Hi everyone, my anxiety is through the roof, my eldest sister is visiting this weekend and I’m terrified.
She constantly asks why I’m not working, She knows of my depression and anxiety, but she still asks and threatens me that she’s going to take me or my mum to live with her in Yorkshire, if I don’t sort myself out.
I am trying to get better, i recently started taking driving lessons again, going for walks and I’ve also quit alcohol.
She asks these questions in front of my nephews, which makes me feel so worthless and pathetic, I’m 37 and she always says when am I going to sort out my life, she loves to remind me that I’ve failed and left things too late!
I don’t want any arguments but I can’t shake this feeling of fear, she scares me so much. What do I do?
Sometimes I really do feel worthless and pathetic, why am I at 37, scared of my sister? What has my life come to?
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harv_singh
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harv_singh, this happens in families with siblings who have never been touched by anxiety. It's impossible for them to understand where we are coming from and so the belittling starts from a very young age. None of our accomplishments are ever recognized, only our failures. It's pretty hard to be confident if you are always worried about failing and not succeeding.
I went through that with my own sister (3 yrs younger than I ) Out of the 2 of us, I was the one who always got a lot of attention from family and friends. I was trained to be a perfect child that my mother could be proud of. And yet all my successes in life went unnoticed. There was a time that I started to believe I couldn't do anything right UNTIL one day I realized that it was not coming from myself, it was the repeated negative sayings being pounded in my head that made me shy, introverted and filled with anxiety.
No matter what age you are, you can turn things around by not allowing family to control your life. It may not work for this weekend because you need time to re-establish who you really are. And that who you are is just fine. Continue the driving, the walking and congratulate yourself on quitting alcohol. That is your own personal success. Your life does not have to be approved by your sister. After this weekend, continue working on yourself, your self esteem and confidence. Have people respect you. The forum will help you in conquering your anxiety and depression although I seem to understand where it's coming from.
Do the best you can this weekend. You don't deserve to be talked down to and your sister does not deserve any explanations. That's our problem, we feel we need to explain why we are the way we are and it just leads to feeling worse about ourselves.
It took me half my life, but I got my self esteem and confidence for the first time when I no longer listened to the negative and concentrated on all the positive things about myself and what I can and will achieve in my lifetime. You can do the same. We will be standing by for you this weekend, just message us and we will be there to support you. xx
Thank you agora, your message has lessened my anxiety a lot, I know that as the weekend nears my anxiety will build, but as you said I /we should not have to explain ourselves to anyone.
My sister will never realise that all the negativity she has thrown at me has gone a long way to causing my mental health issues.
Thank you again, for helping me feel stronger, less fearful and part of a group who is here for me, and I am here for all of you.
Blimey harv_singh, I'm scared of your sister and I don't even know her. Families are important but only when they are supportive. Your sister is not treating you with love, understanding or respect. Her attitude has actually helped to give you anxiety disorder. Her behaviour is not acceptable.
You say you don't like arguments but to make progress and free yourself from her abuse you must now learn to like arguments.
You should tell her that you don't enjoy her visits as she is so critical of you.
Tell her she is a toxic influence in your life. Do use the word Toxic.
Tell her that if she is going to continue to undermine you in front of others then as far as you are concerned she is not welcome in your house.
Tell her if she continues you want her out if your life: you have a mental health problem which she has completely failed to understand or respond to.
That should be enough for the first response. But don't get entangled in argumentative responses, just repeat the same things over and over again irrespective of what she says and say it without raising your vouce.
You are just as important as your sister. You are not obliged by any code to put up with her abuse. If she doesn't eventually respond in a positive way you must cut her out of your life - otherwise she will just go on causing you stress and people with anxiety don't need more stress.
Your sister is obviously very worried about you but this isn't the right approach at all You are 37 not a child she can't take you anywhere to live that you dont want to
Don't let her bully you anxiety and depression is not weakness it's an illness like any other Those who have never suffered don't have a clue
I know it's hard but please try and stand up to her you don't need this pressure being told you have failed is so cruel Out of the two of you you are the better person
Try and stay calm and say things like I don't wish to discuss this in front of the children or I've had a good week very positive how about yours in an assertive manner She is expecting you to be weak and a pushover
Stay strong it's fantastic that you have come so far with giving up alcohol and taking driving lessons Good luck 🌷
Nasty cow, threating to take you to Yorkshire !!! Now that's bad.
You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, you are captain of your own ship, if your sister has a problem in accepting this then so be it, you do things your way, your in charge of yourself, you know yourself better than anyone, sounds to me like your making huge progress, stopping the alcohol and taking driving lessons are both huge steps forward for you, perhaps your sister should focus more on herself instead of being so critical about you, sounds like shes got a few issues of her own that she needs to deal with (bullying being the main one) Your in charge of you so just carry on with your recovery and don't be afraid xxxxx
Hello harv, all of these are really good answers and recommendations of support. I can relate to what you are going through, there was a lot of sibling rivalry in my family growing up and has carried over into our relationships as adults. I'm the one who had anxiety disorder and was "different" than my two brothers, it took me time and therapy to heal from it. I now know it's not about me, or anything wrong with me, it's about them and their issues and the dysfunctional way we were raised. Standing up to her may seem very scary, and it's ok to let your self feel that, but don't let it stop you for standing up for yourself, you'll be so grateful you did.
One of my favorite therapists had a saying I always think of, "it's never too late to have a happy childhood", we just have to start taking the steps to make it happen for ourself.
Hi Harv, nuce to meet you. I dont know you, im new but you dont sound pathetic to me. I dont know your suster either but off the top of my head, sister sounds like a big old emotional bully and she needs to be put in her place. Probably would surprise the wind iut if her, you know, jusy like a school yard bully. I have a hard timw toi,standing up to emotional bullys but when i CAN, it worjs every time. I kniw yiu don't want arguments, but i think your sister knows it too.
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