tiring of the battle, my life with anxiety

as a sufferer of anxiety and panic attacks since 1997 I have found it to be a long and hard battle. sometimes I gain ground but the ground I gain is always taken back and then some !

recently I have found myself weary of the battle with just a hint of a wish to fall asleep one night and not wake up. please do not misunderstand me, I am not here for sympathy more here for one final push or charge if you will. there were many factors I believe which started me on the slippy slope of anxiety but only one trigger, in 1997 I was in a bad place in my life of my own doing but coping with no real fear or anxiety. I approached my GP for advise regarding relaxing and getting better sleep, he looked over his glasses, wrote a prescription and told me to take one of these once a day an hour before bed.......I ended up in A&E after the first tablet with a reaction to it, the medication was paroxetine or seroxat as people over the pond may know it as. since then I have been a captive of the same symptoms felt that night, it has reduced my "safe zone" to around 5 miles, somedays less and recently an increasing self doubt, second guessing, increased checking behaviour and dificulty in letting go of certain things.

I have not taken any medication since then as I have now a real fear of any adverse effects or possible altered state of mind. I have tried hypnotherapy which initially helped but as time has gone on it seems now not to, I have also been on 2 lots of CBT via the NHS but they were only an hour for 6 weeks each time and I felt not very supportive or intense.

I need help, I think that's why I'm here.....I'm getting really scared that I am running out of alternatives and that I will reason or conclude that I am better "not waking up". don't get me wrong, I have a healthy sometimes morbid fear of death but it can't be worse than trying to live with this day in day out.

I apologies if I have upset anyone or caused a downer, it was not my intention.

be healthy people.

8 Replies

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  • Believe me I know where your coming from at least your being honest! Yes it is very hard at times, I have a phobia about meds an trying to get help for that is like hitting a brick wall some days are good an some not so good. I pray you find some peace an joy even in the little things! And knowing that people do care for you! God bless. X

  • aahhh sweet i do think sometimes i just had enough and i just want to drop on the floor, maybe someone will take me to hospital and then maybe will find out a solution for me!!

    i do have enough, especially when severe anxiety is around but waht can i do and what can you do as well!!!

    I do pray a lot and will do for you as well, I don't to sound hypocryte but prayers do help if you only believe, and I believe one day i will be better, God now is busy helping someone with more serious problem that us

    big hugs

  • Hiya Diaclone, I too can totally understand where you are coming from I have been in a battle with anxiety (GAD, SA) depression ect since I was 15 which was around 1996 and over the years I to have had periods where i wished not to wake up anymore, its such a draining condition and I think to get to that point of 'had enough' is nothing to be shamed off, its comendable to say it and admit you still need help and seek help, we will always give you a reason to wake up :0) I hope that doesnt sound patronising i dont intend to be.

    Self help, like these groups are proving to be a great source of help because your talking to people 'Who know' as it were and therefore will give you different advice and options to try. So i hope you find this site helpful.

    If you can I would say go back to the doctors and talk about alternative medications I can see why you would be worried about this again but finding the right one can be helpful. Also there are lots of therapies 'talking and otherwise' out there so ask to be reffered for something else as CBT obviously wasnt your thing. IAPT teams for anxiety and depression seem to be on the up i havent used these but maybe its something you can ask about?

    I found it hard to talk to my GP alone but luckly i have a very supportive partner who came with me and pushed for help so if you have someone close maybe ask them to come with you to push you requirements.

    Keep at it Diaclone and were all here for ya wishing you luck :0)

  • I live in fear of allowing myself to believe I'm having a good day for the same thing you mention about gaining ground only to have it whipped from underneath your feet. I've never been so tired in all my life as I have done these past 18 months there are times I just want to lie down and never get up and it's not depression it is just physical and emotional tiredness from having to get through each and every day reassuring myself about my anxiety. I do it though because I'll be damned if this thing is going to beat me, I was a person once who enjoyed being outdoors, walking up and down mountains, travelling anywhere and everywhere, eating nice food, drinking nice wines, I even enjoyed going shopping, I was comfortable being in most social situations and I want that back. There has to be a way out for all of us that doesn't mean not waking up. If you've come from a bad place don't let something as screwed up as anxiety stop you from getting to a good place. Try your GP again, counselling, CBT, dancing around a Maypole, witchcraft, anything that gets you back to what you want to be!

  • Hi

    Your message is a strong message.Clearly u had enough so do I.But I like to think that one day somewhere somehow I will get better.Hope keep me going for the last 12 years.big hug

  • Hi diaclone

    I have had anxiety since about age 7. I and was treated from age of 13 with first valium since when I have been round the shelves and don't think there is anything I haven't been on. Some work for a short time; some not at all; most have side effects and a few (Venlafaxine and most benzos) are hell to come off.

    I am hugely resistant to 'the latest fad' but am about to try mindfulness meditation which is quite faddy at the moment. The reasons why I am willing to give it a go is a) I read up on it a bit after it cropped up a few times and tried one of the practical exercises. This involved simply going about my daily business but trying to give my full concentration to what I was doing at that moment. If I was washing the dishes I tried to concentrate on that (I had to repeat constantly to myself 'I'm washing the dishes', if I was walking over to my Dad's I would repeat 'I'm walking over to my Dad's'. By the end of the day I was definitely less anxious and slept well. b) My friend is sending me a copy of her CD so it's not costing me anything and I don't have to join a class to do it. Back in the 90s I tried a Louise Hay tape for CFS. Whilst I hated what she was saying, I did as suggested and played it 30 nights in a row as I went to sleep. I was usually asleep before it finished and it worked and was the start of going into remission from the CFS. c) Like yourself, I'm desperate and will try anything!

    Just a suggestion. If anybody is interested, once I have the CD, I'm happy to copy it for anybody that wants to check it out (provided my knackered laptop will do it).

    Whippet x

  • yea i understand wot ur saying ive had anxiety since 1997 yea its like ur in black clouds things start too look up after teb years then ive gone back down agen i feel lonely scared a panic attack agen and i fear things a sress and worry ive been staying in bed all day and it aint good i feel i dont wanna do anythink its since i moved here its all come back good and proper and people tell me to chill its hard wen u have anxiety isnt it guys do u know wot im going throw x

  • I understand you so much in your message, I took Seroxat for three years, and my stupid doctor took meoff tnem cold turkey, I do not remember anything for six weeks, and have neer been the same since, I am now agoraphobic, Monophobic cant be alone, and have panic attacks for many years now.I am addicted to valkium, and have had many different pills with horrid side effects, but they insisted, I have Cipralex which is the same type of gtablet 7 hyears, but they do not work, I cant even stay alone in my house, and my husband now has altizheimer so depression is with me now, I so understand what you say in your message, what is there in life to help us, I pray that we will all be alright one day. I can only trael about 3 miles from home in the car with someone. \god bless from Lindenlea.

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