to put a label on it just accept it is part of your life and something that you will deal with and each time learn something about "IT" that will help the next time. As it is different for everyone and different meds might help one person but make another feel worse, I feel depression and anxiety are a very personal illness so we have to be actively involved in our own recovery and meds that turn you into a zombie may be ok for a short time to give the brain a rest but long term you just end up fighting to feel "NORMAL" ( whatever that is) lol. The meds I take now have no side effects, no tiredness, they suit me, but I have taken so many different types that had no effect or alarming side effects, but I do still get bouts of depression whilst taking tablets, anti depressants are to give us a lift/rest to be able to begin our journey again…… not a cure, we have to find that ourselves

    Good luck on your journey and start noticing the little things we take for granted like nature and the scenery, when was the last time you just stood and looked maybe watch a spider build its web? Anything that brings us out of our heads and stops us analyzeing our own every thought. Steve

  • Hi. Loo. thunder is right, "IT" does have a name apart from the expletives we would thrust upon it. It is an anxiety state. Now do not be alarmed by this and read me out. You are lucky; yes you are! At your age you have every chance of complete recovery. I had to wait into my fifties to have this problem and it takes a lot longer to recover then. You are 'sensitised' because you are a sensitive person. You were as a child and this has gone into adulthood. Now in lots of ways this sensitivity is unique. You do express yourself well and to be able to communicate in this way is very helpful. Now I am not patronising you when I say that when (not IF) you begin to recover you will find you will be able to give considerable help to other sufferers. Your sensitivity will be put to good use. You are not attention seeking or making it up. No one wants this rotten complaint and it is not your fault you are a sensitive person. Another thing you need to understand. People who have not' been there' do not know what you are talking about so do not try to explain. You may have sympathy and a lot of help but very little understanding. You are most certainly not daft, potty, mental or any of the other silly words that those of little understanding use.

    Can you just ACCEPT the way you are at the moment? This is not easy but it will gradually give you the chance to think more clearly and to, perhaps, realise you are not some sort of freak. I am glad you put 'normal' in inverted commas. What is 'normal'? The people on this site are (my opinion only) more normal than a lot of so called 'normal' people outside. They suffer and, if you continue here, you will find them helpful and understanding. You will also find them courageous. If you have been prescribed tablets then take them for the moment. You will not always need them. Yes, you are being held hostage by your emotions but we all are to a greater or lesser degree. Come back whenever you want to. It is good to talk to you. Blessings. jonathan.

  • This was merely an entry to a blog,almost a story of how I came to feel this way.

    I am not saying I will never recover and woe is me!

    It was always meant to be exactly what it is, a short verse or story on my life and how I came to be this way.

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