my anxiety is ruining my life

[indiedog1]

im really struggling with anxiety, i feel like i cant leave the house anymore.

i dont work, i dont have friends, i dont see anybody. im even struggling to walk my dogs and it isnt fair on them. i hate this and wish i could just get up and go. my house is right out front a nature reserve which is always full of dog walkers, one of my dogs is a rare breed so people always stop to talk to me but i dont want to. im trying to train my dogs and people ruin it by just approaching and talking, letting their dogs approach and then it ruins all our hardwork. i get frustrated, angry and embarressed. my previous dog got attacked loads of times by people who just let their dogs approach. im worried about taking my two out and them getting attacked. or looking stupid because my dogs are jumping around all excited, theyre only puppies, hence the training, but people see a giant breed and assume shes an adult and dont even give us the chance to explain that shes just an excitable puppy. when i walk my dogs i absolutley love being out in the middle of nowhere where we dont see anyone and its just us, its quiet, calm and stress free. but i cant get there without walking through populated areas first. but thats the most exciting part of the walk for the dogs because weve just stepped out the door, so its the most difficult part for me as i have to control, train and direct my dogs, aswell as deal with my own anxieties.

i hate the way i look and i really dont want to see people. all of my neighbours go to the gym alot and are in really good shape. im the only overweight person and its embarrasing. i feel like a slob, and like theyre judging me whenever i go outside.

all of my family are 2 hours away as they moved housse and i dont drive. i cant see them without my girlfriend driving me there. im totally dependant on her for everything because my anxiety feels crippling. it isnt fair on her and i hate it. i feel guilty all the time and it just makes everything worse. shes even working 2 jobs at the moment to support us. i wish i could just work, and get on with it. the last time i had a job i had a panic attack and vomited during a shift. i had to go home because of it and i had only been there 2 weeks. the manager wasnt happy with me for it but i couldnt help it. i never went back after that.

i have knee problems. i had surgery on them both to fix the problem but now i just get constant chronic pain. my anxiety prevents me going to the doctors to get painkillers, but my knees mean i have limited mobility and cant be on my feet for more than 4/5 hours at a time. if im on my feet for more than 5 hours i have such bad pains i cant walk the next day. but people think im lying about it and think i use it as an excuse to not work.. but i want to work! i really want to work and be independant, support myself, get a car, make some friends, have my own money, take my dogs out and see my family. people think im lazy but i really want to just feel like the adult im meant to be., because i rely on my girlfriend for so much i still feel like a teenager asking my parents for a life here or there.

there s a forest that i love. i feel completly at home there. ive never once felt anxiety when im there, even when i see people or when my dogs act up. i feel comfortable, happy, confident. its perfect. unfortunatly is 1hor 30min drive from home, and i dont drive. my girlfriend is working constantly and doesnt have time to go there. i dont have any friends to go there with and no public transport goes there as its secluded. at the moment its all i can think about, its the only place i want to be. i just feel like im going to cry. all i want is to walk into the forest and never come out. i want to stay in the forest forever with my dogs and be peaceful.

i feel overwhelmed at nothing. i dont do anything in life, or have anything in life to get stressed about but everything feels like too much and i dont know how to deal with it. i rarely leave my bed or my sofa and spend all day researching dog breeds, behaviour, nutrition, training. or i house hunt. or i try to find motivation and inspiration to actually get my life together. no matter how inspired i get and no matter how much i feel like im ready to get up and sort my life out, the overwhelming fear, anxiety, panic, low self esteem and everything takes over and i fall into the same cycle again.

i dont know how to stop worrying, or overthinking things, i want to just get up, go to work, come home, walk my dogs, have a hobby or two, see friends on the weekend, drive my self to the supermarket and do my own shopping. i want the mundane 9-5 that everybody else hates. i want all the simple things in life that everybody else finds boring. but i dont know how. i dont know how to have a productive day.

thanks if you read my rant. sorry its long.

[SurvivingEveryday]

I understand how you are feeling, and empathize with the medical issues you are experiencing. I believe you are going through a moderate depression, and I would urge you to see a doctor to get some medication, or perhaps talk-therapy. It seems daunting to start, but it is so worth it for your health (mental and physical). There are some good self-help books that helped me... If you are interested, the post is on my profile.

Wishing you the best, and praying that you get better. Take it one day at a time and know that you are worth it.

[indiedog1 in reply to SurvivingEveryday]

thanks, i have been on anti depressants prescribed by my doctor in the past, but i have always suffered the side effects and felt worse. i tried therapy, but i either cant afford it or i really dont enjoy it. at the moment im just dealing with it all the best i can, it just feels like there are constant road blocks to every solution i find. i find my self scrolling social media way too much, looking at all the travel blogs to inspire me, and it does, but the second i feel like im going to start doing something about it, i get distracted. im suspected asd or adhd which if i actually am, i believe plays a part too