Depression, Anxiety, Depersonalization a hint of schizophrenia I went through it all - This is my story

Hello fellow answer seekers

5 years ago I was Institutionalized from a reaction to marijuana known as Phycosis,

for the next 5 years it took me on one hell of a journey so i'll start at the beginning,

I was institutionalized for a psychotic episode back in 2010,

I had a pipe, I started feeling a bit too comfortable in saying the most open minded things

and had trouble for a moment in controlling my implusive actions so off I went, I was very

high still when I arrived and was thinking about the limitless power we have in our mind

and how I can have some control over curtain things, and for some reason the world complied

with that at the wrong moment, I guess I was lucky, to we arrived at the door and I didn't

want it to go in so I held that thought 'I don't want to go" and low and behold the door

refused to open with the nurses pass key, then I thought 'wow ok I want to go in now' and again the

door opened and the lady let me in and I said bye to my parents, Then because it was quite

late and it was my first time here she said to me, would you like a sleeping tablet to help

you sleep, a thought came across 'if you take this they are going to use it against you

tomorrow' but I was like why not, easy sleep a few tablets and i'll deal with my thought

tomorrow, so two sleeping tablets and off to my room, we got there and I saw on the door

that my name was already written there, the nurse freaked and said there was a girl who

had just gone home with the same name in that room, I was ok whatever I just want to go

to bed, I hopped in bed and went straight to sleep,

the next morning I got up went and

had a look around, then a little man doctor came and sat next to me, asked how I was feeling,

I said yeah good no problems, then he said 'ok good' smiled and walked away, a few minutes

later he came back with a little cup with pills, I said 'what's this?' he goes 'it's your

meidcation' and I was thinking, they haven't even concilled with me what it is? what they

think I have' so I said 'no i'm not taking it', the little man doctor said 'I can't force

you but it will make you better', and I said no again causally, NOW you remember how I said

before those sleeping pills are going to come back to bite me well here it comes, the

little man doctor starts to get annoyed and says 'you came in here because you were unwell

yes?' and I responded 'no I was brung here by my parents, they thought I was unwell'

and then he said (wait for it) 'ok well why did you take the sleeping tablets then?' and

pop I was like in my head "I KNEW IT!!! HAHAHA" and I calmly said "because I wanted a good

sleep' he looked angry and said 'ok' and walk off, I was happy, went outside for a ciggerette

but the war of the medication was not over,

later my family came in, and had to have a

meeting with the doctors, they told them I have to stay in here for a week just to make sure

i'm ok, my family agreed, they told me, I agreed too, I didn't see the harm, so every evening

the little doctor man would come up to me and say 'it's time for your medication' and I

would say 'no thank you' I think we got to the point where as he was walking up i'd just

shake my head and he'd just turn around and walk back, but after 3 days i was bored, wanted

to go home and I picked up this booklet that said "your rights" and it said down the very

bottom "you have the right to do what YOU want and no one can stop you" so I stood at the

door at the exit and called the nurse, I showed him the booklet and said "this book says I

have the right to do whatever I want to do and noone can stop me, is this right?"

he looked at me annoyed and said 'yes' so I said "so what is going to happen when I step

out this door?" he said "I will have to bring you back" so I step over the line of the door

and he says "please come back over the line" i said "but I want to go home, will you stop

me?" he repeated "come inside please" I took another step backwards, then he walks away,

I stood where I was standing and held up the booklet of my rights, then to big guys came

and said I had to go with them, I didn't struggle I just walked between them and I was

put in the isolation ward, I was like pffft I knew it wasn't true,

so I was put in the isolation ward with 2 others and then I met the doctor that really

started the wierdest 5 years of my life, again every 2 or 3 hours he would ask me to take

the medacation, he was old short and long hair and spoke nicely, everytime he asked I said

'no thank you' and smiled back at him, then the next day I sat down waited for my usual

question but his time wow harsh, he's face turned mean and forcefully said "look if you

don't take this medication I will put you in a little room with a chair and inject it into

you' I was shaken, then he goes "go outside and have a think about it' I went out and a lady

was there who heard the converstation, she said to me "just take the medication, you don't

want to go in there, I said no the medication and they dragged me by the hair, I still have

the bruises" she showed me her legs and bruising, so I went over and said "ok i'll take it"

he looked please and in they go, within ten minutes my body felt like it was turning to mush

I feel asleep and woke up the next day feeling like I was in slow motion, groggy, I tried to

talk but I couldn't,

my family had to come in for a meeting with me and the doctors,

they told them I have to take this medication 2 times a day maybe for the rest of my life,

I was so annoyed, I coudln't tell my parents I was fine, nothings wrong because I was in

too deep, so I just said yes ok blah blah, the meeting finished and the nurses said I could

go out of isolation, then when I was wondering around a few people had noticed I had been

fighting the medication and told me "a few tricks to not take it is to eat something stick

it up the roof of your mouth, stick the medication to it and when they check your mouth they

can't see it, also alot of water straight after gets it out of your system" so I did that

for a week and I was let out,

I went home and I felt everyone just watching me, it was wierd,

so at this stage I was fine still, my parents thought taking my medication,

and after 5 days mum says "your doing really well" and I said "thank you and I will show you

why" I went into my room and pours my unswolloed meds on the table, there was a wierd silence,

they wanted me to take it still, so for 6 months I took about 10 tablets all up, then I told

my mum again that I hadn't been taking them, she said to me "if you don't take them I will

force you to take them" so I took the medication for 10 days straight, I fell into a very

very VERY deep depression, for the first time in my life I didn't see the point in living,

I was numb, I went to councilling, and was restutionlized for suicidal thoughts on my

own acord, I stayed for a week and it got worse but I said I was getting better because

I'd rather be at home, so they let me out gave me antidepressents which I also didn't take

and went back to councilling, all I could hear is what they have been told to say so

by the end I was so over not having answers of why I feel this way that I just said

I was fine once again and thought 'i'm going to figure this out'so for the next year and

a half I was just so confused,I wanted to be happy but the feeling just wouldn't come,

then I started drinking, every day, I didn't feel any happier but

I was relaxed about it, then I learned the body can only take so many continueous nights

of sometimes heavy heavy drinking, and I just looked horrible,

then I had a job oppurtinity,

of all places a liqour shop, so I worked there for 2 years but the stress of taking orders

making mistakes, being told off for making mistakes I started to really lose it, I was becoming

physically sick every month, I had a lung infection with orders from the doctors not to go in

the cool room, but the job needed to be done so I was still sent into the coolroom, I started

hullucinating, my head being squeezed by the pressure I could only just register what was going

on, but I didn't let up, when my manager would ask me what's wrong I would just say "nothing,

sorry' and keep going, then I quit, I didn't want to die there, then I was home and unemployed,

I still wasn't taking any medication for anything not even for my lung infections, the world

started looking different, like a bubble of pain and suffering, I knew that even though I feel

like a ghost I have to keep trying, so for the next year I would force myself out of bed and

go for a walk into town 2ks up the road and meet up with people I knew, I got into alot of

relationships and everyone that knew me said I was just plain insane, then with hullucinating

detachment from reality, people starting to look at me through the tv,

depression things can't get worse right? well I started hearing voices when going off to

sleep and having anxiety attack, scared of sleeping,

I went to the doctors and explained, well tried to but he just said it's pshycological and

there was nothing he could do, , so I went thorough all of those symptoms for a year, nonstop and then as

if it wasn't enough

I started seeing colourful sparks in my eyes, I started fearing I was going to go blind and also

I lost my ability to drive, but even after up to 4 and a half years now of non stop suffering

I was still alive, so I can beat this, I started reading for answers everywhere, from logical

to spirtual, with the voices I read a article that the brain records everything you hear

and stores it away and when you remember it it acually plays the recording so I put together

with my mental fatigue these recordings are amplified and seem to be external, with depression

I saw sitting on my couch oneday and said to myself "I'm sick of being depressed!" no one

cares no one comes and talks to me or gives me a hug, nothing, so I just started saying happy

things to people even if I wasn't happy if i was angry, and I started laughing again,

so voices and depression were in progress of being iniolated, with anixiety and panic attacks

I read oneday that a quote said in the bible "you shall not fear" so I took it as as my

hands start to sweat my head got light, my balance wasn't existant and at worse my heart

pulsated I would breath in my nose and out my mouth (it's a natural way to slow your heart rate)

I would think strongly 'BRING IT ON! BRING ON DEATH BRING ON THE FEAR!" and it would just

go, I didn't fear so there is no need to stress, the last one which I have just conqured

was depersonilzation, I learnt through watching people on youtube going through the same thing,

it was a detachment from my feelings, trying to escape your brain just puts you in a

mind set of detachment, you can't handle or deal with them then they will go away for a bit, so I stared

reconnecting, yes bad things happen you can be sad angry you can yell you can cry, and yes

good things happen, you can smile take a chance to dance to fall in love with the stranger

walking past, don't make others happy with pulling a empty face just strains the muscle

and gives me a headache, and I reconnected with myself, the dots in my eyes have nearly subsided

too now, and too this day I think what a journey I went on, I learnt so much about me, yes it

was a wierd and unexpected way of finding out but wow the memories of triumpf will push me

through anything.

I am so proud of me

and good luck on your jounrey

lots of love

M.

8 Replies

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  • Wow! Hell and back? You've been there! That was a difficult but necessary read. I haven't been halfway as bad but I really agree with the bottom of your post - that focussing on positives is what often helps. I went on a Cognitive Behaviour course - I had to write down all the things that I find problematic and negative. I found that really brought me down and made me anxious. The following week I had to write down all the things that I can do, and the positive outcomes of things - that really made me feel better. I concentrate on that now, and since doing so, I do not get my anxiety symptoms hardly at all.

    Onwards and upwards - as the saying goes!

    And yes, you really should be proud of yourself. I'm a little bit proud of my achievements, and yours are a bit spectacular!

    Much love to you. Keep strong.

    Sue

  • Be loud and proud! Haha thank you I don't really know what to say but it makes me happy that you understand the point of positivity even at your worst, keep up joy :)) lots of love returned and best wishes

    regards Michelle

    ^-^

  • That is a great overcoming story! Can I ask you what psychosis is? I don't want to google it! Lol it'll freak me out.

    My very first panic attack happened after I drank this weed drink 8 years ago. After it happened I was so paranoid that the one time I did this drug that my brain changed forever! And that's was why I was having anxiety and panic attacks. Since then I've had years of no attacks and some with attacks.

  • Phycosis is when you think that every thought you have is real and it kind of feels real and SOMETIMES stuff happens when your thinking it for exapmle you will have a thought when its raining outside "oh god must be angry with me" jokingly, then BANG a crash of lighting and your brain connects it with your thought and wow fear to the next level next thing you know your in a corner reading the bible, or you start to see your imagination on the outside as hallucinations but its fine I just keep in mind just forget about it and keep going, and with the panic attacks a very similar thing happened to me but mine was just with alcohol, but with painic attacks I found out that even when you a watching scary movie your brain cant tell the differece from real and a movie on a tv screen so it is regeristering it as real, even with internal imaginary thoughts you think something scary its going to trigger the stress resonse anyways... now with the tea its not a matter of you changed your brain chemicals but you found new ones, I read people who haven't really gone through truma or taken drugs seems to only use there basic senses but to the more inner coren of the brain there are forgotten senses, so you could have opened some ancient senses through your weed drink some tribes drink curtain teas to accomplish this but yeah stay calm be happy I hope I helped I'm not to good at explaining but I try lol best wishes katie :))

  • That is extremely helpful. Thank you! I've never had anything like thinking things are real that aren't. Besides the occasional I'd like to hear a song on the radio then it's the next song that comes on.

    My fear is that during a panic attack I'll lose all control of my thinking and it'll never come back and then I'll be institutionalized. You said you were institutionalized after weed. How often did you do weed? You didn't have those thoughts before you did weed?

    I'm sorry to ask you such personal questions. I've never talked to anyone about this topic before so it's scary to me.

  • Ok with losing control of your thinking it's ok that is what I thought with my panic attacks to but I read it is actually inpossible to lose your mind, the worse thing that could happen is you could go into sympathy faint mode where the brain shuts off your sensory for colour so things go black and white and you faint because you've gone into a brain overload spin, so no you can never truely lose control, I don't mind personal questionslol I only smoked weed for a year of my life but by the end I was smoking up to 5 grams a day a bit heavy on the lungs, before that yes I was always interested in out of the box thinking, I still do it now and nothing happens, with being instutionanalized I was just unlucky that day, I smoked a pipe I was trying to explain to my parents how I found out there is actually a force that keeps objects merging together not like a godly or magic thing but I was curious that we can put our finger tips on a table but is you zoom in to the particles we are not actually touching it so the brain makes up the feeling of touch I guess so we dont run into objects and get hurt or merge into them, but they wouldn't listen or understand to my brain went into overload trying to explain and I had a meltdown for a moment they got worried and then they sent me to the hospital, and because I had had weed it was taken as a full blown psychotic episode at the hospital, it wasn't until I went through my depression I actually experienced psychosis. :)

  • Wow. I can't even imagine what that must have felt like going through it. How is your family with you now? Do they worry of other episodes or once it's over it over?

    Not that ive experienced what you have but I recently told my family of my panic attacks. At first they were not understanding at all but luckily my mom did some research on it to try to understand what I go through. Now though on good days I feel self conscious about what they are thinking about me. Like if I'm not bubbly and happy they think I'm having one. I feel I keep giving myself anxiety worrying about what they are thinking. How do you deal with this?

    Thanks,

    Katie

  • There can always be a relapse but that doesn't worry me, my family still don't fully understand and I get the same sensations and thoughts of always being watched but now I just ignore it they are just doing what they think is right, so basically your sub conscious is righ, how I actually deal with this is I go see friends or im more at my boyfriends house then at my parents because everyone I hang around has had the same kind of experiences so its calming to know that I can hang around without the sense of people worring or seeing there cocerns on the face, it gives me time to collect myself and when I go home they see im doing fine and everything get alot calmer all over, so in conclusion just make time where it is quite for you so you can hear yourself think and they may never understand or act accordingly to what you are going through, keep that In mind they aren't doing it on purpose, and niether are you, you'll get there don't worry ;)

    Love Michelle

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