Hpw do I 'Live ' with Depression

Hi, Ive come to this site for ..........support, understanding. Dont get me wrong I have a loving husband,siblings, friends, children (too small to have to take on this burden). But no one who can really know what its like to feel the all consuming sadness and fatigue that makes you consider if even for a moment......What If, all the stress, the tears, the sadness, the falling out with people beacause your so angry with life and yourself, what if all that could end so quickly and easily, all gone. But no because the absolute devestation it would leave behind...............so I feel trapped in this world, and yes I feel guilty for even suggesting such a thing when there are people desperate to hang onto their lives, I'm a nurse so I see the young and the old die. But thats the question whats it all for, all this struggle and pain and sadness, then one day its all over. So sorry to be so bleak, in a bad place at the moment, dont want my children, husband or family to have to suffer the tears, and sadness again, so if I can find a way to 'live' again. Your thoughts would be most welcome.

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  • Hi. LouisBear. You will get a lot of answers from others who have been where you are now. Listen to them. They know what they are talking about. Yes, there are others who know how you feel and the hell and misery depression can cause. I for one do! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Others have recovered so can you. I would not wish to teach my grandmother to suck eggs, but as a nurse you will know that I have to ask this question. Have you seen your GP and asked for medication? Antidepressants can be a useful tool when one is in this state.

    Let us look at your blog. Of course it is easy to pop off. But that means you have given up and you certainly do not sound the type that would do that. Some words stand out. Trapped. Feeling trapped and isolated is only too common in depression. Everything going on around you seems unreal. You are in one world and everyone else is in another. Very understandable in the circumstances. What's it all for? You are asking a most profound and difficult question but if you go through this site and look at past blogs you may find the answer. A monk, in the middle ages, called it "The dark night of the soul", and I am sure you would agree with that description. But there IS redemption! This is not a religious statement. A pawnbroker will 'redeem' an object, give it back to you, after you have pawned it. You have 'pawned' yourself for the moment, but only for the moment.You will be 'redeemed I can assure you. Do not despair or give up hope. (Not easy, I know). Please come back to us and let us know how you are. My prayers and blessings are with you. jonathan.

  • Thanks for your support and prayers they are invaluable. And just to put your mind at rest I have been a 'sufferer of various levels of depression and anxiety' since the age of 20 so over 2 decades now, think I've been through every kind of medication there is, im currently on 3, obviously not working though eh! Thanks again.

  • Hiya

    Dont feel quilty about your feelings, everything you said are natural thoughts that occur during depression, i used to be a nurse too (gave up my reg in a depressive cloud because i believed at the time my depression and anxiety was all nursings fault....turns out that wasnt correct lol) anyway i used to think the same thoughts as you, there i was as a nurse watching ppl loosing thier lives ect and i was wishing mine to be over, this made me feel awful but just like those people i used to care for i too had a condition, so eventually i accepted that my thoughts are not anything to feel bad about they are part of my condition and so something i had to deal with.

    I would however ask if you are seeking professional help? a combination of talking to us on here and professional support may help you?

    Here anytime for chat :) just as others on here will be xx

  • Hi.thanks for your response, sorry for my delay in replying, my first full weekend off for along time and have spent most of it lying in bed. But did manage a long walk with my dogs across the farm land this morn, glorious....had a little weep along the way. As I have said in a previous response I have been a sufferer of depression of different degrees for over 2 decades now, have been on a variety of pills both good and bad. I'm currently on a cocktail of 3, which obviously aren't doing a great job! Due to see the doctor again this week, but I feel that he too is a waste of time. Thanks for your ear. xx

  • Hi Louis, I am sorry to hear your feel so low. I can understand how you feel in terms of depression although I don't have children. For months I cried every day, so angry at how I was feeeling but not understanding why, looking at everyone else acting so happy as if there wasn't a problem in the world, yet I felt riddled with them. I was pushing my partner away.

    I was off work for a number of weeks with anxiety and depression, in and out of hospital with attacks, and it just took one small thing to make me realise what I was letting myself fall into. I was lying in bed (for something like the 9th day in a row!) with my lovely dog who never left my side. Having had an attack the night before I felt so drained and I just lay in bed listening to him breathe and it gave me so much comfort. I thought to myself, he's never left my side, he's brought so much calm to me, and for the first time in months I felt an overwhelming sense of love for him and it was like a light had turned on. I actually got out of bed the next day and took him for a small walk and it was like I could hear and smell everything so clearly. It sounds really stupid when I read this back but it made such a difference and I realised I had to take such small steps to get these senses back that I'd lost over the months. I thought about all of the things my partner had been doing for me to cheer me up although at the time I appreciated none of it. I realised that all the time I was cursing life, people, colleagues and everything around me...they weren't issues at all, I was just making them issues myself. I had cried months earlier about having to walk the dog when I was so tired, yet here I was walking him and loving it...

    I then started to read a book called 'the Happiness Project' by Gretchen Ruben and it opened my eyes even more. I really recommend it. It is a lady who devised a light hearted 12 month project to become happier. She concentrates on her children, her home and her husband, but mostly herself. One of her moto's was 'Be Gretchen' which has really stuck with me. I've really learnt alot from it.

    I could type for ages about all of the things I have learned but I think you too need to see the good that you have around you. Your children who will look up to you and smile at you everyday, don't miss the cherished moments that happen every second with them, your husband who has been by your side since the day he met you because he loves you so much, your family that you can share so much with. Although you feel so bad now, I really think there is such a great life for people to have but you have to make it that way in between the stresses and trials that come with it. Really concentrate on the small things that make you happy, it could be that you love to sit for 5 minutes with a cup of tea in the morning in peace and quiet, or you love a long relaxing bath, a glass of wine. Really focus on these small luxuries and take everything from them and really focus on the good feeling it gives you. I think you just have to give yourself time :)

    xxxxxxxxx

  • Hi. Mandy. Thanks for a very welcome blog. No, it was not rambling. I think it is marvelous. Thanks again. Love. jonathan.

  • Hi Mandy. Thanks for your advice, and dont worry about the length of your reply its so nice to be able to have the ear and shoulder of someone who understands. I'll give the book a go, and let you know. xxx

  • Hi Mandy,

    I found "The Happiness Project" in Oxfam yesterday and have already begun reading it. Thank you for such an inspiring post. It's good to see that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't always an oncoming train.x

  • That was a looong rambling post, sorry :) xxx

  • Haha Mandy theres nothing wrong with rambling :)

  • Ps just to say I too can chat for England when the mood takesXXX

  • Hi Louisbear,

    Sorry to hear you are suffering, I am new to this site but people on here seem to talk alot of sence, there is no substitute for true experience and people who havn't suffered a mental illness cannot know how it really feels no matter how empathic and knowledgeable they are, I have suffered with severe depression for over 20 years and when I am well still don't understand how I think or can think in a depressed way!

    11years ago I felt a similar way to how you describe now, was not enjoying my job ( chef at the time) had just split from my girlfriend, was in and out of work sick, making excuses as to why as I felt embarassed of how I was feeling, so couldn't pay my mortgage, was paying bills on credit cards and things just gt to the point where I couldn't cope anymore, would wake up every morning and have to think of a reason not to end it! Until one day I could not think of one!

    I took 50 pain killers, only had 41 so had to go and get more (strange I know) then lay in bed waiting to go, 5 hours later, still here and my mother came around!! Big wake up call and reality check, how would I make her feel, how could I do this to my family!!! So now I am stuck, how do I tell her what I have done?……… that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do/say ( brings tears to my eyes now!) then it was straight to hospital…… injection and a night of throwing up, coulers I didn't know you could throw up!! Ironic part is I had the worst bloody headache the next day. But I made a vow that however bad things got, I would not do that again, and periodicly they have got bad once after a head injury alot worse ending up with me having ECT treatment but have kept to my vow.

    I turn inwards when depressed, analyze everything I say, do and don't do, sems like I have no time for the real world, my head is to busy trying to find an answer to a question that cannot be answered and even if I find the answer it all starts again the next day.

    Be patient, try to notice the small things we take for granted, don't feel guilty or ashamed of it, if people are not accepting of it they are not true friends and they soon become apparent trust me, I know who mine are now.

    Sorry this has gone on way to long and I hope some of it has made sence. Be kind to yourself and be safe.

    Steve :-) feel free to reply and ask anything

  • Hi Steve, thanks so much for your fantastic reply. I think of alot of what you say is so similar to myself. I too have been a sufferer of depression for over 20 years, I think thats why sooo tired....it seems so never ending, I do have brief moments of joy, a double rainbow, my stupid dog doing 'the wall of death' around a field on one of our walks, beautiful views, the feel of my childs skin, kitten dangling from a ceiling lamp! I find I'm constantly paranoid that colleagues are talking about me behind my back, which unfortunately working in a female environment they usually are. I'm supposed to be returning to the NHS but have heard the ward I should be going to work on isnt too pleasant in that respect, and I'm just too tired to put up with all that crap so am talking myself out of it. Ive tried CBT, which I have to say wasnt for me. Not to worry, I have enough meds here to ' do the long sleep' but I cant mess up my daughter any more than she already has been with my previous illness. Such alot of responsibility for such a short life. Tired now but I know I wont have a restful sleep, a night full of restless naps and bizarre dreams that make me 'wake' with a headache and the feeling I have been on a long struggle awaits. Wishing you a restful night and a pleasant awakening. Thanks again for your reply. x

  • Just want to say to thunderacer .......what a great post, really helpful and encouraging. I identify completely with what you are saying especially the turning inwards and analysing.....your head aches from the silly analysing and you just want to stop and can't, questions that can't be answered making you more stressed and depressed.

    Falling out with people and feeling so angry and upset go with it too but really it's the depression causing those upset feelings.

    The little things we take for granted count for a lot .......one day you find you have enjoyed a cup of tea, or your pet does something daft and you laugh or you notice that something is really beautiful and slowly you realise you can find meaning in things.

    Being kind and patient with yourself is so important .......treat yourself with care even though it seems silly to do so as you are in a fragile state when feeling depressed, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a trauma or an illness and make big allowances, don't expect too much of yourself ......depression uses up lots of energy leaving little for other things.

    As Jonathan mentioned see your GP and tell them just what you said in your question. They see people who struggle with depression every day and a lot of people need medication for a while to help them.

    Finding someone who is a good listener is another way to help yourself cope though often it's better if it's not a close relative or partner.

    Best Wishes PL

  • To pennylane, thanx, still find it hard to explain the feeling putting them in an understandable way!

    I don't tend to fall out with people when I am depressed, I have even been told I am nicer lol,

    Think that is because I dont have an opinion when I am ill or can't be bothered to talk so people who are normally controlling think I am being submisive when really I just couldn't give a f### what they think cause i' m to busy fighting myself! lol ;-)

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