Arguments Impacting Mood

[cinnamonapple89]

Does anyone else ever feel really impacted by arguments or altercations? Like whenever I get into one it seems like my spirit shuts down. I think it’s the anxiety from me wanting everyone to like me? Or the social anxiety from being embarrassed when other people hear? Idk if this makes any sense at all, but it does to me right now. I never know how to get out of the funk or to stop thinking about it.

[HearYou]

Hummm. Think respectful argument is an art form that needs to be learned over time.

And some people never want to even try. I don't like altercations or arguments and usually feel awful when I think I've been involved in one. But sometimes a decent, respectful argument is ok.

On the back of my doctor's card are some of the following instructions: Don't bring up the past. Keep your tone at a reasonable volume. Remember the purpose is to resolve a disagreement, not to win at all cost. And sometimes just wise to stop and walk away.

Hope some of that made sense to you.

[foxglove in reply to HearYou]

Good advice!....thanks

[HearYou in reply to foxglove]

Hope it is of some use to you/

[cinnamonapple89 in reply to HearYou]

Great advice, thank you!

[HearYou in reply to cinnamonapple89]

Hope it helps. Some people are impossible to have a nonaggressive argument.

[Findingme]

I have similar feelings, and I can spend hours mulling an incident over in my mind, with panicky feelings regardless of whether I win, lose or gain the middle ground in any dispute. This leads to avoidance behaviour where I find ways to not join in discussions which involve any power plays. This is exhausting in itself. This has gotten worse as I age, maybe due to lost confidence in my ability to go it alone.

My parent very much discouraged me from standing up for myself. Mum's advice about bullies that the bible says to turn the other cheek. If I did stand up to people I was told off for making a scene (same embarrasment as you describe). Maybe I was over-reacting when i did speak out because I had bottled up all those feelings for so long.

I would love to get help in learning more assertive behaviour, but I fear challenging the status quo.

[HearYou in reply to Findingme]

Think it over a bit. Forget past learning, except for what didn't work. ....and don't do that again. Assertive is not the same as aggressive. S[eak up when necessary and apply some of the "advice" of my doctor above. I frankly just keep my mouth shut quite often and choose carefully which situations could be improved with my participation. That is rarer than one may think. If my comments don't add to the situation or necessary, why bother.

I try to listen to what the other person is saying and do some "reflective listening" where I tell the other person what I thought they had just said. That let's the other know you were actually listening and whether I was understanding correctly.

Now, this may not work in a down and out bar fight where liquor is involved but I find it does help with sober noncombative people like my husband or family. And it never hurts anyone to admit and apologize later, that no matter what one is going through, that does not excuse aggressive or angry outbursts and foul language... unless they are trying to steal your dog.

The last sentence was to see if anyone was actually reading this.

[Ml601]

I feel the same way and it sucks so much. I seem to kind of obsess about it afterwards like it makes me angry nd upset because i feel like ppl try to be little me and i just keep thinking about it also i get embarrassed also.