Social anxiety........too shy.

[palacinka13]

I am extremely shy and I have a fear of talking in a group and talking to people. It is very hard to be confident and showing my real personality. I tend to be comfortable with people I am familiar with, joking, smiling, talking at normal volume, but when I am with people I don't know, I change into this person who speaks so little, and only after someone asks me a question, in a voice too quiet, without energy and I am not able to hold an eye contact. It is just dreadful when I think of how I behave. It is like I am blocked inside, like being in this invisible prison. My social anxiety got worse after losing my job and moving to a new country. I am against of taking a medicine against anxiety and going to a therapy as I know that the work I have to do is with me being strong and hard-working - like doing exposure, mindfulness meditation, being more comfortable with myself, working on my voice and a communication skills, improving the second language, having a good posture etc. I am curious, are there people with the same problem as me? What worked and what didn't? And what made a difference?

[OakTreeBlossom]

Although not in exactly the same position as you, after my children went to school and I entered the workforce again my anxiety skyrocketed. I was diagnosed with mild depression and had to take time being selfish to really grow my mental health. I was also not sold on medicating myself (although I would never assume this isn't the best decision in some circumstances), so I tried lots of talking and alternative therapies and homeopathic remedies.

I'm in a much better place 1.5 years later and I really believe I worked hard to get here. Now I understand that I need to timetable in clearing my mind (mindfulness) and know my triggers. Personally, I make sure I do colouring in before bed and pilates once or twice a week. I make sure I am eating right and have dramatically cut down on sugar (this was unbelievably helpful to my moods). I also have a hormonal condition so I am treating that correctly and watching my levels. Learning what works for you is a very personal journey but you sound like you know exactly what I mean and don't need guidance here, just try everything and don't beat yourself up if you can't.

I don't think being shy is something you should worry about too much. Yes it might inhibit you but you sound like you have a support network who you are able to to be yourself with? Everything is a process and that means nothing stays the same. So whilst strangers may not get the best of you, who cares? Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing amazing. Yes of course you can't go through life not able to talk to anyone you haven't known for a long time but, maybe, you could just think of this as temporary. Knowing you're doing all you can to grow your own mental health means you're being positive about things and that, combined with the knowledge that NOTHING ever stays the same means you'll get over this hurdle eventually. You might never feel comfortable speaking with people you don't know but you'll be able to do it when you need to, one day.

Good luck. x

[palacinka13 in reply to OakTreeBlossom]

Thank you very much for your kind response. I tend to worry about not being able to be talkative especially after I moved to Italy. Seeing my extroverted boyfriend, his family, friends, people here...it is like seeing on the day basis that something is wrong with me. I know that it is a process, a slow one, and I will get confident and eventually I will unblock. I try to eat less sugar (I am passionate about patisserie) ...perhaps this will help. I would like to ask you, which alternative therapies you used and especially, is there something you would reccomend? Again, thanks for your kind reply.

[OakTreeBlossom in reply to palacinka13]

Hello again, I'm afraid I didn't get on very well with most of the alternative therapies I tried; although I found the 'tapping out' therapy very interesting but I believe that's because of the guy I had and how he would try and read my responses and actually implemement more psychotherapy talk rather than his 'tapping out' theory. He had me cry a lot and that always made me feel better but I don't think it had anything to do with his tapping-out and more to do with his ability to ask the right questions and guess the right emotional triggers. He's not trained as a psychotherapist though so that can be a dangerous game. I can't get on with charletons like that!

The things that have worked for me have been colouring-in - don't knock it til you've tried it! It centres my brain activity and aids mindfulness.

And then pilates, which also has me out of my anxiety for an hour whilst I try to master exercises I will never be able to complete!

And finally, I'm actually not very good at crying and I cottoned on early that when I cry a lot of anxiety that has built up is released. So once a month a schedule a crying day! I know, I know. But I put on a soppy movie, lock the world out and cry for 2hours. The next day I'm in a much more 'coping' mood.

Good luck finding your triggers and things that work and sorry I couldn't suggest anything for you to try yourself.

[SammieXo]

I feel exactly the same it is so frustrating and embarrising makes me feel so alone...Im ok with the people I have known since being at school but with anyone else it almost feels like I have to be a different person and I cant let go like there is a barrier up Ive lost out on so much fun and social things including family parties becuase of my social fears. Im only 28 and feeling so old for my time.

[palacinka13]

I know, it is so sad not being able to live full...I just wish this would go away...and be able to do things that are for others obvious and easy. You know, I don't feel older but younger, but in a negative sense, like I depend on others...like this shy girl who still didn't didn't grow up. Thanks a lot for a reply, I feel often like I am only one with this and I hope that things will get better.