it tells me to write how i actually feel, if i did that there would be nothing on this page, to be honest i am really struggling with myself recently well most of my life if i was to be honest, but seem to have hit a new low lately.
The reason i said there would be an empty page is I feel so numb, empty almost, i feel lost, and seperated from everyone i come into contact with almost a haze like feeling, i used to be such a strong person, but i i really think about it i think it was always a front cause i felt so hurt and scared inside.
I have cut myself off from all friends I never feel like i am good enough for them and have never got on with parts of my family but seem to have cut most of them off as i dont get on with my father and my imediate family live with him. He was a drunk in my younger years and i used to get hit alot. I am learning to forgive but it is a very long process.
The thing is my life is so much better, i have a gorgeous little girl who i love with all my heart, i got married to my husband last year and live with his daughter from a previous relationship, we have a nice house and i have a good job which i have recently been promoted in.
So why do i feel so empty, constant thoughts of suiside, feel like everyone is talking about me in a nasty way when ever i see them talking, bowing my head so i dont have to look them in the eye so i dont have to speak, i cry all the time and hate who i am inside and out.
I have decided that my four year old daughter has gone to stay at her dads, so she is not around me when so sad and lost in myself, i feel so full of guilt that i have sent her away i am her mum i should always have her with me i cry most nights for missing her but i keep telling myself it is only temperary, i do have her on weekends which gives me something to look forward too.
I have new tablets which are being swapped from previous ones i have been on for two years, i am one week in the change.
Dont know what am asking really my doctor told me it was good to write my feelings so thought i would try it.
ALL I WANT TO BE IS HAPPY AND NORMAL WHAT EVER THAT MAYBE .
Written by
rackster
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Its sounds like you are going through a terrible time lately and not being with your daughter must be horrendous. Perhaps try and draw some poistives that yiu recognise this is a particular bad patch and working things out to return to normality. I think regular contact with your gp will guide you through this time although it seems my gps are very hard work and not altogether supportive. Hand picking an understanding gp who supports and likes to review you seems like a positive step. I think mental blips like this are very very common and its sometimes like walking on a tightrope, teetering around and someties falling off and feeling in the depths of despair. It can seem like a struggle to get back on but hopefully it will come very soon and you will feel something like normal again. Hope you feel better soon x
Hi rackster, you carry on writing how you feel love.....most of us have been there and I don't think you are different to any one of us. We are just all in different stages of this illness....some have been there , some worse, but a lot are in a BETTER place now. The one's that are better will help to pick you up. There are some amazing people on here, God knows they have dragged me up quite a few times. Give your medication time to work . Nobody knows how you feel unless you tell them. You are safe on here. I hope you start to feel a little better soon : ) be kind to yourself xxxxxxxx
Hi rackster. Yes, you are safe on here. We ALL understand so let all your feelings out. I can assure you you will not upset or disturb anyone. Being separated from your daughter is sad, but thus is only temporary. When you feel better you will be able to cope. Perhaps having time to yourself is helpful. Emptiness, numbness, feelings of disintegration, of suggestibility, of fear, of indecision are ALL symptoms of the Anxiety State. (GAD). You have probably had them all by now. Not everyone gets all of them, but some, like yourself, do. Now write this on your heart, and I really mean it because, like others, I know. YOU WILL RECOVER but it takes TIME. Do not be impatient with TIME. Let it pass until one day you will wake up and not feel so bad. HOPE has entered the picture. ACCEPT how you feel for the moment. Do not STRUGGLE or FIGHT. You seem an intelligent person so you will understand. You mention struggling with yourself. Fighting and struggling make anxiety worse. ACCEPT. This is not easy but it can be done. Your last sentence in capitals is what we all want but it seems that some of us have to go through hell to get there. You may not believe what I am going to say now but you will emerge from this a better person with more empathy and understanding than before. All on this site who have suffered as you are and come through it would testify to this. And what is "normal"? 90% of the population is neurotic in some way. We are lucky. We know it and are doing something about it. They don't because that don't know they are!! Bless you and keep HOPE in your heart. jonathan.
so sorry your feeling so low..30 years ago Iwas feeling the same didn't leave the house for 12 months, didn't even feel like washing or getting dressed.my dr put me on tolvon slowly I started to take an interest in things again.you will come out of this don't give up,take your meds,but give them time to work,we are here for you,so please dont feel alone,and keep posting..god bless you xxx
You should all try a thing called "Binaural Beats", these computer generated sound files are said to massage your brain and produce all sorts of effects, and are excellent for stress/ depression/ anxiety disorders. A binaural beat is created by playing a different tone in each ear through headphones, and the interference pattern between the slightly differing frequencies creates the illusion of a beat. It's completely safe and scientifically proven - google it!!
If you search the Internet for "binaural beats" you'll quickly find there's a whole industry built on the idea that listening to binaural beats can produce all kinds of desired effects in your brain. It can alter your mood, help you follow a diet or stop smoking, get you pumped up for a competition, calm you down, put you to sleep, enhance your memory, act as an aphrodisiac, cure headaches, and even balance your chakras
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