My exhaustion and weakness has got to the point where I'm not capable of doing quite a lot of things or at least do them for very long. I went out today to see my friends for a coffee but it was hell trying to ignore the sensation that there was no energy in my body, I just wanted to let my head flop down on the table, plus it was very difficult to order sentences in the right way or remember words and keep track of the conversation. I didn't feel anxious but I was just feeling increasingly angry that I just want my life back now.
I feel worse after going out than I did before I went out, like I only had a certain amount of energy for the day and I've used it. I want to try anti depressants in case they help (doctor is checking for physical stuff because I don't have many emotional symptoms and she says it's unusual to get 24/7 physical problems that don't include things like a racing heart etc), but I need to go away for work next week and I don't want to risk side effects until I'm back in case they make me worse, but at the same time, I don't know how the hell I'm even going to get through work tomorrow, nevermind doing a whole conference!
This is just a rant but I'm so angry about this whole thing. I've got over so many disorders over the past 12-14 years and at the time I think 'great, now I can get on with my life'. But each time I achieve something, something else crops up in its place. I don't just sit around moping, I fight it and fight it and it gets better, then something else happens. I just want to enjoy my youth, I just want to have a life. I want to have enough energy to have sex with my partner, I want to be able to have a drink with my friends, I want to be able to have a full time job, I want to be able to exercise, I want to be able to live a normal life but it's like there's weights hanging off every inch of my body and there's a big pane of glass between me and the rest of the world and I just can't keep up.
I'm just so angry with it all. I know this sounds childish, but it's just so unfair!!!