I get so jealous of people who can effortlessly make friends.

[DemureRose]

With or without social anxiety, I am naturally a reserved and quiet person. Always have been. In fact up until a couple years ago, many of classmates had never heard me talk, at least not in conversation.

Despite my lack of social skills, I was always able to keep friends. I couldn’t tell you how I managed it but I did. However in recent years, I have mostly gained friends by association. The people I’ve hung out with have had friends who I just happened to get to know.

Last semester, I went to an on campus college class for the first time, with expectations that I might at least gain some class friends. You know, those people that you are only friends with in a certain class. Unfortunately it just didn’t happen. Sure I talked to people, but nothing resulted from it.

Well this semester, I am taking another college class on campus but this time with a friend. Somehow, literally on the first day she was able to become somewhat friendly with this one girl. I was right there but for some reason this girl bonded with my friend. Why is that some people just have this natural charisma about them? I tried to be nice to people and be approachable last semester but it didn’t happen. Yet my friend is in class for barely 30 minutes and builds an acquaintance. What the heck?

She doesn’t have anxiety! Why does she get the charisma? It feels like that if I was going to be “blessed” with social anxiety, I should at least get to be charismatic, even falsely. Maybe I’m alone in this. But I just can’t help feeling jealous and irritated that I can’t make friends by myself easily.

[Hidden]

I've been able to make friends, but I can't keep them. It's normally my fault, but I try to keep them. It's really hard for me though because I can't talk to anyone about how I feel, and it kills me

[seb74820]

Do you maybe make "faces" when you get socially anxious? I've always wondered myself why I have a hard time like you are until I saw my reflection in public. My anxiety causes me to look SUPER intimidating and unapproachable even though I'm the one who is intimidated. No matter how much I try to soften my expression and smile, I look like I'm about to throw up and pounce on someone haha!

[DemureRose in reply to seb74820]

I have been told that I have a resting indifference face. I always feel like I’ll look crazy if I walk in somewhere with a smile on my face but I do think it’s something I should try. For experimental reasons if anything.

[Kkimm]

Hi

I was very much like you when I was at school but now as a much older adult I do find it alot easier.

First of all I try to just be caring and helpful to others and ask questions and try to really listen and be interested in what they have to say.

Most people really like someone who will listen and be interested in them. Gradually then try to relax and make jokes etc which again always seems to help. If this is too much just stick to the listening and gradually say a few things about yourself as well.

Most people will be just as worried as you about making friends when they are new at school or work.

Also try not to mind about what others think of you. There will always be those who will take to you and those who don't and it it often more to do with them than you.

If you feel that you have not made friends but are still managing to talk to a few people, just relax, that is fine. Make your priority your school work etc rather than friendships and again do not beat yourself up over it. It is a very natural feeling when you are young and will improve as you get older.

Good luck.

Kim

[DemureRose in reply to Kkimm]

Thank you, I really appreciate your response and advice.

I will definitely try to put myself out there more instead of just waiting for the friends to come. I think I can do that without too much trouble.

Thanks again

[HJMac]

Do you become cold when feeling shy? Because I know I do, I can be a bit abrupt and off with people if I'm feeling very shy or socially anxious.

I have always made friends easily, but can get social anxiety and find myself being cold and distant.

I do think the secret is being warm and listening to people. I often divert the conversation back to them as much as possible. I think also try and participate but don't talk over people or dominate. It's just being aware really. People who are very shy can end up being difficult to engage with if they just answer questions and don't chat or ask questions in return.. it can feel like they are only just tolerating you and want to get away!