Well, to put it simply, I work as a RN. I don't actually ever remember liking this career a single day. In fact, I actually hate it. I have been nursing for 25 years, and although it paid my bills, it destroyed my health, family life, marriage and has caused me significant unhappiness and anxiety. In fact, I don't even think i had wanted to do this kind of work, but my parents pressured me into it at a young age.
I am sure i have developed some form of compassion anxiety, and it may be true, as they like using that diagnosis for anyone in the "caring field". The pressures of the job has been very hard on me, and seems harder as i get older. My body can't even handle all the stress or physical strain. I get the worst panic attacks days before and the day i have to work, I literally spend every waking moment convincing myself that I should not call in sick. The thing is, I have called in sick a lot lately. I took sick leave a couple of years ago, and quit. I could not find any different work, so then eventually found a a different nursing job again.
This problem, is getting worst! I take out my frustrations on myself and everyone around me. I don't even know what it is like to be truly happy. I always have this feeling of doom and sadness knowing I work in this field. So is it compassion anxiety? Or a phobia? Cause it feels more like a phobia of going to work and dealing with the same stress and not knowing what to expect. I pray that I don't have to deal with anything major or life threatening. Cause I know how i could not cope. And when things get serious at work, I just feel the urge to go home and cry. I want to retrain, but I don't know what I would do. But I do know that the time has come for me to be truly honest with myself. Despite the pressures of others telling me to "stick it out", or "you have a great career". Even the mere mention when someone asks me "how's work?" puts me in such a mood, I just want to scream, "Who Cares!" I panic and my heart races, and I feel sad, and depressed and confused and even can't concentrate on anything. All I think about is how much i hate my job. I have lived this way for the past 25 years of my life. So, I read a lot about the subject, and listening to someone tell me to change my breathing, use relaxation techniques, Or change how I perceive it, or don't fight or run away from the anxiety. That doesn't work! Nor have meds. Nothing seems to work. I am so depressed about looking like a failure, and disappointing anyone. Or losing a significant pay. But at the same time, my health is suffering, Cortisol levels are peaking, I'm gaining weight, I have high cholesterol, and I am bordering on diabetes. I look and feel terrible. Tomorrow I will ask my doctor to go back on sick leave. I must for once do something for myself that I want to do, and not something because I have too that is making me unhappy. I can only imagine the feeling of never having to return to nursing. Just the mere thought of that excites me. The entire health field turns me right off and puts me in a state of anxiety and depression. Whatever is causing me to feel this way, it is not something I wish upon anyone. As it has had such a huge impact on my health and happiness.