I'm so angry and frustrated (sorry just a rant)!

My exhaustion and weakness has got to the point where I'm not capable of doing quite a lot of things or at least do them for very long. I went out today to see my friends for a coffee but it was hell trying to ignore the sensation that there was no energy in my body, I just wanted to let my head flop down on the table, plus it was very difficult to order sentences in the right way or remember words and keep track of the conversation. I didn't feel anxious but I was just feeling increasingly angry that I just want my life back now.

I feel worse after going out than I did before I went out, like I only had a certain amount of energy for the day and I've used it. I want to try anti depressants in case they help (doctor is checking for physical stuff because I don't have many emotional symptoms and she says it's unusual to get 24/7 physical problems that don't include things like a racing heart etc), but I need to go away for work next week and I don't want to risk side effects until I'm back in case they make me worse, but at the same time, I don't know how the hell I'm even going to get through work tomorrow, nevermind doing a whole conference!

This is just a rant but I'm so angry about this whole thing. I've got over so many disorders over the past 12-14 years and at the time I think 'great, now I can get on with my life'. But each time I achieve something, something else crops up in its place. I don't just sit around moping, I fight it and fight it and it gets better, then something else happens. I just want to enjoy my youth, I just want to have a life. I want to have enough energy to have sex with my partner, I want to be able to have a drink with my friends, I want to be able to have a full time job, I want to be able to exercise, I want to be able to live a normal life but it's like there's weights hanging off every inch of my body and there's a big pane of glass between me and the rest of the world and I just can't keep up.

I'm just so angry with it all. I know this sounds childish, but it's just so unfair!!!

7 Replies

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  • It is unfair and it takes amazing strength to carry on so well done to you for doing so. I can relate to the tiredness and exhaustion, if I allowed it bed would become my new best friend. You have every right to be angry and to have a rant because why should you be suffering!! It's not childish. Good luck with your work thing and with smashing that glass someday soon!

  • I felt like that a few weeks ago! I work with children and had to manage a 5 day residential with 50 children and 6 other staff and i was in fear that i wouldn't be able to cope and I went to the doctor for pills but didn't want to take them before i went in case they didn't agree with me. so i decided to take them with me because maybe i'd start them there if i felt i needed to. But i didn't need them then and still haven't taken them now!!

    The trip went fantastic all the children enjoyed themselves and we all arrived home safely and although i had a few sleepless nights it wasn't as bad as my anxiety made it seem before we went.

    So i think my anxiety before the trip was making the thought of going even worse

    Good luck with yours!!! and stay strong!!!

  • Thanks for your comment. I'm glad to hear of your experience and hope the same happens to me. I went away a couple of weeks ago and hoped I would show myself how well I could cope, but I ended up laid up in bed for two days afterwards, I could barely move. I slept ok, I ate ok, I didn't feel too anxious, but I was just completely wiped out by the experience and I'm still not better. It's just this terrible feeling of having no energy in my body at all. Starting to wonder if there's something physically wrong. I don't feel less motivated to do things - I'm frustrated because I really want to do things! - but I just don't have the energy to do anything. Might sound weird, but I'm kind of hoping for something physical as well :-/ I looked up B12 deficiency after someone mentioned it and it would explain loads of the symptoms that bother me the most. If it was that, I'd just have injections a few times a year and I'd be back to health. So much easier than fighting psychological problems! But I reckon my tests will come out clear and I'll just have to face it.

  • You're very welcome! Maybe you're pushing yourself too hard to do things and that's why you have no energy. It's ok to let yourself relax sometimes it doesn't mean you're weak or lazy just sometimes your body needs a rest! Don't get me wrong when I came home from residential I was shattered and I did nothing for two whole days even cancelled me going on family trip, it was a bit like recharging my batteries lol.

    I'm far from an expert on this subject but I see myself as a very strong person and one thing I've learnt from all these experiences is that it's ok to let your emotions out and even cry although it might shock others lol!

    I do know what you mean though about hoping something is physically wrong with you I've thought it myself but what ever it is you can learn to deal with it, if you feel that bad about work but you're still getting there you're doing something right!

  • Hi you sound like me I have been taking Cymbalta for 6weeks I am so achy and weak most of the time I do a job and then have to rest walking to the local shop exhausts me my legs ache like mad I'm on my way to the doc on friday so need to find out what's going on take care x

  • Hope it goes well. I have the same thing of needing to have little rests when I'm going down the road, but not too much pain with me, just a mild ache and the feeling that my batteries have run out!

    I've had to come home from work after falling asleep on the train there then completely failing to stay well during the morning. Really disappointed but feel a bit better now I'm home and I usually find my disappointment from having to come home from work encourages better health the next day (because I'm more driven to stay at work!) so hope that pattern holds up and I'm ok for the rest of the week. I have lovely understanding colleagues but I can't help feeling like I'm letting them down, especially when they have to help me with my work. It's really difficult to tell yourself it's not your fault you're ill when it's psychological. I feel so guilty about it and I worry that other people will start to think I"m taking them for a ride. But I guess that's not going to help me!

    Hope they find something helpful at the doctors and they're able to sort you out. x

  • Sending out big hugs. I have social anxiety and panic attacks, mixed in with a bit of depression when I am on a downward spiral. Getting up in the morning can be tough and affects my familiy's routine. Taking on mundane chores difficult. I find the only way to cope is to break things down into bitesized chunks, and congratulate yourself when you achieve these small things. Probably not much help to you, just wanted you to know you are not alone and sending you more big hugs.

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