I don't know anymore

[Armyguy]

I wish anxiety wasn't a thing. I have Gerd really bad, I also have a heart arrhythmia called SVT, both have been acting up as of late. Tonight my heart rate is too slow for me and I feel like Howard Hughes focusing on it. It sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. Just getting burnt out. CBT helps but then I get like this and I'm down and then lately thoughts have been wondering down some very dark paths and I feel like I just wanna sleep and not wake up as long as its not painful. I find bliss in that. I find myself envying the dead because they have gotten beyond the scary unknown. Its frustrating and I am just not sure what else to do.

[heartbreak]

I thought that maybe I was the only person sad enough to envy the dead...but now I see that you do too. It sure is a weird thought to have, don't you think?I have been sad my entire life with brief periods on contentment.

I have PVC's or 'skipped" heart beats and now it is worse than ever, but my depression and regret and dread of the future has never been this bad before. I think the PVC's and my mental state are connected, but no cardiologist will agree with me.

I am experiencing the worst mid-life crisis that I can imagine. I feel that my life has been one big waste of time and the future looks worse. Just when I think this 'crisis" has reached its lowest point, it goes lower.

The PVC's are really bothering me now almost all day long. They are ruining my sleep too.

I think this is all due to my fight or flight response from a life that I don't like and that I am too afraid to change

People who meet me or know me can not believe that I feel this way. They think that I have it made. They would be shocked and dismayed if they knew how often I cry