Where do I start???

2 years ago, I agreed for my mother in law to move in with us, albeit a bit hesitant, as she suffers with dementia, my husband (who is a little older than me). My husband gave up his job where we worked together, to be her full time carer and I carried on working. A couple of months after I was told that the Department I worked on was to be outsourced to another company and then we would all be made redundant as the new company were taking the Department to Glasgow. My best friend then left the UK to travel for 3 years and then I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Found life hard when I was working what with my mother in law becoming more and more demanding and spending very little time with my husband but had my close colleagues of 18 years to support me. Made redundant in May and cannot find the right job, 1st one I left agter only 4 days as they told me I would need to study which I was not told at any of the 3 interviews and was not prepared to study. Shortly after offered another job but the boss was a bully and staff of the team were leaving left, right and centre, hours were very long too, not getting home some nights until 7.30pm, bearing in mind I started at 8.30am and no time for lunch. But with both jobs I woke up in the morning with a constant Anxious feeling, felling of sickness and dread of going into work ad then come the evening even though I was shattered I could not sleep. With the 2nd job I left after 3 weeks as I was so Anxious and Emotional I had to get out, which I did. I want to work but feel scared as I do not want the same happening again. Having counselling which is helping but just feel I have such low self esteem could it be I have been through lots emotionally over the last 2 years and not it is all coming out now which is why I cannot settle in a job. Want a job but cannot bare to feel that Anxious feeling each day, anyone else been in this position? xxxx


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4 Replies

  • Wow, Rosie, I'm not surprised you're anxious and emotional! You've been through a hell of a lot in the last 2 years - your mother in law moving in, losing your job, your friend moving, your epilepsy - it's an enormous amount to cope with in such a short space of time! It might help if you reassure yourself that your reactions are NORMAL and NATURAL under the circumstances.

    You don't mention your husband much, except to say that you don't have much time together. Being his mother's full-time carer must be very stressful for him, too, but that doesn't mean he stops being YOUR husband, and you need his time and support too, particularly as you've lost the social support of your previous job, and your best friend. I've been a carer, so i do know a bit of what I'm talking about. Is there any way your husband can take a break from caring - for a day, an evening, a few hours - so you and he can have some quality time together? I know this doesn't solve your employment problems, but you still need a personal life, whether you're working or not. There are day-care centres for people with your mother in law's condition, as well as volunteer organisations who will provide a "sitter" to give the carer a break. Your mother in law might well oppose this - people with dementia can find strange situations/people scary - but it you built it up gradually, she might accept it eventually. In any case, you and your husband need your own space/time together.

    As a first step, i would suggest you contact Carers UK - they are the national charity for carers and their families, and would almost certainly be able to come up with much better advice than I can. Go to:-


    As far as the anxiety is concerned, I would advise you to go back to your GP (I'm assuming your GP referred you for counselling in the first place) and ask if there is any other support (including, although not necessarily, medication) s/he can offer? Caring puts a huge strain on the whole family, not just the primary carer, and any GP worth their salt will understand this - quite apart from all the other changes you've had in your life in the last two years! So do go back and let them know just how you feel!

    Please keep posting here, it's a great place for support and understanding - and I'm sure others will have more/better ideas too.

    Good luck, and all the very best




  • Thanks Rose I really appreciate it. We have a carer as we are given a £2000 allowance from the government for a carer to come in which if you split over the year is 3 hours a week! Not alot but we do make use of this time together, so hard for him too but he always promised his Dad he would never see his Mum in a home and she did not want to stay living in Brighton with a carer looking after her. My husband has a sister but she does not do much at all she isn't interested which is tough on him too. Only good thing about redundancy is that I get to see him a little more not that it is time alone but more than I was working. Looking for work but still feel anxious about it as I want the job to be the right one cannot go through the feeling of being anxious and feeling sick each morning. My world has just been so turned upside down. Mu husband has been great and supportive and l love him loads just feel like I need I a bit of normality back in my life. Seeing a counsellor privately as on the NHS would have had to wait 8 weeks and could not wait that long. Have an interview next week for a local job already feeling anxious, hate the feeling as I am a confident person when with friends etc. Don't think staying in the same job for over 17.5yrs was a good idea either but I did so got to move on from that. Doctors knows how I feel, won't give me medication due to my epilepsy which in a way I am pleased about as I do not want to go down that line, he has just told me to keep talking to the counsellor and things will get better.

    Thank you again Rose it helps to know I am not going mad!

    Love RosieP


  • Hi Rosie

    No, three hours a week is definitely NOT a lot! You might want tolook at the Crossroads Care section of the Carers' Trust -they provide trained volunteers to give carers a break, and might be able to help. To be honest, i don't know whether they charge for this service - although, being a charity, I think any charge would be small - and, not knowing where you are in the country, can't guarantee the scheme operates there, but worth looking into?

    Go to: - carers.org/carers-services/...

    Good luck with the job interview, hun. One trick about job interviews - imagine the interviewer wearing a grass skirt and nothing else ;) - just try not to giggle :-D


    Rose xxx

  • HI Rose

    Thank you will look into it. Don't stand a chance of getting the job now with that image in my head! :-)

    Love RosieP


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