It’s all starting to get on top of me!

[anxious_hb]

I know this pandemic has been difficult for everyone in so many different ways and that there are people much worse off than I, but I’m only just starting to realise how much it’s getting to me as I’ve been doing the typical British thing of keeping calm and carrying on and it’s really starting to get me down.

I work in a small design consultancy of about 10 people and should be thankful that I was one of the people who wasn’t put on furlough, but when half the team were, the rest of us were left with a lot to do and the pressure of keeping the company going so everyone had something to come back to (all for 80% pay). Never the less I cracked on and got my head down, doing the best I could.

When we slowly started coming out of lockdown my boss wanted us back in the office in some capacity pretty much straight away. I was anxious as I have a long commute in to London, which was being made longer by the fact I was trying to avoid the tube and only use the train (90mins door to door), but I did it as I didn’t want to seem difficult and I am in a managerial position and wanted to support the team.

Fast forward to the announcement from Boris last week about working from home where you can, well my boss still is asking that we come in three days a week. I even did a project site visit in a hospital one day last week. He is super relaxed about the pandemic and can’t understand why I have reservations about coming in, so again I’ve been dragging myself in facing daily commuting anxiety and getting my head down at work whilst trying to remain positive in front of the junior team.

This week I requested I only come in once as I’m visiting my parents at the weekend (who I haven’t seen since Christmas) and my dad is over 70 so I wanted to minimise contact with others. I managed to convince my boss, but he still didn’t seem too happy about it.

Not sure what my question is or what the point of my story is I just felt I needed to share it. Im just so full of anxiety at the moment. I’m crying most days and finding it increasingly hard to concentrate. I’m being made to feel like my concerns aren’t valid and I’m rapidly losing respect for my boss (who I’ve worked with for 7 years now). I just don’t know what to do for the best and I don’t even trust my own thoughts and opinions anymore.

If you got this far, thanks for reading x

[GJRWS]

Yes I did read it all the way through! and just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling this way.

I thought I was coping really well with the pandemic and lockdown, which we haven't really come out of as I live in an area that went into partial lockdown as soon as we came out of the first.

I live alone and get really anxious whenever I go out of the house ( and bored and depressed when in). Cry a lot, have increased my anti depressants, feel physically ill, nausea, unexplained aches and pains, riddled with health anxiety.

I thought everybody else was more or less back to normal until I opened up to some friends on the phone and found they were just the same but putting a brave face on it. I am very jealous of those who can take a relaxed view and then feel resentful and annoyed with myself and them.

Have you tried asking your doctor for help..sometimes it does sometimes not.

Don't know that its much comfort but wanted you to know that more people than you think are feeling just the same!!!