Hi all,
I'm new to this.
Sadly my anxiety has led to me resigning from my job, whilst I'm off sick. Sad but inevitable I feel. But there's hope of a new role somewhere else already.
I started this job over a year ago and had been off I'll for about 2 months at a time, twice with anxiety and depression. Have had problems before but many years ago.
The job was much more senior than my last role, the people were great but we had so many staff departures. My poor boss had to go off Ill with cancer too. She's back part time but the work was passed to me and the other officer at my level. Other staff leaving and with my previous periods off sick was very hard to reintegrate. My boss being back recovering makes me feel so guilty by leaving and the work the others will get. 
Each time before I've gone off ill I found myself constantly thinking about work, unable to relax, staying in a lot, making excuses not to go to things even if my girlfriend was. And the second time, even tried to hit myself, thankfully I stopped and called my girlfriend. I just felt no hope as this keeps happening and I felt useless, guilty and sad.
I have had talking treatment and medication along the way with various minor success. Have only just had an actual diagnosis of bi-polar 2. Which is small manic (not hyper manic) phases followed by long periods of low mood and depression.
During November 18 to end of January I think I had periods of being too up or manic. Was argumentative with my girlfriend and a bit abrupt and restless. This was followed by a huge drop in mood in February. You all know what then happens, unable to get up, won't eat, stop looking after yourself. But was able to drag myself back to work finally in April. I only lasted little over a month. But my Lord did I try, I tried so hard at that job but it wasn't meant to be. I then went off ill again week before last and after a previous chat with my boss decided to resign. I may not have to go back in to serve my notice period as am signed off ill again. But I feel so guilty as everyone is so pleasant and supportive at work. I've left them with so much to do even if I can't help it.
I'm at home on my own at the moment as my girlfriend is away working but back tomorrow. Have coped quite well in all honesty. I hated having to go off ill whilst she wasn't here (or at all) and worry her. But after a few tough days of really struggling, staying in bed etc. I do now get up and try to do things. Like apply for this new job where we're moving too, clean the flat, sometimes go jogging, shops, read, call people. But its very hard. I know exercise is great for mental health but it's so hard to go often.
My problem is heavily linked to work. I'm sure I could have sustained that role had I been able to cope with my mental health. But I got to the point where I felt so nervous at work I could barely look away from my desk. I'm hoping this change will help me and I'm more stable on the mood stabilising medication. But I'm still very low and panic about things before they've happened. I'm even nervous about seeing my friends at the weekend. I just over analyse everything to a point where you're frozen.
These are all things you've all heard before. But I'm hopefully getting more talking therapy help and will go on with these meds.
There's still hope but why can't I see it better and look forward? Sorry for the long post but writing it all down has helped. X
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