Runnin in the rain today. #escapism! Love / Hate, Life / Death, Black / White…..it’s one or the other in life. We are taught such, at a young age. The Benny Goodman song title says it best…..”Gotta be this or that”. However, with me, with my issues, anxieties and such…. Many times, it is not as simple as one or the other. Many times I feel what can only be called….”Off” a little left of center, not right, not quite myself, can’t put my finger on it. So I sit, so I walk, so I go for a run, so I type…I do anything other than just think. Thinking will someday kill me. I am certain of it, but it will not be today, and more than likely not for quite a while.
You see, I have two little girls. Sisters extraordinaire so to say. 7 and 4 years old. Someday, they will grow weary of my charms and some other man will hold their hearts. Someday they will not need me as much. I am warned of the middle school and teenage years by friends. I’ve no idea how to be the Dad who loves them from a distance. I won’t have less hugs to give just because they are older. I wont want to lessen the times I just pick them up off the ground and tell them that they are my whole wide world. Yet I am supposed to it seems. That won’t work for me.
I am scared. No, really I am. It’s the lightheaded I feel like I may pass out feeling. Hardest part is defining the scope of reality. It is a real physical symptom and something has gone wrong? Or is it merely anxiety? Over the years, defining this has been the hardest. Just the other day I was on my way to see clients…should I tell this story? Does anyone really read these? I shall tell it. Maybe someone can relate or feel less alone.
Major client meeting at 10 am. I leave late due to one thing or another. Seems ok though. Driving and the world seemed fine. BOOM! Not sure what but I felt off, then scared and then I felt the dreaded “I cannot get enough air”. Windows down, windows up, heat on, AC on, nothing! Is it my stomach? Am I panicking and taking in air, which will bloat a bit and push on the diaphragm making it feel like I cant get air? Pulse ox is at home…am I getting enough oxygen? Heart ripples….pain in chest. Is it a heart attack? Is it acid reflux? Now of course I have to go to the bathroom and feel sick to my stomach. I need a store tl walk around in, or better yet….one that has the free blood pressure checker machines! I find an Aldi’s.
Walking around the Aldi’s sick and scared. In and out of bathroom….all the while the clock is ticking for the client appointment. Major client! Back in the mini-van. I took the mini-van instead of the car. I could lay down in the third row seat and try to relax with an app on my phone that plays sounds like water and such. No time. Back on the road I go. Scared again. Is it a heart attack? I see a Rite Aid. I pull in. I look at Christmas ornaments. Wow they are out already? I see a snowglode….I feel like everything will spin…I wish for a moment I was in the snowglobe, it looks safe in there. SEGA system with all the games for 49.99….I finally see the blood pressure machine. It’s up a bit. I am not shocked. I push through. I am late, make it late, but save the account. This….was….a…day….in….my…life……