I dread night time.
During the day, I’m able to use all my coping mechanisms and face anxiety head on, show it whose boss. But for some reason when it gets dark out, my nerves completely act up. I get terrible irrational thoughts, I get panic attacks, and sleep just sometimes becomes out of the question for me. Some nights I stay up till 6am until I’m so exhausted that I just fall asleep, and some days I stay up 3 days in a row. I’ve taken trazodone, hydroxyzine, melatonin, vitamins, and gabapentin. No matter how tired I get, my body fights it.
When I get really sleep deprived I start to hallucinate, which I’m pretty sure is just depersonalization making everything much worse. I’m completely panicky when I’m sleep deprived, it’s when I have my worst irrational thoughts and the worst physical sensations.
I’m not really sure how to break this hideous cycle. I dread laying in my bed trying to sleep and feeling the anxiety that I do before I sleep. I get nightmares sometimes because anxiety never sleeps, and they’re very vivid and scary. I once didn’t sleep for a few days in a row because I was convinced I had a sleep paralysis happen, but it was just anxiety caused, it didn’t happen. Some times I also think I’ll die in my sleep, which I know during the day is irrational but I can’t convince myself otherwise at night. I’m also very afraid of sleepwalking/sleep talking for some odd reason which I know is normal, and that thought will keep me up some nights. I get very afraid that an evil entity will mess me with me when I sleep, which keeps me up for hours nearly paralyzed in fear.
But most of all, I feel the physical sensations and pains from anxiety at night. I cannot lay still when I feel the pains because it feels like if i don’t move the pain gets worse. Not having my mind distracted by anything and trying to sleep, leaving my mind to wander is my biggest worry. I need to break this cycle.
The only things that help me sleep at night are xanax and klonopin, but i know they’re very addicting so I’m just lost. During the daytime i se recovery, but at night it’s the same anxieties all over again.