Just feeling so hurt

[hurtingheart1]

I don’t understand things??? Why I hav such unloving angry cold ppl in my family that hav no care or compassion!??😣I just am not coping well now with it

[Hidden]

Hello

There is a saying

You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends

I am sorry your family are letting you down , it hurts so much I know but when we realise we are never going to change them as much as it hurts and start to surround ourselves with positive compassionate people it does get and feel better

I hope knowing people care on here is a start to feeling that way

Take Care x

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you - I agree it’s just hard to get to that healthy place I guess and when you get fooled thinking someone changed it just feels soo confused & have to keep reminding myself to beware! Also I’m having such hard time with finding those compassionate caring friendships!! My trust is soo scarred and also there just don’t seem to be many of these around me to even get closer to😔& even harder still with this crazy virus Thing!!

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Hello

I learnt long ago with lot's of heartache that people will not change but had to learn the only person I can change is myself when it comes to been let down and hurt how I react , will I let them bother me , are they worth it ?

It takes some doing not to let them but with practise we can get better at not letting it affect us so much

I know this is a tough time with the virus and so many of us feel so alone with no where to turn or talk to but you have us , virtual I know but hope it helps a little bit x

[socratesanne in reply to Hidden]

Lulu, I agree you can find family in the friends you meet but what I am having trouble with that now as all mine have passed. The quarantine makes it hard to connect with new folks. People I work with I could easily have as friends but in my profession does not allow for that which makes it more frustrating especially so many of the normal rules are no longer sufficient in this new world we now live in.

The needed nervous system of face to face contact is lost today to enhance the human connection. The masks are even affecting that significantly. We all joke about the smile behind the mask but I find it still does not show totally in the eyes as the face, in its entirety, holds the answer to the ventral vagus nerve of humans. That is the healing nerve and the one that is fully myelinated in the human evolution. the other two it is connected to are just a raw nerve ready to enter fight or flight or worse but often necessary the freeze state where we all are starting to hover. That nerve really impacts our digestion drastically if it is in fear.

The reason I mentioned this is those family members are in a state of fear that is hard to navigate if you now nothing about you nervous system. We are so used to our ruminating brain but it has not answers and only can respond to the input we allow the nervous system to give it information. So far in many of our lives we have too told to ignore our nervous system when it was there even before the brain.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to socratesanne]

I’m soo sorry about your friends passing! And you’re right about the masks making it harder to connect!! But when or where we can we should take them off even if at a safer 6feet distance I guess is the safe amount with the outside public? &smile ,talk and try to laugh !! And I guess still try to connect with others through our. eyes as well When needing the masks!

[socratesanne in reply to hurtingheart1]

I agree and a I noticed a few people that are doing a prayer position but I have done that as it feels so foreign when I am so used to shaking hands especially with young people and now I joke with a elbow touch or pat back depending on the person. Not yet masters my signature green or exit except a lilt to the voice. I find the more comfortable the mask helps with that. We will be wearing masks here where I live as the fires are damaging the quality air in areas that have been so joyous in beauty and fresh air. People do not seem to care about nature and treat it with no respect. Grief here is bad on both or our coasts that has led to the grief of the virus taking lives. I hope to see stronger respect for people, families and the earth. Good luck in your future endeavors as folks on this forum have some great guidance and you heart will heal in the beauty that this world does have to offer. There is so much beauty.

[socratesanne]

Not sure if I am to write on this forum as it seems to be for males, but compassion is not being demonstrated as well as it could be from leaders in the world. It is so imperative to realize that most of our parents were never taught how to parent. The end result I see daily in people, frozen in fear, not knowing how to relate to each other.

This is puzzling and warrants some comments if anyone has an answer. I see time and time again when people are afraid they often go into that fight mode or become aloof in the flight side of that coin.

Safety is an answer. Just trying to establish it nowadays makes it more difficult, making me feel more of a failure in relationships.

It is important not to take the issue on yourself maintain your own compassion for them and for yourself. Injecting time to my reaction seems to help slow down my frustration, then wait for a revelation to take hold in me or them. Usually this gains me time to respond, process and wait until the winds of fate change.

Funny, as I said this, as I am quarantined not due to the pandemic but to the forests fires that are attacking major states in my country and threatening another fear regarding those who are destructive.

This pandemic started with lack of caring for human beings and the countries need to show concern we expect from our parents. When this was lacking it causes me to react with deeper sadness and confusion. It is literally stuck in my body as it reacts.

In other words, our world disaster is fueling all families on some level as it brings up all that lack of compassion missed perhaps in early childhood and throughout life, even present family included. This is actually great though, once realized, you have time to do some repair work on your own nuclear family which can be very gratifying as it gives one a positive path for healing. We need to use these feelings where they can do some good, but it needs creativity as to how, but also helps you decide where to put that energy into positive action.

Sorry for the length as it seems harder and harder for me to be concise. Blame it on too much quarantine, but really I am just too wordy..

[hurtingheart1 in reply to socratesanne]

Haha 😂 Im soo glad you said that about this forum seeming to b for males?? was confused And unsure on that as well?? I didn’t understand what it said on top of forum or heading Of page? Looks kinda like male to me as well but I’m just looking for anxiety help??🤔🥺😳but anyway I appreciate your comments and thoughts - you seem very insightful and very compassionate as well!!🌻🦋💕I really feel that’s soo needed in the world soo much-the kindness & compassion patience and understanding!!

[socratesanne in reply to hurtingheart1]

Hope happiness in your compassion and healing from all this negativity we see daily.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to socratesanne]

Thnk u

[socratesanne]

It might be nice to have both symbols I the beginning to help with that connection as I find when that difference is acknowledged it makes for deeper discussions. I can also see how a male division might be necessary if the male feels he does not want to deal with just another female. I like to learn from both genders and do so in my work so I only did not want to invade any private arena for sharing. I personally it fun with the response thus far as truth is so important to me for my own growth as so often it is avoided, I appreciate the response. Thanks.

[Hidden]

Sometimes people are this way because it's all they know...we learn to be a certain way as we grow up and life experience can often contribute or determine how we turn out as adults, it's difficult to accept those who maybe not nice to us especially when they are family.

Try to accept them as they are but don't let it determine who you are, the main thing is to remember, people can only hurt you if you allow them too, just try and focus on yourself and the person you want to be, don't allow negative people to influence you xx

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

I appreciate this response. But honestly I don’t understand that concept that people can only hurt you if you allow them- I just wish I could experience this?? 😳🤔I wouldn’t allow anyone ever to be unkind or hurt me or in turn not see anyone else to be hurt ever either by others but I just don’t see really, truly how that is possible not to be hurt???🤔🤔I mean we have hearts, feelings and emotions for a reason and they are reality!!!????

[Hidden]

Yes we do have hearts and feelings but what I meant was, it's about how we react to toxic people.

I have a relative who is particularly unkind with her opinions, I used to feel angry and upset by her lack of empathy and unwillingness to consider others feelings, but now I don't let her words affect me, I decided that I wasn't going to allow her to make me feel overly upset, so I just accept that she is who she is and I don't have to take her views on board or even listen to her negativity.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Yes that makes sense thank you for explaining it further!🦋I am also trying to do the same - it’s just extra painful somehow for me for certain reasons I’m not sure I understand all Part I know is wanting a mother’s love, care&approval- but I do know I have to beware and protect myself from letting the hurtful words in it’s just been a long ongoing battle trying to accept this 😔 I just remembered something I heard or read about not having a secure attachment as a baby or young child or abandonment can have a certain affect on ppl with not being able to feel secure or having a struggle with these kind of things?? Sometimes you repeat cycles maybe and keep having relationships where others sort of keep abandoning you and hurting you similarly as parents ?? I don’t know but I want it healed I just don’t know how to get there??🤔😣

[Hidden]

Yes it's not easy to let go of pain that others inflict on us either physically or mentally.

Many years ago a psychologist gave me a large note and told me to stick it somewhere where I'd see it everyday, it just said "you are the most important person in the world"

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Ha -wow- She must have felt you really needed to knw you were important! Some may take that wayyy to far -like not for ego maniacs or narcissistic types but probably you are opposite very humble and compassionate type that needed more self worth!☺️ I know I really don’t want to be most important person -I love & care a lot about others & don’t want to loose the compassion and caring about them like soo many ppl out there seem to do!!

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Think you misunderstand...It's not meant to be taken literally

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Ok can you explain more about it?? My brain has hard time I notice more and more with words and understanding meanings?

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

It's about applying the same care and kindness to yourself as you would for someone else in your situation

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Wish I knew how to do it

[Hidden]

Think it would be a completely different approach treating narcissists haha

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

Whoa-definitely😳 I’m not sure how they treat them or can help?? I hope they do have effective help though!!