Relapse for NO DAMN REASON.

[Richy626]

Hello all,

Thank you all for your continued support throughout so far as I've been going through my bad patch.

So through acceptance and choosing not to go down bad tracks of thought I was starting to feel better, had a miracle in itself that I went out on new years eve and was fine! Great stuff!

Towards the end of new years day I started to go back down into the same old ways of thinking and started to feel a bit bad again but I laughed it off before bed.

Unfortunately that night out of nowhere the mother of all nightmares hit me, in the nightmare I fell into this black pit of absolute despair and the feelings overwhelmed me so much I was trapped there, I woke up feeling bad needless to say, but I managed to get back to sleep again all be it that it was a choppy sleep.

I then woke up with a very bad flu thing as well still went to work, but mentally I found myself going totally backwards again and began to fear fear again all to quickly, I found myself very frustrated with myself for going back to this habit, even though I was physically sick I felt shouldn't lay down and die to it and that was no excuse.

The next day I was off and I made an effort to be more outward with my nephew etc but I could tell I was still concentrating on myself to much inside that day and scaring myself/over thinking.

The next day on way to work I was totally back in the cycle of fear of fear, and all the hard work I put in last month felt a million miles away, i started to sulk and wouldn't let myself get better anymore as the days went on.

Last night my insomnia returned as I continued to stress myself out all night, I've had this flu thing the entire way through but I just feel I can't use that as an excuse!

By 4:30am I called in sick to work, but when I woke I found a message from my colleague saying he would be alone as nobody would cover, so believe it or not i went in.

I'm back now all be it feel very disorientated etc, I'm upset with myself for a number of reasons, the fact I'm afraid of being afraid even though I've shown I can cope with it, the fact that I've believed the lies and fallen so bad so quickly, the fact I won't let myself feel better, and ultimately the fact I'm doing all this for NO REASON! Cause I KNOW BETTER THEN THIS NOW!! Every time I sit and scream at myself there's nothing to be afraid of I still get afraid of being afraid, I know it can't hurt me, it can't kill me, it can't make me to mad, it can't do anything to me, and yet it's like there's some part of me that just keeps holding damn well onto it!!!

Hope some of u guys can encourage me tonight.

I know I still went into work blah blah but it shouldn't be war and peace for me to have to do that!! It never should have come to the point it did last night in the first place!

Cheers

[Niiiknb]

I’m sorry I can’t help you I’m goimg through the exate same thing as you almost, it’s so hard but your not alone ❤️

[Krn210]

Stop telling yourself how you should feel and how you threw all your progress out the window. How you feel is how you feel. Accept it and wait for it to pass. These set backs happen to all of us. Your progress is still there. You’re still on the right track. This is just a bump in the road.

[jessiejakes in reply to Krn210]

Well said totally agree we all have set backs and we have to remind ourselfs to accept the feelings .it will pass

[Richy626 in reply to Krn210]

Thank you but this set back was to me so pointless, that's why it's hard for me to let go of, I literally have made myself feel awful again for no reason.

[Hidden]

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. But I agree with the above comment...you’ve already progressed in your control of your anxiety. And we all relapse...always...there’s no magical way of just waking up and feeling different.

What you should definitely stop is to get angry at yourself for relapsing. This makes your whole “feeling bad” state even worse. You should praise yourself for having a good time on NYE and so on. You are doing very well...you just need more time to get even better.

Another thing....I don’t believe that we relapse for NO REASON. I also don’t believe we are having panic attacks for no reason either. It is rather...there’s a reason it’s just not obvious to you at that moment of time. Let me give you an example. I used to have panic attacks on a daily basis. Then for 3 years no panics just anxiety. This morning when I left the flat to go to work, I decided not to wait for a “green man” and instead I run before the cars started moving. I then developed a panic attack for no reason. Literally no reason. Now, I understand that at that moment, while I was running across the road, I had a thought (for a split second) that the drivers in a car probably think I am an idiot. And knowing my own fear of looking inadequate and being very harsh with myself..I found a reason for a panic attack. But instead of getting angry at myself and going home...I sat on the train station hyperventilating but not turning back as I wanted to continue with my day.

So please be kind to yourself and let it pass. You are in the right track...you just need more time xxx

[SirGrits]

Hey Richy626 I can only agree with the other posters.

My battle with insomnia started about 6 years ago and has been in relative control for the last 4-5 and still I relapse. Did it last night in fact. Relapse just happens. While there is likely a root cause, you don't have to solve every relapse. For me, I just accept that that's "a thing" for me now. And once I stopped trying to solve them, they dramatically reduced in frequency. I also started to learn the value of forgiving myself.

Letting go is hard, I think we just have to piece it (letting go) together over time--like it's a skill we have to learn or something. Maybe letting go is a habit? I know I'm still learning it.

[art62grammie]

When you are sick with flu or a cold. You feel weak and can not fight. The mental fight is challenged when we are sick or exhausted. I think like this. If a soldier went to war. He gets exhausted from fighting. He has to fight harder to stand strong and firm. He is no different than us. We fight mental issues. We are human. We are weak when sick with a physical illness. We have to fight much harder to stay on top of our mental health. I know with my recent recovery of 40 years of Anorexia. I have to fight harder when I don't feel well.