I'm so annoyed......

[suehh]

I'm so annoyed...with myself. I have struggled with stress/depression for a number of years. I take Sertraline 100mg daily and have been advised to continue with it permanently because of my family history (mother is bi-polar). That's fine and the majority of time I cope with work (I'm a nurse working with disabled children) and life and problems in general. However when a crisis occurs I react initially really badly and make stupid decisions! At present I'm in this position....8 weeks ago mum collapsed and was really poorly. She lives 250 miles away so I've been backwarsd/forwards from home to her since then. 3 weeks ago I left my job to start a new one (similar work but nearer my home). This week my partner admitted himself into rehab (for alcohol abuse). What did I do? Made sure he got to rehab & was ok but I didn't go to work. Didn't even let them know I would'nt be in or what was happening. Unplugged the phone & wrote my notice & posted it. Received an email from HR the following day who wanted to know what was happening. After a few hours I replied & explained my situation. I've since seen my GP who diagnosed stress and gave me a sick note for 2 weeks. I emailed HR again to let them know. Now I'm waiting to see if I've still got a job to go back to. This isn't the first time I've done this. Last time was when my father died 3 years ago, I started a new job shortly after & did the same thing!! Why do I do this?? Yes, my work can be stressful at times, but I love it. However it's the first thing that's affected in a crisis. I've done well in the last few years ( 8 years ago m yex had an affair & left me & I was nearly bankrupt). Now I'm worried that I'm going backwards not forwards. I'm going to see a counsellor next week as it's helped in the past. Just angry with myself for being such a twerp!!! Is life trying to tell me something?

[Optimistic9]

Hi I just read your blog and just wanted to say no wonder you feel stressed out with everything that has happened to you and you also seem to be blaming yourself when none of it is your fault. Stay positive and remember you are only human ! Also I hope you get your job sorted out if you enjoy it. You say you have been advised to keep taking sertraline because your mother is bipolar and I want to tell you that as there is no scientific, lab,blood,or pathological test which proves that bipolar exists then it would be impossible to also prove that it is running in your family. Bipolar is just a label and also just a theory which psychiatrists like to talk about as though it were a disease of some sort like cancer or diabetes . They label and drug people for having disorders , yet there are no tests to prove these disorders exist. It is called The marketing of madness and the drug companies are getting very rich, especially when people stay on these psychiatric drugs for life!.

Remember, people always make mistakes in life . Its called being human. Dont be so tough on yourself. We are all unique individuals and we know ourselves better than anyone. Good luck. I hope I have helped in some way

[suehh in reply to Optimistic9]

Thank you for your reply. Mum was diagnosed as schizophrenic when I was 12 years old. (I'm in my 50s ) As she's got older her pyschiatrist now says bipolar. A few years ago I went to see a psychiatrist at my request as I was worried about how I act etc. She said I have a cyclothermic personality. I researched this & it made great deal of sense to me. The sertraline does help me most of the time.

I hope I am able to keep my job, if not I will view it as an opportunity to look for something else.

I was going to go to see mum for the next week but I'm staying at home and looking after myself. Time for pampering, walks by the sea etc.

Thank you taking time to reply, it most certainly helps! : )

[Hidden in reply to Optimistic9]

Hi. Optimistic9. I was going to say the same thing. There is absolutely no evidence that bi-polar disorder is carried in the genes or is in any way hereditary. What you say about the drug companies is spot on. (Don't start me on that one,; I get a bit angry about it). I am sure you have helped. Best wishes. jonathan.

[Optimistic9 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks very much. It also annoys me that psychiatrists talk about their many disorders as though they were real proven diseases , labelling people and stigmatising them for life. They are even doing it to little kids now and I think its a disgrace. Mental health is big business for drug companies!!

[ellabella]

Hi Sue, Good Lord you have your hands full!! and you wonder why you make daft decisions? Anyone would have to be superwoman to cope with all that and go to work as well! especially your work which requires all your attention and probably physical strength as well. I don't blame you ...you have put priorities in place and they look fine to me. People you love who need you are important as of course is work but I say again no-one is indispensable, I'm sure work will manage. You are covered with a sick note...as Optimistic says, " don't be tough on yourself"....be kind ..good luck with everything xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Pennylayne]

You're not to blame at all, you were just reacting to the dreadful anxiety/stress you were feeling.......it's 100% understandable and I would have been just the same.

Maybe it would be an idea to speak to HR and just explain that there was a serious crisis and you made a wrong decision without fully thinking it through, I have a feeling they will understand.

Also I don't want to be controversial but for those who have it or have relatives with it there is no doubt at all that bi-polar disorder exists and is a serious mental health issue.

Any decisions regarding your medication are best discussed with your doctor and it certainly wouldn't seem the best time to think about stopping them.

Good luck with your counselling too and hope that things get back on track .......you are remaining really level headed considering what has happened and you sound like a strong person .....probably because of what you have dealt with already.

Take Care

[suehh in reply to Pennylayne]

Thank you Pennylayne. I have no intention of stopping my sertraline, it does help me to keep 'stable' most of the time. I'm seeing a counsellor on Monday and am looking forward to working through things. I may get knocked down but I'll soon stand up again! Thank you for your kind comments xxx

[Hidden in reply to suehh]

Hi. suehh. The very fact that you can say that about being knocked down and coming up again is a great PLUS. Bless you and good luck with the counselling. jonathan.

[suehh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you jonathan. I won't be beaten but I realise I need to look after myself more. Thank you for your kind words xxx

[suehh]

Thank you Ellabella. I'm so glad I found this site, it's nice to have the support. it's time to be nice to me! I realise that now. I'm feeling more positive and view this as a time to reassess where I am & to put strategies in place to move forward. It's just a blip ... as a counsellor told me once,' you're just resting in a layby off the main road'. I'll get to wherever I'm going! : )

[Hidden]

Hi Sueh,

I agree with everything that has been said. You can't be superwoman, it is time to step back and look after your own health. I am 65 and have been on anti-depressants for a very long time and currently take Sertraline 150mg, which helps me immensely. I ended up on anti-depressants because of work pressures and looking after a family and sick husband.

I wish you well, get to that Spa and enjoy some 'me' time.

[suehh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you ecinue. I'm a typical nurse, good at looking after everyone except me! So, yes, that's what I'm working on now. That Spa sounds like a lovely idea...... : )

[RosieP]

Hi Sueh

My god you have certainly gone through it. Counselling will help but start putting yourself first occasionally, you need to for the sake of your health.

Good luck and go and buy that lottery ticket you luck could be about to change.

Love RosieP

xxx

[suehh in reply to RosieP]

Thank you RosieP. Must admit feeling quite exhausted today but relaxing and enjoying me time. Looking forward to the future - whatever it may bring xxx

[RosieP]

Look to the future and not the past. We will get there... xxxx

[suehh]

Well, just heard my resignation has been accepted. Sad but relieved at the same time! Where to go from here?? `

[ellabella]

I'll tell you....You relax and have that bit of time to yourself while your partner is in rehab. Have those walks by the sea and / or just be still. Next week see your counselor and try and make some progress. For now do as you like for a change xxxxxxxx

[suehh]

Thanks ellabella. Feeling sad & a little tearful today. Going to go for a walk in the park, I love this time of year when the leaves are changing. Trying to stay positive. xxx

[ellabella]

The sun is shining here, and that sounds like a good idea to me. The simple things are usually the most effective. I see you have a kitty as your profile pic : ) they are my passion, and listen to a lot of my worries and fears. Enjoy that walk Sue, wish I could join you : ) xxx

[suehh in reply to ellabella]

Just returned fro my walk round the park. I took my camera and snapped all the changes autumn is making ie leaf colours, moss, tree bark. Even saw my first holly berry! Thinking of making a collage .....Forever Autumn!

Feel a bit better.

Yes, I Love cats too. We have 2 little sweeties : )

Thank you for your kindness xxxx

[Hidden]

Sue your story is so similar to my partners. He is currently going through bankrupcy. His ex gf ripped him off 8 yrs ago and left him with the debts. This was all behind his back, he didnt have a clue. He has been paying the debt (mortgage) for the last 8 yrs. Beginning of the year the bank all of a sudden closed his bank account, and harrassed him constantly. Even now they ring him up. Citizens advice advised him to go bankrupt.

His mum is also poorly with several ailments. She doesnt grasp how stressed she makes him. He lived with her for 3yrs until Jan of this year. Like he said to his doc she makes him feel like a "11 year old".

You do find people in professions caring for others can do that easily enough, but when it comes to themselves, totally different matter full stop.

i do hope the walk you are going to have will clear your head, and help you.

Big hugs.

Lou. xxxxx

[suehh in reply to Hidden]

Yes, a lot of us in the caring profession are rubbish at looking after ourselves! I've always been the one my family turn to in a crisis and will happily help but forget about me!

These days bankruptcy doesn't have the same stigma and I hope your partner will get through it. Luckily I managed to avoid it but my father (deceased) and ex-partner were both made bankrupt.

I did enjoy my stroll and feel more relaxed. Thanks for your wishes

Sue xxxx