Anxiety Support
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Social Anxiety

Hey guys,

I just joined this. I wanted to post an initial post to sort of introduce myself. I haven't always had social anxiety the way I do now, but I spent over 3 years in a verbally abusive and controlling relationship with a narcissist. He had a cocaine addiction and lashed out at me every day, over almost every insignificant and minor thing I did, everything I said, how I did things, when I went to bed, when I woke up, what I wanted to eat, how many hours I worked, etc etc. Nothing I ever did was right in his eyes, and this went on for years. He isolated me from everyone, I even got yelled at for talking to my mom on the phone once a month. I finally gained the strength and confidence to leave him when he smashed a bottle of wine outside my door and tried breaking into my window.

We broke up almost 4 years ago, but I have this major fight-or-flight anxiety whenever I'm around people now. I feel like I'm going to be verbally berated or attacked at any moment. Even though no one is currently in my life who treats me so horribly, I have this irrational fear that I'm going to get abused for the tiniest mistakes. I know I'm a good person and I'm doing nothing wrong, but I feel like now I just have a fear of people in general. I still go to work, I still text friends, but I don't ever hang out with people. The anxiety at the thought of being verbally abused or treated that way again makes me sweat profusely, I have to go to the bathroom at least a dozen times per shift just to take deep breaths, think calming thoughts, and wipe the frickin sweat off my armpits. It's so stupid. I know no one can hurt me unless I allow it, but the problem is that I already allowed it with ex for so long that now it feels like I'm this helpless victim and I'm afraid of being hurt again. Not just by guys, by everybody. I fear my boss, my coworkers, my mom, my sister, everyone. I don't know how to get over this.

I just want to be normal and comfortable around others. The only time I'm truly able to relax is when I'm alone in my room. I miss being able to be myself around others, to feel comfortable having conversations, etc. I'm better when I'm drinking but it's still there. So idk. Thank you for listening <3

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Hi Saragrace160,

Welcome to your forum.

Wikipedia has a great article about the psychological trauma experiences by victims of abuse and some options for treatment.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is the tool I used to overcome workplace bullying. Even though I have left the situation, it doesn't take much to fire up the nervous system. I am considerably better and maybe I will never get over it. I am stlll hopeful :)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psych...

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Thank you! I will definitely look over that article. Did you go to therapy? The thought of opening up to someone who I don't know in an office is sort of intimidating...

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I went to therapy in person, although some psychologists offer telepsychology.

Talking with a psychologist is an important decision for you. Making that first appointment is taking a giant step forward to improved wellness.

Remember the psychologist is there for you, not the other way round. They will be pleased and happy that you contacted them - this is what they have chosen to do as their profession - help and support people.

Dr. Jeff Guardalabene, Psy.D. - a practicing clinical psychologist and writer from Portland, Oregon has put together a list of 7 things to do during your first therapy appointment. I usually put a link to the article in my reply but thought this is so important I have reprinted the whole blog with the link below :)

" I have a friend who is ...... understandably a little nervous about the whole thing - one of the things I always try and remember is that even though therapy is a comfortable situation for me, a first visit is often anything BUT for my clients. She asked for some ideas about what to do, and what to expect, on a first visit. Being the accommodating type, here they are!

1. Spend a little time preparing. Sit down with some paper and a pen (whoa! Old-fashioned! Keyboard, tablet or phone works just fine, as well) and do a 5-minute free-write about what is on your mind, and about what your therapy goals are. Or, make a thought map by writing random words with your non-dominant hand. Free-associate. Make a spreadsheet. Bake a cake and pipe your goals onto the icing. The point is, rather than just walking into the therapy room and going "oh, uh, what now?" just invest some time in thinking about what you want out of this therapy thing. It is ABOUT YOU. Let's repeat this - therapy is ABOUT YOU. One of the things that makes people nervous about therapy is wondering how to do it right, or how to please the therapist. This will result in less progress and more frustration. Quiz time: Therapy is about ___. Right!

2. Realize that your therapist has some basics that need to be covered. We all do it a little differently, but we all have some things we have to take care of. You'll go through a process that we call "informed consent." This is an ethical obligation of ours. You'll be told about your rights of confidentiality, and about times that your therapist might need to break confidentiality (short version - life-threatening emergency, imminent suicidal risk, some court-related things that most likely won't happen to you). Your therapist will hopefully explain his or her policies about attendance, cancellation, etc. At some point, they'll do a risk assessment, in case one of the reasons you're in therapy is due to suicidal thoughts or intentions. At this point, if you have questions, ask them. It's always so refreshing when someone asks questions after the informed consent process!

3. Get a feel for the relationship. This one is a little tougher to explain in words. As I've said a few times around here, and will say a lot more, the relationship is critical to getting good therapy work done. If you are uncomfortable, don't feel safe, or just don't feel that connection, you're really going to have to force the work, and that's not what you're paying for. Sometimes it is immediately apparent that your therapist is not the one for you - in that case it's absolutely fine to simply say "I don't think I'm going to return" at the end of the session. "We just don't click" is not a bad thing for us to hear. I'd so much rather hear that than struggle through a few sessions with a client who is obviously not feeling the connection. If you're into humor, tell a joke or see if your therapist tries to. Some people want a concerned mortician to talk to. None of my clients are those people. It might not be a night at the comedy club, or a conversation with your best friend, but you'll know if it feels right. If it doesn't, then one and done is fine.

4. Go ahead and trot out that "one thing." Yeah, easy for me to say! I have this theory that everyone has at least one thing that they're sure nobody can accept, or they've been conditioned to think that it's bad or wrong. At least one. I've gone months with people before they've told me that they spend the majority of their time off going to swing clubs and being bound and gagged, or that they're Republicans, or, you know, whatever. And after they tell me, things shift. They've gotten That One Thing out on the table, I've accepted it, and we've moved on. You don't have to spend the entire session talking about the fact that you've lost your last three jobs due to your obsession with Papa Smurf, but maybe just drop a hint. Your therapist will be okay. If your therapist is not okay, and gasps disapprovingly, GET OUT NOW. Really, don't even wait until the end of the session. Therapy is where That One Thing is something that can be talked about. That One Thing is a part of you. A good therapist values all of your parts.

5. Set some goals, but realize that things change. Sometimes one of my clients will express amazement at my lack of whiteboard, or the fact that I haven't made a goal list and set deadlines. Here's the thing: So many times, a client will tell me what they want to work on, or what their goals are, and when I go back at the end of our work together, those goals have been left far behind, abandoned for whatever has become more important to them. Figuring out how to survive your crazy boss suddenly becomes a non-issue when your boss gets hit by a meteorite (okay, no personal experience with that one). Lives change. Minds change. Superficial goals are replaced by the ones that you find when you start to find yourself. This is one of the most beautiful things about therapy work. Come in with your list, but be prepared to burn it ceremonially, or maybe just chuck it in the shredder.

6. Make sure your therapist checks in. A good therapist will check at the end of the session, and throughout your work together, to make sure you are feeling comfortable (or at least aware of why you are uncomfortable) and safe in session. They will assess in an ongoing basis how you are doing on your goals, whether you are making progress, and how you feel about the therapeutic relationship. If you finish your first session, and your therapist doesn't at least ask if the match seems okay, then listen for it at the beginning of your next session. If they skip past this, then ask them why. Some therapists, believe it or not, have a tough time with some of the necessary work of building the therapy relationship. Make sure that your therapist isn't one of those.

7. End with some adjustments. Screw up your courage and make a suggestion or two. "I'd be more comfortable if we could spend more time chatting at the beginning." "I noticed you checking your watch and wonder if that's necessary." "I realized that I don't really want to talk about my mom yet." Whatever you've got. Hopefully your therapist will do number six above, and give you some time to just relax and reflect on that first session.

If the two of you can do that together, you're on your way to good work.

There are plenty more suggestions all over the internet, if you'd like to do some more reading. That counts as preparation! The bottom line is this - you should feel respected, listened to, and be in an environment that feels safe and non-judgmental. You are by far the best judge of what works for you. Stay open, breathe a little, and take that first step on your journey.

drjeffblog.blogspot.com.au/...

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Hi there sara grace im sorry that this jerk got into your head so much that hes still causing you problems ! You sound like a strong women who with the rigjt help can get better from this just tell your self your way better in your self and can and will fo better ! Regards being around others try exposing your self to a busy environment ie a shopping mall and build up the time in increments of a half a hout at a time and in time you will not notice it bothers you ! Try talking to those around you that you can trust to talk at length about your problems support will help you a lot ! I truely hope things get better for you soon david !

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Thank you so much david

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I wish you all the best take care david

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